Relapse.
By far one of the scariest terms any cancer survivor can hear or think about.
I had my first "scare" today. In my previous post, I talked about how ALL of my counts dropped so quick after only a couple of hours. Well as a completely foreigner to all medical "lingo" (to know if that is even possible) my heart stopped when my attending doctor came in and told me the news my counts that were drawn early in the morning were off and she was concerned.
For a brief second that scary 7 letter word popped in my head. Then coincidentally I was writing the date on a paper I had to sign and what number did I write and realize I was writing?? Yes, that's right....7. I freaked out for a mili-second in my head because that's the kind of stuff that happens in horror movies!
Then I caught myself thinking about what would happen next in this "horror scene" picture I created in my head....I was like, WHOA, WHAT AM I DOING?!?
My immediate next thought was what my friend/co-worker Jon had mentioned to me during a casual conversation about negative thinking. I don't remember the details (sorry jon!) but I do remember that negative thinking is the same as saying negative things. It puts my thoughts out there in the universe open for it to possibly happen or somehow come back to bite me where it hurts (karma)....yikes!
So my next step........I got those bad thoughts out of my head and immediately fast forwarded the frozen movie reel I had created in my head to a picture of me and my sister going to the Virgin Islands in October. I pictured us being lazy bums on the beach and swimming with turtles in bright fun bathing suits (totally stereotypical scene from a movie).
And I began to smile and switched my thoughts to "It won't happen, It hasn't happened. I still have to go to the Virgin Islands with my sister! I haven't met my new students! Nope, I know I didn't relapse. Doctor Schmoctor I know my body. I'm fine. I think he should re-draw my blood."
And right then...my doctor said, "okay we're just going to re-draw your blood and re-check your counts because this shouldn't have happened." ..........Well DUH this shouldn't have happened because I KNOW i'm fine.....
And I am.
I guess there was some fluke in the system this morning when they drew my blood (I mean it was 4am!).And what is really funny is that my counts actually went up. So HA...take that cancer!
Kim - 2 Cancer - 0
I'm telling you positive thinking REALLY does do a lot for the soul. it's amazing. Even if medically, it wouldn't have been possible to change my counts by clicking my shiny red shoes, at that instant moment in my head...my "movie" could've went one way or the other. and I chose the other. the happy ending. the positive ending. And that put me at ease so i didn't spend the next 30 minutes a nervous crying wreck. Instead, I googled things to do on our vacation.
:)
So now, I'm still on track with my chemo and I'm scheduled for my lumbar puncture tomorrow. OH JOY.
Now that I probably made a few people cry or shed a tear or two (including myself)....
The rest of my day consisted of me laying in my bed...going to the restroom every 46.75 minutes (no joke, i am so bored in this place that I actually wrote down all the times I went and so far that is my average...or us math folks like to call it...the mean) CRAZY RIGHT?! I'm such a nerd. Anyways, I got a few things taken care of with financial aid mess and hopefully when I'm finished I'll be able to go downstairs and mail it! that would be a fun adventure.
My day was very slow and I'm pretty convinced that my "chemo brain" is acting up. I'm so ADD throughout the day it's ridiculous. I can't focus on one thing for too long or else I start going crazy. Luckily I have the laptop, the ipad, student letters, facebook, and a TV with more than 15 basic channels to keep me entertained between frequent restroom pit stops. If you come to visit me you'll see what I'm talking about because the most simple words get away from me and sometimes I make NO sense at all. weird right? I just can't focus for too long. and that has NEVER been a trait.
AND of course right now my steroids shot is kicking in and i'm completely jittery. AHHHHH!!!
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okay. i took advantage and did some stretching. I feel better.
Alright well other than a few drop in visits from some friends and some fun conversations my day is finally over and i'm SOOOOOOOOO tired. I haven't taken a nap and I just took some sleeping medication and last night I probably got 4 hours of sleep....I have to wake up in 4 hours to put steroid eye drops in my eye so I need to get some zzz's before then.
I love you all.
Kim
:)
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