Day 23: Ready.....

I'm ready for a lot of things so i thought "ready" was an appropriate title for this blog.

I'm ready, first and most obviously, to get out of here. I keep saying it over and over and I'm sorry if your a religious reader, but being in here for an ENTIRE month is too long for anyone. And when the staff you haven't see for a while says, "you're still here?" you know it has to be bad. Or if housekeeping keeps asking, "are you going home today?" because she really wants to know if she has to "deep clean" the room. So I'm READY.

I'm ready to be bored at my own home and to actually sleep in with NO interruptions at all hours of the night. I'm ready to use my shower to shower in and my clean FLUFFY towels.....hospital towels are NOT FLUFFY or big in anyway. they feel like rock and I used like 3 to dry myself off and one for the floor. I'm ready to no wear a hospital gown. I'm ready to step outside if I want to. I'm ready for my mom to cook for me (please mom?) and having the "luxury" - a lot of u all will NOT think this is a luxury at all- of just doing things for me. Yeah sometimes its fun to order people around and wait on you hand and food and have a sense of "your wish is my command" but after a month....I don't want people to help. I've always been a type to help in anyway I can and when I would encounter people who want to "do it themselves" I respect them. So just not being waited on hand and food, and constantly being asked "do you need anything" "did you go to the restroom?" "how much water have you drank?" "Have you eaten today"

I get frustrated with people because I can do everything normal and if I really need you (refill on my ice b/c I can't go near the ice machine, i have cancer) yes I will ask but if I could go do that, I would. I'm sure there are other patients in this oncology wing that need more help than me.

I'm ready to move on with more chemo. I'm bummed I'll only have a few days out but to keep on track with my best friends wedding and possibly 8th grade graduation (my baby students moving on to high school.....sigh). They're both at then end of May so I should be done with chemo and all my "after chemo" tests to determine if I'm in remission or not.

I'm ready for the next few days. I'm praying I get out tomorrow. I felt good today and I kept talking to my white blood cells (i know I'm a loser, we've established this day 1) telling them to move just 0.2 more points so we can get out of here.

So whenever I get out of here, I'll start my official "training" for my 5k in 5 (or 4) days. I've been thinking about it a lot today and yes it's going to be hard to contain myself. I want to start off as a jog and now that I feel like I truly know my body I know my limits for me NOW. I will walk if I need to and I'm going to punt or drop kick my ego as far as possible away from the route that it will be me running against myself just to finish. That's all I'm asking. I mean I've been running 5k's since I was like 7 and these things are just made for me. Me and my sister (her more than I) got excited when we heard about a 100 mile race. when I'm done I want to do a triathlon, I don't think how many "official" 5k's I've ran in my LIFE because I feel like I've been running a lot. And the amount of "unofficial" 5k's are probably in the 100's or well over. Anytime I run on the treadmill or in the mornings, 5k is an easy quick run for me.

I got it cleared (when I say cleared I mean I asked if I was up to running 5 miles in a day i could, he said yes, so i didn't technically tell him I was running a "competitive 5k" with my doctor and he said what I'm telling myself. Don't be disappointed in not getting a good time. No one does this. you'll be fine because your young, your healthy, and there is something special about you. So, when I come back on Monday to get readmitted....THEN I'll tell him. there will be less of a sting.....right? Better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission?? This is something I really want to do because this is what I love. I don't ever have family here to do as much as I want or money has always been a restriction but this is something I NEED to do for me to prove that I can overcome. That I will have enough strength on my bad days to keep going because what I have already overcome. The running will get me grounded again and actually make me think about my journey. It's amazing how much running can do to a soul....especially mine.

So please don't be upset or concerned because those are negative thoughts I don't want to hear. I want to hear positive, positive, positive things because whether you choose to be negative and try to tell me not to do it, I've made the commitment to finish. and I will. Then that's just one more thing people can talk about or you can brag to your friends about your friend, coworker, teacher, ex classmate, random girl with cancer. It makes me feel good to know that even thought this may sound crazy, and quite possibly is, I have people behind me and people who I will see at the finish line to cheer me on.....those some of the people who keep me going on my days I feel like giving up. and I love you for that. :)

Okay so I'm feeling extra loopy now. the tranquilizers are kicking in, i'm ready for yet ANOTHER good night sleep......I love you all and just pray for a discharge from here....I already went crazy and lost my hair so I need OUT. :)

I love you all....good night OH and tomorrow thru Thursday my students will be taking their state CRT exams. Add them in your prayers we want them to do GREAT on their math and reading....good luck students, I love you all and I know your are more than prepared, just don't rush it, eliminate obvious answers, and remember ANYTHING to the zero power is.....ONE!!!! :)

xoxo

Kim