Day 19: And just like that, it's gone.

All day I have been preparing myself for what I just went through. I cut my hair....short. I will soon buzz it all off but I wasn't quite ready for that. I went through today with three great friends and my mom and when everyone arrived we ate our food (I had soup, again) and just sat around, talked and watched American Idol. We commented on who we liked, who we didn't and who should go home. We talked about Steven Tyler's random lipstick on his cheek, the girls laughed at the way scotty holds his microphone, I boo'd Stefano, and of course we talked about school, the kids, and whatever we wanted to. I was ready to go and get this thing done. A little excited about just taking the leap and going for the short hair. The first 15 or so minutes went fine. I gave my friend instructions of "just make it short all over." I really didn't care what it would look like in the end because what I kept telling myself over and over was "it's going to fall out anyway."

Then the nurse brought in the clippers and it wasn't at all what I had imagined. I didn't really want to use them but my mom insisted that it would make the "process" go quicker. She demonstrated and just started cutting my hair like she didn't care about it. I know she meant well and meant to help but this was my hair. I tried not to get emotional but as soon as she cut my bangs too short I started crying. I wasn't at all expecting it. i didn't want to yell at her because she was just trying to help so all I could do was cry. It was short and I didn't like the carelessness I felt. And when I say carelessness I mean with my hair. I didn't think she understood just how important my hair was to me and how emotional I really was on the inside. And for her just to start hacking away like I felt she did made me upset. Everyone then stopped and let me cry and comforted me with kind words that I appreciated. As I cried i kept saying to myself "it's going to fall out anyway kim. who cares what it looks like. she didn't mean to."

So as soon as I got the strength again I told my friend to continue and she did. I cried often after that (kinda like I already broke the seal so it just kept coming) because I was like...."wow, I'm cutting my hair because I have cancer and hair is dead and it's all going to come out, then I'll be the bald person with cancer." it made me so sad but I knew it had to be done. Unfortunately I couldn't be myself and crack jokes or even laugh at something stupid I was thinking of. It was like I was just....sad and my tears were a true reflection of that. I also hate crying in front of people so that alone was hard for me and I didn't want to look at anyone.

Anyways, so as I sit here in my bed with my short hair and a scrub cap over it I feel good about my decision. I'm glad I went through with cutting my hair. The image in the mirror is a little funny to look at because it's different. I don't hate it but i also don't love it. I just want my long hair back. I want to be able to straighten it, curl it, put gel in it....just make it pretty like it used to be. but I can't. I know it'll grow back but that will take FOREVER. Until then my life will consist of wigs, scarves, and hats. three things I never wore on my head. I always thought, why would i ever cover up my hair, i like it too much. A lot of people liked it.

As you can tell i have a MILLION thoughts about my hair running through my head now and probably will for a while so I'll just keep those for myself. Alright well this has been a long emotional night and I need to get some sleep because no matter what time I go to sleep....the nurses always seem to wake me up at 5am. UGH.

good night, i love you all.

kim



p.s. thanks amy, sarah, liz and emily for tonight. i couldn't have got through this without you all. there was a reason you all visited me today. love you.