Today has been a good day.
I don't know what it is but I feel good. About life and myself. I'm just happy with life right now. I'm sure that many of you are thinking, WHAT?! Lol.
Of course, If I could change the fact that I'm sitting in a hospital rotting while doing chemotherapy, I would. But I can't. And I think that by accepting that I have this disease makes it a lot easier. Through my entire 33 days living with cancer, I have always accepted it. From day 1. I kept a positive attitude and like any human, I had my up and down days & days that I started to cry no matter where I was. But, a huge change happened around day 14 after I was diagnosed. I started losing my hair.
I'm sure most girls/women go through what I was/am going through. Losing all your hair on your head is depressing. Just seeing it fall out in strands or clumps gives me the idea of dying hair and it is a visual representation of what is going on in my body. Like I said, It's a physical change that is just hard to accept...and it came and went whether I was ready for it or not. And I definitely wasn't.
So yesterday when my friend and his dad came over to visit me (close friends for about 6 years now) they had just bought a new camera. At first, I was wearing my scarf and they wanted to take pictures. I was so tired yesterday at one point that I didn't want to move and I guess I looked over at the camera at just the right time but I looked angry (lol) and the picture was GORGEOUS. He did a few black and white swaps and what not and then it was on. My friends dad was wanting to win an "amateur" photo contest that was going on at his work. So he decided to use one of my pictures. He wanted to capture a few different shots (he explained but I forgot what he said) and emotions. At first, the pictures and my facial expressions were showing the emotion of angry, upset, emotional, attitude, or a prisoner. Then after about 10 or 15 head shots later, different more soft expressions came out. We laughed and made goofy faces as well and after a few compliments/jokes on how proportioned my head is and the fact that I didn't have scars came up or weird indentions....I started to feel a bit more confident.
At one point I thought to myself, these are the types of people who I need to constantly surround myself with. Through all of this that I am going through, I can see thru the fakeness and ignorance of people just by reading/seeing their reaction towards me. But i won't get back on that train again.....So anyways, the very LAST picture I took was the one that I said was my favorite. It shows so many things and makes you wonder (if you didn't know me) what you would do if you were her? Why is she happy?....I could go on and on about it but I'll let you determine what the photos mean. Every time I look back at my blog and look at those pictures, I see something more than the last time. They are just awesome.
So back to what I was originally saying, after the pictures were taken my friend said to me, "So which one are you going to put on your facebook?"
I thought he was crazy because I was like.....PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE ME! His response was, "So? And? You already share you blog and post about chemo/cancer updates, it's not like they don't know what's going on."
He was in fact telling the truth. I've been so open about my journey that, what was I trying to hide? People know I lost my hair, people know I'm in the hospital, and people have already seen me in person or on my 5k pictures that I don't have my hair anymore. So I started off by posting some pictures on my blog and I debated whether or not I should hit the "publish post" for a really long time. I don't know what I was hiding. Maybe I wanted people who haven't seen me (family who live far away, friends I haven't seen in forever, random creepy people reading my blogs who I have never talked to.....LOL) to remember me as the same person they remember. But then I was thought, but I'm NOT the same person....like, at all.
So I did it. I posted it on my blog. Then a few hours later, I decided to chose the best one (well, my favorite) and put it on my facebook. I was more scared about my facebook post because some of my students are friends and I didn't know how they would react. They remember their teacher of 9 months one way....and now she has no hair?? It's hard for them to completely understand exactly why I'm in the hospital and why this is happening to me.
But I posted it on my facebook wall at like 3 in the morning (because I couldn't sleep) and so far, I got a lot of good responses and it just made my day. I keep looking back at those pictures and I'm in love with them. :) MAN, Who would've known that I think of all these things over an entire 24 hour period. LOL. So much stress over my hair....take a minute and think how you would take it???......oh the things that make you say hmmmmmmmmmmm.....
So in other news....my white blood count went down to a 0.4!! noooo....it was at a 0.7 yesterday. So I'm back on the steroids and once again...i'm hungry and eating everything in sight!! I'm craving sour cream & onion potato chips....I'm about to ask my mom to go on a quick trip to the vending machines!!!!
**side note**
I don't understand but i absolutely LOOOOVVEEE vending machines in hospitals. It's the weirdest thing ever because they're always wayyy over priced for the quantity they give you or they always get stuck when you really want it. But vending machines are like the best thing since sliced bread. It's like...you put your money in & you stand there and twiddle your thumbs arguing with yourself what you want because there are so many options. Almost everything is under one dollar....and it's like the slot machines but you WIN like almost every time!! I'm so weird for this but I just get really excited about them when I see them....
**end side note**
My blood pressure went way down from the first night i was here and I'm starting to get adjusted to this place. I will always miss my Mercy Hospital but this place has the better treatment for me so I belong here...and I totally just ran kinda by here during my 5k so I'm meant to be here. My hemoglobin is at a 9.8. So it's also down from the 11.7 I had on..... Monday? My platelets were okay. Speaking of platelets, I found a cbc result before I got admitted into Mercy. I had a platelet count of an 8.....yes that's right....no i didn't forget a 0....my platelet count was an 8 out of 250. If you can recall (if you were around me during my "sick" days) I had bruises all over my body that I had no idea where it came from.
that's just terrible. 8,000 out of 250,0000. wow. once again. I'm thankful I listened to people and went to the doctor.
Alright well, I'm still on my first dose of Chemotherapy (Methotrexate). I have about 6 or 7 hours left of it. Tomorrow morning I'm scheduled for another spinal tap where they inject me with chemo and it circulates up and round my spinal cord and into my brain area. I gotta be laying down afterwards and after I shared with my doctor just how terrible the initial pain was (read my blog) she said we can definitely get some pain meds in me before I go down to take the sting away.
So I need to get some sleep soon because last night I only got 3 hours and the night before I got 4. My body needs sleep. :(
Alright well other than that, I'm locked in my room so I can't go out and make friends with my grumpy neighbors or interact with people or eavesdrop on the latest 7th floor gossip. So sorry people, these may not be as exciting.
OOOOOHHHHH.....i forgot, I met the doctor who my old doctor, Dr Reynolds, was talking to. He is the transplant specialist and I got a really good vibe from him. He came in dressed like a doctor (slacks and button up) he has long dark brown hair (think of a hippie) and has a good sense of humor. He introduced himself and said, I don't need you to introduce yourself, I read all about you in the paper on monday!! Then we talked about the run and what Dr Reynolds thought about it (haha). He also asked me if I was a nice navajo or a mean navajo. When he was doing his residency i guess he worked on the Navajo Reservation at three different locations and one was Tuba City (the usual grandparent central location on my dad's side). Another coincidence? i think not. He then talked more about where he worked at including South Dakota (where my parents live) and eventually we got down to talking about transplant stuff. Right now, I think they want to see if I can get into remission through this round of chemo....then go from there. And it depends on if I can find a correct match for me.
Alright so this was a longer post than expected...I guess I'm more bored than I thought. LOL.
I'm gonna drink my coke, send my mom on a chip run, and eventually take a late afternoon cat nap. or just watch TV and hope jersey shore comes on! lol
I love you all. Thanks for the prayers, cards, thoughts, and just for reading this on a regular basis. you guys are awesome, I really can't do this without all of you. :)
have a good afternoon! :)
Kim
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