Day 16: The Hardest First Step

The nurse just came in and took my vital signs and I'm running a fever....once again. I have a gut feeling that because of my nightly fevers I won't be going home tomorrow. I know, I know I'm usually extremely positive about these things but sometimes I just need to be realistic with myself. The nurse also just said that the amount of antibiotics that they're giving me for my "infection" that I picked up isn't helping. So basically, I've been sitting here for a week getting all these antibiotics and IV stuff for nothing. great. well not for nothing but you know what I'm thinking.

Anyways, I had some good company today and overall had a good day starting from the very beginning :) I watched a few movies and just had good conversation. Compared to the past few days and the ups and downs that I had been having, I needed to have a good day. My hair is coming out at an amazing rate now and I think I'm getting close to shaving it off. I think I'll "just know" when it will be my time. But until then I'm suffering witnessing my precious hair come out in clumps if I even just touch it.

I took a shower tonight after everyone left and it was hard. probably the hardest thing I've done since I've been here. My one shower. I knew going into it, it would be sad but I didn't realize how hard it would be. After I washed my body regularly I avoided the water touching my hair because I wanted to save it for last and I figured if the water was continuously hitting it I would lose more. So before I wet my hair, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said to myself "I can do this." The instant the water hit my head I felt hair falling down my back racing against the water. And at that point a tear ran down my face just as fast as the water was going. I guess I knew I was going to cry because it came out so easily. I used just regular soap to clean my hair because I knew I couldn't go through an entire cycle of shampooing, rinsing, conditioning, and rinsing again. I got my entire head wet and stepped to the side so I could gently massage the soap into the "greasy" parts of my hair that I knew needed to be washed.

As I was massaging my hair, I wasn't really all that emotional because i was just rubbing soap into my head and then......I stepped back under the shower, but this time only the left part of my head was underneath the shower head and I just let the water run over it but I knew that I had to get up enough guts to touch my hair and actually properly rinse it. I once again closed my eyes, took a deep breath in....then slowly let it out and said "You can do this Kim." and proceeded to properly rinse the left side of my hair out. As I massaged my hands through the half of my head my hands felt "full" like I couldn't "clear" them to continue. So again, I closed my eyes and pulled my hand out of my hair and with it came a massive clump of hair. It literally looked like an extension sold in stores but only wet and in my hand. I started to cry harder. Then I closed my eyes again and said "Kim you have to do this and you can." So I started again and repeated the "process" and it seemed like more hair came out every time. So I did the same thing to the right side and each and every time I had to stop and remind myself that "yes I can do this." and i did. Eventually by the end my entire shower wall was almost covered with clumps of hair. When I looked up and noticed how much was on the wall I was shocked that hair was still on my head. Then I looked down at the floor and on my body and I had long pieces of my hair on me and all over my shower floor. I started to cry even more and sat down (they have a chair in my shower) and put my head in my hands and just cried.

it's funny because I'm not sad nor have I been sad about anything else. This is just a physical change (other than my skin, but that I can hide) that I have to go through that will actually make people stop and stare at me. and say or think, she has cancer.

This by far has been the hardest day so far but overall it was a great day. Now I'm okay. I'm finishing my crying from "reliving and retelling" that experience. So my next "big day" will be the day I actually shave my head. I think the day I can stop crying about my hair will be the day I know I'm ready to take it all off and be bald.

Okay....side note....I was typing this on my laptop in a comfortable chair in the "living" area of my penthouse suite and there were two nurses in here sterilizing needles and whatever else they were doing because I had to have another blood culture done because of my fever and the nurses saw that I was crying and I guess she was reading my computer screen and noticed that I was keeping a blog and she started talking to me about it. I said that I was and that was the reason I am crying. THEN i started to cry AGAIN in front of the two nurses and continued to try to get the words "I'm writing about my first experience in the shower" and they both started crying. So here we are as they're drawing my blood were all talking about losing hair and how precious it is and how attached they are to their patients and we were all crying wiping our eyes and passing around the tissues....lol. I'm sure if someone walked in they would've been confused what was going on. LOL.

Anyways, other than that I got two units of blood today because my hemoglobin was at a 7.6. I got platelets yesterday so those were up to a 66?? i think. but my white blood count was still at a 0.2. and all day I had a steady temperature of 98.6 so this fever came out of nowhere....geez.

Okay now that I probably have officially made people cry (if you didn't, you're brave) I'm about to take my sleepy pills and pass out. Right now I'm hooked up to antibiotics so they'll be messing with me all night as I sleep so it's gonna be a looooong night.

I love you all and thanks for all your support as I go through all of this. :)

Much Love

Kim