It's the third day FULL day that I'm out of the hospital and I'm starting to see that just being in the hospital for a month really does something to your body. Yesterday and today I have just been tired. I don't know if I wore my little kid self out on tuesday and wednesday by overloading myself with visiting people, stuff to do, or just getting over excited to drive again, but these past two days I've been in a weird mood. NO, it's not my blood level (I have enough in me).... NO, I'm not over doing it...YES, i think it's still a good thing to run my 5k on Sunday.
One weird thing that I found funny was all day yesterday when I was dragging around, I told a friend (who is also running the 5k on sunday) that i HAD to run/walk at least for a little bit....mainly because I have just been STIFF around my shoulders, neck, and upper back. But as soon as I got out and hit the pavement with her, I felt just fine. I enjoyed walking, jogging, and just being outside and last night was a great night for that. I still plan on running my 5k on sunday and finishing under 45 minutes....so wish me luck! :) I'm going to go "running clothes" shopping hopefully soon and I'm way excited because new anything makes me happy.
On top of all this weird mood thing, a lot has begun to "settle in." I don't like people looking at me and having a stare on their face that just screams "I know you have cancer, and I'm sorry." I know that sounds really weird and you probably think i'm just paranoid about my scarves on my head or just feeling self-conscious about the way I look....but I've had bad hair days and days that I'm sure I looked miserable and got funny looks but I can't describe how people look at me. Only I see it and only I can just smile with a reassuring "don't worry, i'm gonna win" smile but it's scary with people staring at me all the time. Who knows maybe after I shave off the rest of my hair (hopefully SOON) I'll soon start going bald just to see what people say/think THEN. lol. :)
I had a moment the other day where I was looking outside and I shed a tear....which is TOTALLY allowed for me to do at any given time. but I just appreciated being alive. I know that sounds extreme but just thinking and remembering my condition before I was admitted to the hospital, is really scary. I live by myself in an apartment on the third floor and there were only a select few people who knew where I lived or had been over to my place....but I just thought of WHAT IF I didn't make that hospital appointment that tuesday afternoon. WHAT IF my doctor didn't get my blood results until the next day. WHAT IF i didn't answer the "unknown" number i usually NEVER answer. WHAT IF I went to sleep and did in fact never wake up because I just didn't have enough blood in me. WHAT IF I passed out while driving a car to work or even at work......I know these are crazy questions to be asking myself and I'll probably get a lot of "BUT YOU DID or DIDN'T" comments that I find annoying....hint hint....but these are real questions I ask myself and I'm sure others think about. It's just scary knowing what i could've went through and how lucky I am that I did (finally) listen to others and actually go to a doctor.
Like I've been saying in my previous posts, I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and I stick by my "theory" that it makes my "story" THAT much cooler and impressive.....i mean come on I find it IMPRESSIVE that I have been THE LOWEST blood count patient to even walk on my own without passing out. :D
Alright I think everything as far as health wise goes I'm doing good. I've been going to my doctors office everyday and getting my cbc counts (hemoglobin, platelets, and white blood) and weight/temperature just to make sure I'm okay. And so far I haven't had any concerns and I guess since I'm still functioning properly out in the real world, I'm good. I'm going to try to enjoy the next two days as much as my body (and white blood cells) will let me. Don't worry, I'm being safe and germ-xing and sanitizing everything in sight when I can.
To my hardcore readers (a lot of people were saying that they read this thing EVERY MORNING) I'm sorry for the lack of writing, I know I've been slacking but don't worry, I'll be back to every day writing and sometimes those random 2 or 3 a day-ers....i'm just focusing on my run. LOL. :)
love you all & thanks for the continuous thoughts and prayers and just NICE things you all say to make me smile these days.
:)
xoxo
kim
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