Day 180: image

8 days until my birthday!!!! Yesterday I got to talk to my sister (1st time since June) and it was so great to talk like we used to. I miss her.

This morning I had to get up early....and I knew that. So what happens?? That's right I Didn't go to sleep until 3am!! But I made it to my 8am appointment on time and they were ready for me this time. I didn'thaveto walk back and forth between two buildings like last time and even the registration process was a lot quicker. As the nurse came and got me from the waiting room, I was talking to her about it being too early and how my plan was to go right to sleep. Well the nurse I had Friday was my same nurse and she overheard me talking and then asked, "would you like a bed instead? I can get you a bed." Those Words were like music to my ears....and I got switched to another room with a comfortable bed. I climbed in and immediately she started covering me with blankets and even gave me a heater thingy that they put underneath your blanket that blows warm air......I mean seriously....can I take it home with me?!?! Then she brought me some benadryl, Tylenol, hot tea, water and more blankets....she totally hooked me up. We engaged in some conversation about my old hair jewelry, purses, Facebook,and other randomness that came our way.

So that's where I'm at now. I'm hanging out in an outpatient surgery room waiting for my 2 bags of blood to arrive and for the benadryl to kick in so I can sleep. After this I'll he fully be a lot more energized. Maybe i'll go for a run tonight. No exercise in like 3 weeks is no bueno for me. This weekend in felt great....now, I felt the fatigue a little this morning but not as bad as Friday. My hemoglobin was at a 5.4 before the transfusion so I imagine now that I'm around a 7. Still really low but I'm functioning fine. My platelets were at a 120....still a little low but what's funny is that I thought it was lower. I have more bruises than ever and on Saturday my nose was running (no worries, I caught it, lol) and it was bleeding and wouldn't seem to stop. As I was cleaning/putting up Halloween decorations around my apartment, I managed to cut myself with scissors between my middle and index finger, get a paper cut from sorting thru mail and even get scratched from dealing with my moody phat cat Einstein. And for icing on the cake, I hit my foot so hard on my own vacuum cleaner that it bled for hours.....this all leads me to believe that I need more platelets because my blood doesn't seem to want to clot like it should....I guess this is why Mr. Bandaid made band/aides. Lol.

Anyways, this morning as I was stumbling around trying to not look so much like a hobo, I washed my face and as I was drying it, I caught a glimpse of myself in my bathroom mirror and thought....wow, I LOOK like I have cancer.

My face was naked....I had no bronzer on and my face looked pale...being anemic didn't help too...my eyelashes were gone and my eyes looked puffy (probably from my lack of sleep).....my eyebrows had disappeared with the soap I used to clean my face and the black pencil I use to create the illusion of eyebrows wasn't there either. My lips were colorless and blended in with the rest of my face screaming for the lip gloss I usually put on every chance I get to avoid this pale look.....and of course, my entire head was smooth and all my hair had fallen out again from my last treatment.

It was gross. Looking in the mirror almost disgusted me because this whole time that I had been priding myself on how well I was doing and receiving all the compliments on how great I looked, I realized how much of that was artificial. Now I understand why the cosmetic industry gets trillions of dollars a year....I hated the feeling of looking sick but feeling "well" that I got during that split second I really looked at myself. And even now as I type this out I'm looking at my hands and I'm embarrassed by them. My nails are all purple and extremely brittle, my skin looks like they've been thru a shredder because they're so dry....and dark I might add. ::sigh::

So today after this epiphany I had.....and moment of sadness.....I shrugged my shoulders....thought....it is what it is.....I feel fine and that's all that matters, right? :/ well no because we are visual creature that judge people based on their looks. And right now, mine doesn't portray What I want it to or how I actually feel 99% of the time.

so I painted on my eyebrows...found the biggest bling-iest earrings I could find to make sure no one mistakes me for a boy....added a sparkle of bronzer, and put on my favorite baseball cap and was on my way....