no pun intended on the headline but I just feel great!!! I feel like I did back in my healthy days....except I have to wear a mask and a scarf for now everywhere I go and I look like a crazy person germ-xing ALL the time....but as long as I'm out, I don't care.
Right now it's the end of a BIG day and I feel like I made the most of my time today and I'm pleased with myself.
After FINALLY packing up my room, showering, and waiting for a volunteer to wheelchair me downstairs to my mom's car we took off and came to my apartment where my cat einstein REMEMBERED me....he had a huge attitude (to be expected) but all together was happy I was home. It's going to break his little heart when I go back but hopefully I won't be in for another MONTH AGAIN. ugh, now that I think about it and just having a feeling or thought that "wow, today my focus is to live" just doesn't settle right....especially for me and my attitude or outlook on life.
When I would wake up to the early calls of the nurses, drawing my blood, handing me medications, asking if I had enough strength to use the restroom on my own.....I felt....weird. There were also depressing stages that I went through where I would be by myself an think those terrible thoughts of "it go so bad that all the doctors, nurses, and whoever wants to do everything for me because I just need to focus on being alive." it's such a scary thought but those are things that I would think about.
Now if I were to let that have sank into my brain and let it marinate any longer than it did (a whole like 3 seconds) then you would've seen a whole different side of me. But I thought to myself....well, I'm here, I'm alive, I'm thankful.....so moving on....ellen anyone?
I feel like my whole attitude on life and people are changing as I go though this and it's just so weird being "in that moment" of change. it's a good change and something not everyone goes through or even imagines going through but I'm lucky to have a good family, good friends, and just all around good people supporting me.
Anyways, enough of that sappy garbage (lol, didn't mean it like that, everyone knows I'm non emotional at times) I had a GREAT first day out. :) I fell asleep when I got home just out of habit and after I woke up refreshed I went to a wig shop and found myself a wig. She said I won't have it for 5 more days (sad face) but I can figure out how to rock a scarf for a few more days and next time I'm out, THEN i'll be in full force. :) And wigs are EXPENSIVE!!!!! I got a partial insurance pay thingy....and a 20% discount AND still paid in the three figures for it.....and it wasn't even HUMAN HAIR.....geez. Good thing I had naturally semi good looking full thick hair or else I'd be the president of broke phi broke (kanye anyone?).
Then following that I went out to eat a BJ's for an early dinner/appetizer thingy just because I could and it was just nice. I then went home to change and went over to two friends house and went to Ross to look for a sundress and I looked at scarves (found a plain black one) and bought einstein a little house thingy he can lay in (because that's usually all he does) and he loves it! :)
THEN.....
it happened.....
I started day ONE of FIVE (technically 4 because I won't actually "train" the night before) for my 5k training that will happen on SUNDAY. I expect a lot of people to cheer me on as I finish (that's my only goal, no time involved this time) the finish line. And right now....it's SOOOOOO possible. For those who are still worried, I have a been a runner my entire life. I ran my first 5k when I was like 7 and on my "let's get back into shape week" I run a 5k a day. It's something that has always been in me and will never leave....cancer or not. I LOVE RUNNING and we've been through SO much together that it makes me so happy that I am actually able to do this again. YES it's a risk because I do have leukemia but now more than ever I know my body. Before, as you all know, I pushed and pushed myself through pain because walking was just unacceptable. I didn't know that I didn't have hardly ANY blood in my body to even slow down. I thought I was invincible and just kept going because....if I stopped.....I failed. I don't want to sound depressing but as a runner, not getting a good time, walking when you know you shouldn't, or even seeing people pass you in better shape than you....it.....hurts.
So anyways, my friend Emily and I did a 34 minute jog/walk and ran a total of 2.25 miles....and on a FIRST day out of the hospital after ZERO and I literally mean ZERO physical activity, I'm quite proud of myself and what I accomplished. Even though I had about a 15 minute mile pace....I just want to finish and say "I did it."
Alright well, I need to go to sleep because once again...i have an early morning at the doctor's office and this bed is just sooooooo comfortable that it's calling my name to go to SLEEP.
tomorrow should be interesting how I physically feel after my run (SOOOORRREEEE) so I'll keep you posted.
THank you to all my amazing friends, family, and people who are just randomly following my posts for all your good thoughts and kind words of encouragement and most of all for understanding what this 5k means to me. I know a lot of you initially thought "WHAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND LADY...YOU HAVE LEUKEMIA" but just know I will be fine and all I need is a little prayer, a little good thoughts, and a good running hat and capris and I'll be FINE....maybe some new pink nikes??? lol.
More to come tomorrow. love you all...
good night. :)
Kim
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