Today has been a hectic day but I will say I was feeling crabby and irritated earlier in the day but now I'm nothing but excited and nervous.
I started my day off a wee bit late (11am) because of course, I'm still in hospital bed mode and want to do nothing but lay on my couch or floor and sleep or just relax. But I had to get up (with a LOT of help from my mom) and get myself ready to get my blood drawn at the hospital (a daily occurrence now). We had problems because the ENTIRE hospital was shut down including where they told us to go to get my blood drawn from. But after we argued our way through it we got it and the results were called into my doctor who called me later in the day with the latest health update. (more on that later)
Anyways, so then after we got all of that stuff straightened out it was around 2:30pm and my mom and I were in a weird position because I was suppose to meet at a friends house around 4ish to go to the Memorial Marathon Run Pasta Party. So we decided to go to wal-mart and took the back ways. While I was riding shot gun in my mom's car, I decided to google "Bone Marrow Transplant" because since I MAY (85% sure if my brother or sister is an exact match) have one after this next round of chemo and I've been having people ask me exactly what they're gonna do, i decided to research it a little. So as my mom was driving I was reading aloud what exactly it is and the procedure. Well my mom isn't from Oklahoma City and is semi-familiar with streets and stuff. She has a pretty good memory but since I was blabbering about the BMT, she was probably thinking about it and she missed the wal-mart backstreet road to get to the wal-mart off of I-40. I heard her say "I missed the road!" but I kept on reading aloud. Then she found a place to turn around and she was STILL confused about where she was and turned too early. So at this point, we're driving between the Hobby Lobby and Shoe Carnival right by the Wal-mart and as I was reading, I noticed my mom stopped. I figured it was just backed up because everyone loves walmart...lol....and then my mom got OUT of the car and ran to a van that was going the opposite (west) direction we were going (east). The van was parked at one of the random stop signs that people always wonder why they are there and cars were passing it like she was waiting on something. It took me a while to figure out what was going on because my mom immediately went to the driver and started talking to her. In my head I was saying to myself....what is my mom doing....hmm I wonder if she knows that person and hasn't seen her in a long time and was way excited to see her??....is that one of our relatives?? THEN i finally heard my mom saying "are you okay?? Can you breathe okay?? Has this happened before??"
So now I was WAYYYY confused and FINALLY realized (me and my slow self) OMG, this lady is having some sort of panic/anxiety/heart attack. I heard nothing but the lady moaning in pain as she grabbed her chest. I then thought to myself....maybe I should call 911....but then a little girl appeared in my sight and said that it has happened before so then I was like....maybe she has medication or an inhaler and the little girl knows a "routine" for her mom. So finally we got a "go ahead" from the mom (lady who was in pain) to call the ambulance. SO now, people are not only piled up behind us but we are blocking the ENTIRE way to walmart and people were getting angry. SO I shouted to my mom, "I'll call the ambulance" as I ran around the car and gave the INDEX (not middle, lol) "wait a second guy behind me getting angry about to honk at me" finger and drove the car around the parking lot while on the phone with 911. It was a weird call because I was really calm and the guy on the other end sounded panicked. weird right?? So I stayed on the line and gave very specific instructions to him and then he asked me to describe the "situation." So then I was like...uhhhh....i just did?? But he eventually wanted descriptions of the car, the lady, the kid, her bday, her weight, EVERYTHING. I kept saying, I don't know her we just stopped by because we knew she was struggling. THEN he kept asking a MILLION more questions about where I was. He was like....remain calm and on the phone with me....I was thinking....ummm I am calm and why would I hang up??? But I described in DETAIL (i was proud of myself) where we were and soon enough the fire truck arrived and then then guy on the phone was like....okay bye. LOL. it was weird. So by now people are staring at us, I pulled up behind the van and was checking out the action and they pulled the lady out of the van and as soon as the ambulance came they took her in and her other daughter had just went into work at walmart and had to tell her boss what was going on. So my mother and I stayed with the little girl until they were good to go.....
So basically, my mother and I saved her life and this just adds to my theory/life saying....Everything happens for a reason. Because (here I go again) WHAT IF we decided not to go to wal-mart (we BOTH weren't in the mood to go at all) and WHAT IF my mom didn't miss the road? What would've happened to this lady?? Especially since everyone was kinda honking and moving around her. My mom and I were just there at the right place at the right time and it felt good to help.
We ended up not even going to wal-mart because it was already 3:30 so we just turned around and went home. crazy right??
We talked about it the entire way home and I was going on and on about how it was meant for us to be there for that reason....like I'm still trying to figure out how I won the "lottery" and was randomly chosen to be given leukemia and fight the good fight the rest of my life.
ANYWAYS, i went home, changed, and went to my friends house and retold my mom and I's story. The whole drive there I sat in silence and just thought about what just happened. I guess all this chemo and cancer stuff has really gotten me to think about life and my meaning of being here. I thought about the lady, her family, and her daughters. How scared they must be and the phone call (the older daughter used my phone to call someone) I might get later because she couldn't get a hold of whoever it was she was calling. Then I thought to myself, what if I am the one who has to explain what happened....a complete stranger to whoever was on the phone....What if I was that person in the car and no one stopped to help me. life is funny sometimes and throws curveballs all the time to maybe re-evaluate yourself and put your life into perspective. Maybe I needed this day to look at my life and see where I am at....who knows, one day...i'll figure it out. :)
THen we went to the pasta party and it was nice. I ate a lot of food (surprisingly) and met some nice people and enjoyed the company of my fellow co-workers and some students. :) As I sat there eating in the HOT sun (as I wore jeans and a long sleeve and a BLACK scarf on my head) I couldn't help but think of the lady again and just took some time to "stop and smell the flowers," I took one of my mental "snapshots" and stored it in my hospital file I have going on in my head.....a collection of select memories that I choose to remember in DETAIL (look, smell, feel.... everything) for those days in the hospital where I'm stuck in my room.
I also started getting nervous about the 5k. It's always been about what time I'll get but this time...it is different. I'm running for the pure joy of running (even though around mile 1.4 I'll be KICKING myself and thinking....WHY AM I DOING THIS??!) and for my life. That sounds like dramatic and weird to say because I'm not in any way dying...i think. but I'm running because I can. I'm celebrating being healthy enough to function properly in the real world with a blood cancer. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm lucky enough to be alive with this cancer they caught by "accident." I'm running for those who are stuck in the hospital during this who can't run. cheesy....yes. but it will probably be THE most meaningful thing I have done in my entire life. YES i'm sure MY time will upset me (that's the competitor in me) but I have one goal and one goal only....to finish. Time is a number that right now....is irrelevant to anything that I'm currently struggling with (my self image, my health, and my emotional well being). This sounds bizarre and you're probably thinking to yourself.....this girl is weird and i don't understand a word she has typed....but once again, believe me, it makes sense in my head. :)
So tomorrow I will be joining fellow co-workers and beloved students of Taft run a very meaningful 5k run. The run starts around 6:40 and I'm hoping to be DONE by 7:40....well i NEED to be done with my run by then because i still have to get blood drawn by 9:30.
SPEAKING of which....i forgot to say.....during the pasta party my doctor called me and immediately when I heard, this is Dr. Reynolds trying to get a hold of Kimberly Begay.....my heart sank.
A BILLION thoughts shot thru my head mainly concerned with me not being able to run tomorrow because i had low counts or he was going to admit me asap because I needed something. But luckily I'm only low on platelets so as you pray for me tonight (if you read this before 7am) or send good healthy vibes my way during the run...just sneak in there....please don't fall too. I have a TERRIBLE HISTORY of falling outside while running on pavement.....so i PRAY myself that I don't fall because my poor blood won't be able to clot on it's own. :( that would be bad....but THAT WON'T HAPPEN. :)
alright, well I now have 5 hours of sleep to do to rest up for tomorrow's early rise and run. and my ipod is now ready to go. I have created the ULTRA 5k mix. I have a bit of starting off songs....slow but steady.....a couple of good "UPHILL TIME" songs.....and of course a "LAST MILE...PICK IT UP KIM" songs that should get me through it. :)
I will finish. I will TRY not to walk. Time doesn't matter. I'm doing this for me. I can do this.
i love you all, will blog tomorrow morning after the run with the possibility of pictures... :)
good night.
love,
kim
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Day 28: What a day.
I'm tired. it's about 11:23pm and I just got back from the Taft Teacher Softball games. I think they lost both (LOL, what a fan I am) but that's okay. I was just so happy to see everyone and function in "normal" society for a while before I go back. I definitely took a minute or two to take a "snapshot" of everything....the wind blowing, the people screaming, the kids crying, and the just being in the company of others. I guess it's an even trade for me....missing the social life for saving my life. But it's just depressing being in the hospital (especially since I may not have the penthouse suite) and not being able to do anything. I'm usually a busy body person trying to help out in anyway I can with anyone. I generally don't like being alone (unless I need my "ME" time) and I usually found myself always thinking about work (school) 24/7. I love what I do and I just miss being around my students, my soccer boys, and my co-workers. Of course, they come to me in the hospital but it's just not the same. I feel like I'm on "display" and everything is about me....it sounds weird "saying" it out loud but just know that I'm making complete sense. LOL. :)
Well 5k is on sunday.....I only ran/walk twice. I might get out tomorrow after my daily medical visit and do a mile or two....I need to run the entire thing to see if it's even possible for me to run the whole thing but, I'm a wee bit too late so I'm just going to be a trooper and completely wing it. I figured since I'll be going to the hospital anyway on Monday and I'll have access to all the recovery "drugs" I'll be needing, why not push it to the limit?? lol. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the cold weather. The rain I can handle (mainly because I only hated running in the rain b/c my hair would get wet and heavy and annoy me, but now that I don't have hair, i don't have that obstacle to worry about) but the cold air going down the throat and to my lungs may kinda hurt. Usually after runs I have a terrible cough for a few days because I run with my mouth open (and always have). I'm afraid with the chemo going and my doctor being concerned. SO i'll be at the start line with a mask on and possible a back up in my pocket to hopefully take away the sting I usually feel.
So if anyone wants to watch me FINISH a 5k.....gun start time is 6:40am so I'll be finishing up around...7:20am?? but I'd be there at 7am juuuuuuust in case I decide to go ALL out and completely out do myself. LOL. OH and don't worry....if you sleep in I plan on running with my camera and taking pictures as I run (my sister usually does that during half marathons) to help literally, capture the moments so I can add it to my "journey" album I'm creating. :) YAY!
I'm excited to run because secretly i love running and that's all i know to do during "hard times." I've been being extra cautious and anal about being sanitary so let's hope my blood counts are UP tomorrow so I won't be admitted. ANYWAYS, it's now 11:43 and I'm done heating my back (it's STILL sore from day 1 of my run/walk series) and I'm tired.
Love you all and thanks for being so supportive as I take on this crazy 5k.....cold turkey.
I'm blessed to even be able to do it. And I will one day look back at this and shake my head and say "why kim. you're crazy"................but that's what makes it more oh-so-exciting.
Goodnight.
Kim
Well 5k is on sunday.....I only ran/walk twice. I might get out tomorrow after my daily medical visit and do a mile or two....I need to run the entire thing to see if it's even possible for me to run the whole thing but, I'm a wee bit too late so I'm just going to be a trooper and completely wing it. I figured since I'll be going to the hospital anyway on Monday and I'll have access to all the recovery "drugs" I'll be needing, why not push it to the limit?? lol. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the cold weather. The rain I can handle (mainly because I only hated running in the rain b/c my hair would get wet and heavy and annoy me, but now that I don't have hair, i don't have that obstacle to worry about) but the cold air going down the throat and to my lungs may kinda hurt. Usually after runs I have a terrible cough for a few days because I run with my mouth open (and always have). I'm afraid with the chemo going and my doctor being concerned. SO i'll be at the start line with a mask on and possible a back up in my pocket to hopefully take away the sting I usually feel.
So if anyone wants to watch me FINISH a 5k.....gun start time is 6:40am so I'll be finishing up around...7:20am?? but I'd be there at 7am juuuuuuust in case I decide to go ALL out and completely out do myself. LOL. OH and don't worry....if you sleep in I plan on running with my camera and taking pictures as I run (my sister usually does that during half marathons) to help literally, capture the moments so I can add it to my "journey" album I'm creating. :) YAY!
I'm excited to run because secretly i love running and that's all i know to do during "hard times." I've been being extra cautious and anal about being sanitary so let's hope my blood counts are UP tomorrow so I won't be admitted. ANYWAYS, it's now 11:43 and I'm done heating my back (it's STILL sore from day 1 of my run/walk series) and I'm tired.
Love you all and thanks for being so supportive as I take on this crazy 5k.....cold turkey.
I'm blessed to even be able to do it. And I will one day look back at this and shake my head and say "why kim. you're crazy"................but that's what makes it more oh-so-exciting.
Goodnight.
Kim
Day 28: Days "off"
It's the third day FULL day that I'm out of the hospital and I'm starting to see that just being in the hospital for a month really does something to your body. Yesterday and today I have just been tired. I don't know if I wore my little kid self out on tuesday and wednesday by overloading myself with visiting people, stuff to do, or just getting over excited to drive again, but these past two days I've been in a weird mood. NO, it's not my blood level (I have enough in me).... NO, I'm not over doing it...YES, i think it's still a good thing to run my 5k on Sunday.
One weird thing that I found funny was all day yesterday when I was dragging around, I told a friend (who is also running the 5k on sunday) that i HAD to run/walk at least for a little bit....mainly because I have just been STIFF around my shoulders, neck, and upper back. But as soon as I got out and hit the pavement with her, I felt just fine. I enjoyed walking, jogging, and just being outside and last night was a great night for that. I still plan on running my 5k on sunday and finishing under 45 minutes....so wish me luck! :) I'm going to go "running clothes" shopping hopefully soon and I'm way excited because new anything makes me happy.
On top of all this weird mood thing, a lot has begun to "settle in." I don't like people looking at me and having a stare on their face that just screams "I know you have cancer, and I'm sorry." I know that sounds really weird and you probably think i'm just paranoid about my scarves on my head or just feeling self-conscious about the way I look....but I've had bad hair days and days that I'm sure I looked miserable and got funny looks but I can't describe how people look at me. Only I see it and only I can just smile with a reassuring "don't worry, i'm gonna win" smile but it's scary with people staring at me all the time. Who knows maybe after I shave off the rest of my hair (hopefully SOON) I'll soon start going bald just to see what people say/think THEN. lol. :)
I had a moment the other day where I was looking outside and I shed a tear....which is TOTALLY allowed for me to do at any given time. but I just appreciated being alive. I know that sounds extreme but just thinking and remembering my condition before I was admitted to the hospital, is really scary. I live by myself in an apartment on the third floor and there were only a select few people who knew where I lived or had been over to my place....but I just thought of WHAT IF I didn't make that hospital appointment that tuesday afternoon. WHAT IF my doctor didn't get my blood results until the next day. WHAT IF i didn't answer the "unknown" number i usually NEVER answer. WHAT IF I went to sleep and did in fact never wake up because I just didn't have enough blood in me. WHAT IF I passed out while driving a car to work or even at work......I know these are crazy questions to be asking myself and I'll probably get a lot of "BUT YOU DID or DIDN'T" comments that I find annoying....hint hint....but these are real questions I ask myself and I'm sure others think about. It's just scary knowing what i could've went through and how lucky I am that I did (finally) listen to others and actually go to a doctor.
Like I've been saying in my previous posts, I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and I stick by my "theory" that it makes my "story" THAT much cooler and impressive.....i mean come on I find it IMPRESSIVE that I have been THE LOWEST blood count patient to even walk on my own without passing out. :D
Alright I think everything as far as health wise goes I'm doing good. I've been going to my doctors office everyday and getting my cbc counts (hemoglobin, platelets, and white blood) and weight/temperature just to make sure I'm okay. And so far I haven't had any concerns and I guess since I'm still functioning properly out in the real world, I'm good. I'm going to try to enjoy the next two days as much as my body (and white blood cells) will let me. Don't worry, I'm being safe and germ-xing and sanitizing everything in sight when I can.
To my hardcore readers (a lot of people were saying that they read this thing EVERY MORNING) I'm sorry for the lack of writing, I know I've been slacking but don't worry, I'll be back to every day writing and sometimes those random 2 or 3 a day-ers....i'm just focusing on my run. LOL. :)
love you all & thanks for the continuous thoughts and prayers and just NICE things you all say to make me smile these days.
:)
xoxo
kim
One weird thing that I found funny was all day yesterday when I was dragging around, I told a friend (who is also running the 5k on sunday) that i HAD to run/walk at least for a little bit....mainly because I have just been STIFF around my shoulders, neck, and upper back. But as soon as I got out and hit the pavement with her, I felt just fine. I enjoyed walking, jogging, and just being outside and last night was a great night for that. I still plan on running my 5k on sunday and finishing under 45 minutes....so wish me luck! :) I'm going to go "running clothes" shopping hopefully soon and I'm way excited because new anything makes me happy.
On top of all this weird mood thing, a lot has begun to "settle in." I don't like people looking at me and having a stare on their face that just screams "I know you have cancer, and I'm sorry." I know that sounds really weird and you probably think i'm just paranoid about my scarves on my head or just feeling self-conscious about the way I look....but I've had bad hair days and days that I'm sure I looked miserable and got funny looks but I can't describe how people look at me. Only I see it and only I can just smile with a reassuring "don't worry, i'm gonna win" smile but it's scary with people staring at me all the time. Who knows maybe after I shave off the rest of my hair (hopefully SOON) I'll soon start going bald just to see what people say/think THEN. lol. :)
I had a moment the other day where I was looking outside and I shed a tear....which is TOTALLY allowed for me to do at any given time. but I just appreciated being alive. I know that sounds extreme but just thinking and remembering my condition before I was admitted to the hospital, is really scary. I live by myself in an apartment on the third floor and there were only a select few people who knew where I lived or had been over to my place....but I just thought of WHAT IF I didn't make that hospital appointment that tuesday afternoon. WHAT IF my doctor didn't get my blood results until the next day. WHAT IF i didn't answer the "unknown" number i usually NEVER answer. WHAT IF I went to sleep and did in fact never wake up because I just didn't have enough blood in me. WHAT IF I passed out while driving a car to work or even at work......I know these are crazy questions to be asking myself and I'll probably get a lot of "BUT YOU DID or DIDN'T" comments that I find annoying....hint hint....but these are real questions I ask myself and I'm sure others think about. It's just scary knowing what i could've went through and how lucky I am that I did (finally) listen to others and actually go to a doctor.
Like I've been saying in my previous posts, I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and I stick by my "theory" that it makes my "story" THAT much cooler and impressive.....i mean come on I find it IMPRESSIVE that I have been THE LOWEST blood count patient to even walk on my own without passing out. :D
Alright I think everything as far as health wise goes I'm doing good. I've been going to my doctors office everyday and getting my cbc counts (hemoglobin, platelets, and white blood) and weight/temperature just to make sure I'm okay. And so far I haven't had any concerns and I guess since I'm still functioning properly out in the real world, I'm good. I'm going to try to enjoy the next two days as much as my body (and white blood cells) will let me. Don't worry, I'm being safe and germ-xing and sanitizing everything in sight when I can.
To my hardcore readers (a lot of people were saying that they read this thing EVERY MORNING) I'm sorry for the lack of writing, I know I've been slacking but don't worry, I'll be back to every day writing and sometimes those random 2 or 3 a day-ers....i'm just focusing on my run. LOL. :)
love you all & thanks for the continuous thoughts and prayers and just NICE things you all say to make me smile these days.
:)
xoxo
kim
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day 25: Oh So Thirsty.....
So first FULL day home and what did I do?? SLEEP. lol. I guess I just got used to all my hospital "cat" naps and after actually getting ready (sweats, t-shirt, jacket, scarf) and going to the doctors appointment to get my blood drawn, I was just TIRED. not a fatigue tired like i have no blood in me....because I do have blood in me this time! Just ready to go to sleep.
At the doctors office this lady knew I had cancer, I mean at this point, it's quite obvious I have it but she was staring at me. She was an older lady and was like.....don't feel bad about your condition, you're very young, don't let it defeat you blah, blah, blah. It was just awkward in general and I didn't know how to take it. SO for future references if you see a patient with a scarf and a MASK on....DON'T start encouraging them because it's just depressing. Anyways, after we got done with the doc office (MY WHITE BLOOD COUNT IS AT A 1!) we were on our way home and ALL DAY i've just been THIRSTY....but I can't quench it. Water doesn't do anything, tea doesn't do anything, NOTHING....it's like a dry mouth thing but i've never had it and nothing works to make it stop. BOO.
Anyways, as soon as I got home I went to sleep and just woke up....I have a dinner with some college soccer friends tonight that I'm resting up for that and my next run.....I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the day goes. I go back in monday so I'm trying to be cautious enjoy as much as I can. But for now, I have to go get TIRES for my car....UUUGGGHHHHH. lol
much love,
kim
At the doctors office this lady knew I had cancer, I mean at this point, it's quite obvious I have it but she was staring at me. She was an older lady and was like.....don't feel bad about your condition, you're very young, don't let it defeat you blah, blah, blah. It was just awkward in general and I didn't know how to take it. SO for future references if you see a patient with a scarf and a MASK on....DON'T start encouraging them because it's just depressing. Anyways, after we got done with the doc office (MY WHITE BLOOD COUNT IS AT A 1!) we were on our way home and ALL DAY i've just been THIRSTY....but I can't quench it. Water doesn't do anything, tea doesn't do anything, NOTHING....it's like a dry mouth thing but i've never had it and nothing works to make it stop. BOO.
Anyways, as soon as I got home I went to sleep and just woke up....I have a dinner with some college soccer friends tonight that I'm resting up for that and my next run.....I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the day goes. I go back in monday so I'm trying to be cautious enjoy as much as I can. But for now, I have to go get TIRES for my car....UUUGGGHHHHH. lol
much love,
kim
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day 24: I'm Alive Again! :)
no pun intended on the headline but I just feel great!!! I feel like I did back in my healthy days....except I have to wear a mask and a scarf for now everywhere I go and I look like a crazy person germ-xing ALL the time....but as long as I'm out, I don't care.
Right now it's the end of a BIG day and I feel like I made the most of my time today and I'm pleased with myself.
After FINALLY packing up my room, showering, and waiting for a volunteer to wheelchair me downstairs to my mom's car we took off and came to my apartment where my cat einstein REMEMBERED me....he had a huge attitude (to be expected) but all together was happy I was home. It's going to break his little heart when I go back but hopefully I won't be in for another MONTH AGAIN. ugh, now that I think about it and just having a feeling or thought that "wow, today my focus is to live" just doesn't settle right....especially for me and my attitude or outlook on life.
When I would wake up to the early calls of the nurses, drawing my blood, handing me medications, asking if I had enough strength to use the restroom on my own.....I felt....weird. There were also depressing stages that I went through where I would be by myself an think those terrible thoughts of "it go so bad that all the doctors, nurses, and whoever wants to do everything for me because I just need to focus on being alive." it's such a scary thought but those are things that I would think about.
Now if I were to let that have sank into my brain and let it marinate any longer than it did (a whole like 3 seconds) then you would've seen a whole different side of me. But I thought to myself....well, I'm here, I'm alive, I'm thankful.....so moving on....ellen anyone?
I feel like my whole attitude on life and people are changing as I go though this and it's just so weird being "in that moment" of change. it's a good change and something not everyone goes through or even imagines going through but I'm lucky to have a good family, good friends, and just all around good people supporting me.
Anyways, enough of that sappy garbage (lol, didn't mean it like that, everyone knows I'm non emotional at times) I had a GREAT first day out. :) I fell asleep when I got home just out of habit and after I woke up refreshed I went to a wig shop and found myself a wig. She said I won't have it for 5 more days (sad face) but I can figure out how to rock a scarf for a few more days and next time I'm out, THEN i'll be in full force. :) And wigs are EXPENSIVE!!!!! I got a partial insurance pay thingy....and a 20% discount AND still paid in the three figures for it.....and it wasn't even HUMAN HAIR.....geez. Good thing I had naturally semi good looking full thick hair or else I'd be the president of broke phi broke (kanye anyone?).
Then following that I went out to eat a BJ's for an early dinner/appetizer thingy just because I could and it was just nice. I then went home to change and went over to two friends house and went to Ross to look for a sundress and I looked at scarves (found a plain black one) and bought einstein a little house thingy he can lay in (because that's usually all he does) and he loves it! :)
THEN.....
it happened.....
I started day ONE of FIVE (technically 4 because I won't actually "train" the night before) for my 5k training that will happen on SUNDAY. I expect a lot of people to cheer me on as I finish (that's my only goal, no time involved this time) the finish line. And right now....it's SOOOOOO possible. For those who are still worried, I have a been a runner my entire life. I ran my first 5k when I was like 7 and on my "let's get back into shape week" I run a 5k a day. It's something that has always been in me and will never leave....cancer or not. I LOVE RUNNING and we've been through SO much together that it makes me so happy that I am actually able to do this again. YES it's a risk because I do have leukemia but now more than ever I know my body. Before, as you all know, I pushed and pushed myself through pain because walking was just unacceptable. I didn't know that I didn't have hardly ANY blood in my body to even slow down. I thought I was invincible and just kept going because....if I stopped.....I failed. I don't want to sound depressing but as a runner, not getting a good time, walking when you know you shouldn't, or even seeing people pass you in better shape than you....it.....hurts.
So anyways, my friend Emily and I did a 34 minute jog/walk and ran a total of 2.25 miles....and on a FIRST day out of the hospital after ZERO and I literally mean ZERO physical activity, I'm quite proud of myself and what I accomplished. Even though I had about a 15 minute mile pace....I just want to finish and say "I did it."
Alright well, I need to go to sleep because once again...i have an early morning at the doctor's office and this bed is just sooooooo comfortable that it's calling my name to go to SLEEP.
tomorrow should be interesting how I physically feel after my run (SOOOORRREEEE) so I'll keep you posted.
THank you to all my amazing friends, family, and people who are just randomly following my posts for all your good thoughts and kind words of encouragement and most of all for understanding what this 5k means to me. I know a lot of you initially thought "WHAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND LADY...YOU HAVE LEUKEMIA" but just know I will be fine and all I need is a little prayer, a little good thoughts, and a good running hat and capris and I'll be FINE....maybe some new pink nikes??? lol.
More to come tomorrow. love you all...
good night. :)
Kim
Right now it's the end of a BIG day and I feel like I made the most of my time today and I'm pleased with myself.
After FINALLY packing up my room, showering, and waiting for a volunteer to wheelchair me downstairs to my mom's car we took off and came to my apartment where my cat einstein REMEMBERED me....he had a huge attitude (to be expected) but all together was happy I was home. It's going to break his little heart when I go back but hopefully I won't be in for another MONTH AGAIN. ugh, now that I think about it and just having a feeling or thought that "wow, today my focus is to live" just doesn't settle right....especially for me and my attitude or outlook on life.
When I would wake up to the early calls of the nurses, drawing my blood, handing me medications, asking if I had enough strength to use the restroom on my own.....I felt....weird. There were also depressing stages that I went through where I would be by myself an think those terrible thoughts of "it go so bad that all the doctors, nurses, and whoever wants to do everything for me because I just need to focus on being alive." it's such a scary thought but those are things that I would think about.
Now if I were to let that have sank into my brain and let it marinate any longer than it did (a whole like 3 seconds) then you would've seen a whole different side of me. But I thought to myself....well, I'm here, I'm alive, I'm thankful.....so moving on....ellen anyone?
I feel like my whole attitude on life and people are changing as I go though this and it's just so weird being "in that moment" of change. it's a good change and something not everyone goes through or even imagines going through but I'm lucky to have a good family, good friends, and just all around good people supporting me.
Anyways, enough of that sappy garbage (lol, didn't mean it like that, everyone knows I'm non emotional at times) I had a GREAT first day out. :) I fell asleep when I got home just out of habit and after I woke up refreshed I went to a wig shop and found myself a wig. She said I won't have it for 5 more days (sad face) but I can figure out how to rock a scarf for a few more days and next time I'm out, THEN i'll be in full force. :) And wigs are EXPENSIVE!!!!! I got a partial insurance pay thingy....and a 20% discount AND still paid in the three figures for it.....and it wasn't even HUMAN HAIR.....geez. Good thing I had naturally semi good looking full thick hair or else I'd be the president of broke phi broke (kanye anyone?).
Then following that I went out to eat a BJ's for an early dinner/appetizer thingy just because I could and it was just nice. I then went home to change and went over to two friends house and went to Ross to look for a sundress and I looked at scarves (found a plain black one) and bought einstein a little house thingy he can lay in (because that's usually all he does) and he loves it! :)
THEN.....
it happened.....
I started day ONE of FIVE (technically 4 because I won't actually "train" the night before) for my 5k training that will happen on SUNDAY. I expect a lot of people to cheer me on as I finish (that's my only goal, no time involved this time) the finish line. And right now....it's SOOOOOO possible. For those who are still worried, I have a been a runner my entire life. I ran my first 5k when I was like 7 and on my "let's get back into shape week" I run a 5k a day. It's something that has always been in me and will never leave....cancer or not. I LOVE RUNNING and we've been through SO much together that it makes me so happy that I am actually able to do this again. YES it's a risk because I do have leukemia but now more than ever I know my body. Before, as you all know, I pushed and pushed myself through pain because walking was just unacceptable. I didn't know that I didn't have hardly ANY blood in my body to even slow down. I thought I was invincible and just kept going because....if I stopped.....I failed. I don't want to sound depressing but as a runner, not getting a good time, walking when you know you shouldn't, or even seeing people pass you in better shape than you....it.....hurts.
So anyways, my friend Emily and I did a 34 minute jog/walk and ran a total of 2.25 miles....and on a FIRST day out of the hospital after ZERO and I literally mean ZERO physical activity, I'm quite proud of myself and what I accomplished. Even though I had about a 15 minute mile pace....I just want to finish and say "I did it."
Alright well, I need to go to sleep because once again...i have an early morning at the doctor's office and this bed is just sooooooo comfortable that it's calling my name to go to SLEEP.
tomorrow should be interesting how I physically feel after my run (SOOOORRREEEE) so I'll keep you posted.
THank you to all my amazing friends, family, and people who are just randomly following my posts for all your good thoughts and kind words of encouragement and most of all for understanding what this 5k means to me. I know a lot of you initially thought "WHAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND LADY...YOU HAVE LEUKEMIA" but just know I will be fine and all I need is a little prayer, a little good thoughts, and a good running hat and capris and I'll be FINE....maybe some new pink nikes??? lol.
More to come tomorrow. love you all...
good night. :)
Kim
Day 24: One Month CAN literally Feel Like One Million Years
I didn't know how to break this....i struggled between facebook or blog....facebook or blog.....facebook or BLOG.....FACEBOOK or BLOG....and that literally how it went it my head (like in the movies when they actually have an important life changing decision to make....lol.
Well around these hospital parts, I have to create my own and blow things out of proportion because when your sitting around here.....why not? it's way to boring not too, especially when no one is looking. It keeps you sane.
ANYways, no real "clear update" on my HCB (counts)....My Oncologist is kind of like a tornado sometimes and just talks, talks, talks, says "any questions?" leaves a 1 second gap....and walks out. But other days he's here to chat so I can usually tell when he's busy or not.
Anyways, sorry about my rant last night about my 5k cold turkey run. I guess I understand a lot of concerns but believe me I know my body more than ever (especially if i was running around here with a 3.8 hemoglobin) and signs that I will be "familiar" with if I need something. I won't be "scared" or "embarrassed" to stop like I usually am when I ran the many 5k's, 8k's, 10k's, half marathons, or full marathons. I understand I'm in a WHOLE different ballpark.....but if you know me, telling me I can't do something just fuels a natural drive I (or any equally or as competitive) person that I am. I will finish. I will try my best. I will listen to my body. I will walk if I think need to. I know my family will be proud and these will be one of those inspiring moments I will live on to tell my children, my team I'll coach as a pep talk, and OF COURSE...my family to "ONE UP" them because we often get into those types of arguments and by me saying...."so (as I tug my pants up) "I once ran a 5k (insert my brother laughing hysterically here....after he stops) without running for 2 1/2 month (brother: please I run them everyday) AND without doing any type of physical activity beside remote flipping, computer typing and walking to and from a shower/counch/restroom. (he'll chuckle) then....(here's the kickline) I got out of the hospital on a Tuesday, and trained by walking more, a light jog here or two, and completed a 5k on a Sunday morning............with cancer, a blood cancer at that."
oh that punch line is oh so sweet!! :)
So if you read that entire story and KNOW my family, you'll understand the sweet smell of victory to just put everyone in their place and ever since I can imagine I've always competed through tae-kwon-do forms and fightings, casual running on any given day of the week with my sister that always turned into competition, the treadmill race I got into with everyone and ANYONE on the treadmill and me thinking (HA!! I've been on the treadmill longer than you!) I often had hour long runs just to prove a point, the gross eating food contest I always never entered but watch my brother win victorious, the "who can keep their arms straight out in front of them the longest" in the long car rides we were bored (I always lost), and of course the traditional stuff, soccer games, track meets, bball games, x-country meets, cheerleading, and softball games....so just all these funny things just kinda make me want my brother or sister to run this with me but it's also symbolic that I have a MILLION supporters watching my journey and cheering me on but I can only do it myself and feel good for myself for actually doing it.
ON to the good news that I'm sure that MOST of you all figured out....I'm getting DISCHARGED TODAY!!! :) I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE.................................for a week, then I'll be back for another round of Chemo but I thought this day would NEVER come. I'm glad it's here and I'm ready.
Today's agenda is gathering all my stuff and moving it down to the car, go wig shopping (b/c my insurance is awesome and covers up to $150 in wigs caused by medical stuff....there is actually a technical term but i don't remember or want to get up to look at it....but I'm running a 5k on sunday, LOL) then I'll probably go to forever 21 or somewhere to buy a few scarves and jewelry I can wear when I come back. stocking caps and all the unnecessary things but I still need.
whew. i have a full day ahead of me but I'm hungry.....great, this is NOT good.
Anyways, thanks for reading and thanks for having or at least trying to have a good attitude for my 5k. Just know it means a lot to me and like I said please don't worry because I know my body so much more than ever and I know my limits. Please don't worry I've have other Tafties out there who would be more than willing to sacrifice their time (sarah....lol) to make sure that I get to where I'm going. :)
I love you all....but I need to start cleaning....ASAP. :)
xooxoxo
Kim
also thank you for those who have been reading since I've been here and traveled this FIRST journey with me. I'll continue to blog everyday while I'm at home but there will be no guarantees it will be as comical. But I'll do my best :)
Well around these hospital parts, I have to create my own and blow things out of proportion because when your sitting around here.....why not? it's way to boring not too, especially when no one is looking. It keeps you sane.
ANYways, no real "clear update" on my HCB (counts)....My Oncologist is kind of like a tornado sometimes and just talks, talks, talks, says "any questions?" leaves a 1 second gap....and walks out. But other days he's here to chat so I can usually tell when he's busy or not.
Anyways, sorry about my rant last night about my 5k cold turkey run. I guess I understand a lot of concerns but believe me I know my body more than ever (especially if i was running around here with a 3.8 hemoglobin) and signs that I will be "familiar" with if I need something. I won't be "scared" or "embarrassed" to stop like I usually am when I ran the many 5k's, 8k's, 10k's, half marathons, or full marathons. I understand I'm in a WHOLE different ballpark.....but if you know me, telling me I can't do something just fuels a natural drive I (or any equally or as competitive) person that I am. I will finish. I will try my best. I will listen to my body. I will walk if I think need to. I know my family will be proud and these will be one of those inspiring moments I will live on to tell my children, my team I'll coach as a pep talk, and OF COURSE...my family to "ONE UP" them because we often get into those types of arguments and by me saying...."so (as I tug my pants up) "I once ran a 5k (insert my brother laughing hysterically here....after he stops) without running for 2 1/2 month (brother: please I run them everyday) AND without doing any type of physical activity beside remote flipping, computer typing and walking to and from a shower/counch/restroom. (he'll chuckle) then....(here's the kickline) I got out of the hospital on a Tuesday, and trained by walking more, a light jog here or two, and completed a 5k on a Sunday morning............with cancer, a blood cancer at that."
oh that punch line is oh so sweet!! :)
So if you read that entire story and KNOW my family, you'll understand the sweet smell of victory to just put everyone in their place and ever since I can imagine I've always competed through tae-kwon-do forms and fightings, casual running on any given day of the week with my sister that always turned into competition, the treadmill race I got into with everyone and ANYONE on the treadmill and me thinking (HA!! I've been on the treadmill longer than you!) I often had hour long runs just to prove a point, the gross eating food contest I always never entered but watch my brother win victorious, the "who can keep their arms straight out in front of them the longest" in the long car rides we were bored (I always lost), and of course the traditional stuff, soccer games, track meets, bball games, x-country meets, cheerleading, and softball games....so just all these funny things just kinda make me want my brother or sister to run this with me but it's also symbolic that I have a MILLION supporters watching my journey and cheering me on but I can only do it myself and feel good for myself for actually doing it.
ON to the good news that I'm sure that MOST of you all figured out....I'm getting DISCHARGED TODAY!!! :) I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE.................................for a week, then I'll be back for another round of Chemo but I thought this day would NEVER come. I'm glad it's here and I'm ready.
Today's agenda is gathering all my stuff and moving it down to the car, go wig shopping (b/c my insurance is awesome and covers up to $150 in wigs caused by medical stuff....there is actually a technical term but i don't remember or want to get up to look at it....but I'm running a 5k on sunday, LOL) then I'll probably go to forever 21 or somewhere to buy a few scarves and jewelry I can wear when I come back. stocking caps and all the unnecessary things but I still need.
whew. i have a full day ahead of me but I'm hungry.....great, this is NOT good.
Anyways, thanks for reading and thanks for having or at least trying to have a good attitude for my 5k. Just know it means a lot to me and like I said please don't worry because I know my body so much more than ever and I know my limits. Please don't worry I've have other Tafties out there who would be more than willing to sacrifice their time (sarah....lol) to make sure that I get to where I'm going. :)
I love you all....but I need to start cleaning....ASAP. :)
xooxoxo
Kim
also thank you for those who have been reading since I've been here and traveled this FIRST journey with me. I'll continue to blog everyday while I'm at home but there will be no guarantees it will be as comical. But I'll do my best :)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Day 23: Ready.....
I'm ready for a lot of things so i thought "ready" was an appropriate title for this blog.
I'm ready, first and most obviously, to get out of here. I keep saying it over and over and I'm sorry if your a religious reader, but being in here for an ENTIRE month is too long for anyone. And when the staff you haven't see for a while says, "you're still here?" you know it has to be bad. Or if housekeeping keeps asking, "are you going home today?" because she really wants to know if she has to "deep clean" the room. So I'm READY.
I'm ready to be bored at my own home and to actually sleep in with NO interruptions at all hours of the night. I'm ready to use my shower to shower in and my clean FLUFFY towels.....hospital towels are NOT FLUFFY or big in anyway. they feel like rock and I used like 3 to dry myself off and one for the floor. I'm ready to no wear a hospital gown. I'm ready to step outside if I want to. I'm ready for my mom to cook for me (please mom?) and having the "luxury" - a lot of u all will NOT think this is a luxury at all- of just doing things for me. Yeah sometimes its fun to order people around and wait on you hand and food and have a sense of "your wish is my command" but after a month....I don't want people to help. I've always been a type to help in anyway I can and when I would encounter people who want to "do it themselves" I respect them. So just not being waited on hand and food, and constantly being asked "do you need anything" "did you go to the restroom?" "how much water have you drank?" "Have you eaten today"
I get frustrated with people because I can do everything normal and if I really need you (refill on my ice b/c I can't go near the ice machine, i have cancer) yes I will ask but if I could go do that, I would. I'm sure there are other patients in this oncology wing that need more help than me.
I'm ready to move on with more chemo. I'm bummed I'll only have a few days out but to keep on track with my best friends wedding and possibly 8th grade graduation (my baby students moving on to high school.....sigh). They're both at then end of May so I should be done with chemo and all my "after chemo" tests to determine if I'm in remission or not.
I'm ready for the next few days. I'm praying I get out tomorrow. I felt good today and I kept talking to my white blood cells (i know I'm a loser, we've established this day 1) telling them to move just 0.2 more points so we can get out of here.
So whenever I get out of here, I'll start my official "training" for my 5k in 5 (or 4) days. I've been thinking about it a lot today and yes it's going to be hard to contain myself. I want to start off as a jog and now that I feel like I truly know my body I know my limits for me NOW. I will walk if I need to and I'm going to punt or drop kick my ego as far as possible away from the route that it will be me running against myself just to finish. That's all I'm asking. I mean I've been running 5k's since I was like 7 and these things are just made for me. Me and my sister (her more than I) got excited when we heard about a 100 mile race. when I'm done I want to do a triathlon, I don't think how many "official" 5k's I've ran in my LIFE because I feel like I've been running a lot. And the amount of "unofficial" 5k's are probably in the 100's or well over. Anytime I run on the treadmill or in the mornings, 5k is an easy quick run for me.
I got it cleared (when I say cleared I mean I asked if I was up to running 5 miles in a day i could, he said yes, so i didn't technically tell him I was running a "competitive 5k" with my doctor and he said what I'm telling myself. Don't be disappointed in not getting a good time. No one does this. you'll be fine because your young, your healthy, and there is something special about you. So, when I come back on Monday to get readmitted....THEN I'll tell him. there will be less of a sting.....right? Better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission?? This is something I really want to do because this is what I love. I don't ever have family here to do as much as I want or money has always been a restriction but this is something I NEED to do for me to prove that I can overcome. That I will have enough strength on my bad days to keep going because what I have already overcome. The running will get me grounded again and actually make me think about my journey. It's amazing how much running can do to a soul....especially mine.
So please don't be upset or concerned because those are negative thoughts I don't want to hear. I want to hear positive, positive, positive things because whether you choose to be negative and try to tell me not to do it, I've made the commitment to finish. and I will. Then that's just one more thing people can talk about or you can brag to your friends about your friend, coworker, teacher, ex classmate, random girl with cancer. It makes me feel good to know that even thought this may sound crazy, and quite possibly is, I have people behind me and people who I will see at the finish line to cheer me on.....those some of the people who keep me going on my days I feel like giving up. and I love you for that. :)
Okay so I'm feeling extra loopy now. the tranquilizers are kicking in, i'm ready for yet ANOTHER good night sleep......I love you all and just pray for a discharge from here....I already went crazy and lost my hair so I need OUT. :)
I love you all....good night OH and tomorrow thru Thursday my students will be taking their state CRT exams. Add them in your prayers we want them to do GREAT on their math and reading....good luck students, I love you all and I know your are more than prepared, just don't rush it, eliminate obvious answers, and remember ANYTHING to the zero power is.....ONE!!!! :)
xoxo
Kim
I'm ready, first and most obviously, to get out of here. I keep saying it over and over and I'm sorry if your a religious reader, but being in here for an ENTIRE month is too long for anyone. And when the staff you haven't see for a while says, "you're still here?" you know it has to be bad. Or if housekeeping keeps asking, "are you going home today?" because she really wants to know if she has to "deep clean" the room. So I'm READY.
I'm ready to be bored at my own home and to actually sleep in with NO interruptions at all hours of the night. I'm ready to use my shower to shower in and my clean FLUFFY towels.....hospital towels are NOT FLUFFY or big in anyway. they feel like rock and I used like 3 to dry myself off and one for the floor. I'm ready to no wear a hospital gown. I'm ready to step outside if I want to. I'm ready for my mom to cook for me (please mom?) and having the "luxury" - a lot of u all will NOT think this is a luxury at all- of just doing things for me. Yeah sometimes its fun to order people around and wait on you hand and food and have a sense of "your wish is my command" but after a month....I don't want people to help. I've always been a type to help in anyway I can and when I would encounter people who want to "do it themselves" I respect them. So just not being waited on hand and food, and constantly being asked "do you need anything" "did you go to the restroom?" "how much water have you drank?" "Have you eaten today"
I get frustrated with people because I can do everything normal and if I really need you (refill on my ice b/c I can't go near the ice machine, i have cancer) yes I will ask but if I could go do that, I would. I'm sure there are other patients in this oncology wing that need more help than me.
I'm ready to move on with more chemo. I'm bummed I'll only have a few days out but to keep on track with my best friends wedding and possibly 8th grade graduation (my baby students moving on to high school.....sigh). They're both at then end of May so I should be done with chemo and all my "after chemo" tests to determine if I'm in remission or not.
I'm ready for the next few days. I'm praying I get out tomorrow. I felt good today and I kept talking to my white blood cells (i know I'm a loser, we've established this day 1) telling them to move just 0.2 more points so we can get out of here.
So whenever I get out of here, I'll start my official "training" for my 5k in 5 (or 4) days. I've been thinking about it a lot today and yes it's going to be hard to contain myself. I want to start off as a jog and now that I feel like I truly know my body I know my limits for me NOW. I will walk if I need to and I'm going to punt or drop kick my ego as far as possible away from the route that it will be me running against myself just to finish. That's all I'm asking. I mean I've been running 5k's since I was like 7 and these things are just made for me. Me and my sister (her more than I) got excited when we heard about a 100 mile race. when I'm done I want to do a triathlon, I don't think how many "official" 5k's I've ran in my LIFE because I feel like I've been running a lot. And the amount of "unofficial" 5k's are probably in the 100's or well over. Anytime I run on the treadmill or in the mornings, 5k is an easy quick run for me.
I got it cleared (when I say cleared I mean I asked if I was up to running 5 miles in a day i could, he said yes, so i didn't technically tell him I was running a "competitive 5k" with my doctor and he said what I'm telling myself. Don't be disappointed in not getting a good time. No one does this. you'll be fine because your young, your healthy, and there is something special about you. So, when I come back on Monday to get readmitted....THEN I'll tell him. there will be less of a sting.....right? Better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission?? This is something I really want to do because this is what I love. I don't ever have family here to do as much as I want or money has always been a restriction but this is something I NEED to do for me to prove that I can overcome. That I will have enough strength on my bad days to keep going because what I have already overcome. The running will get me grounded again and actually make me think about my journey. It's amazing how much running can do to a soul....especially mine.
So please don't be upset or concerned because those are negative thoughts I don't want to hear. I want to hear positive, positive, positive things because whether you choose to be negative and try to tell me not to do it, I've made the commitment to finish. and I will. Then that's just one more thing people can talk about or you can brag to your friends about your friend, coworker, teacher, ex classmate, random girl with cancer. It makes me feel good to know that even thought this may sound crazy, and quite possibly is, I have people behind me and people who I will see at the finish line to cheer me on.....those some of the people who keep me going on my days I feel like giving up. and I love you for that. :)
Okay so I'm feeling extra loopy now. the tranquilizers are kicking in, i'm ready for yet ANOTHER good night sleep......I love you all and just pray for a discharge from here....I already went crazy and lost my hair so I need OUT. :)
I love you all....good night OH and tomorrow thru Thursday my students will be taking their state CRT exams. Add them in your prayers we want them to do GREAT on their math and reading....good luck students, I love you all and I know your are more than prepared, just don't rush it, eliminate obvious answers, and remember ANYTHING to the zero power is.....ONE!!!! :)
xoxo
Kim
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