Day 202: It's like running a marathon...I'm SO close & it hurts

i feel like i'm on the last homestretch where your so close to the finish line....but you hurt physically and are thinking....OH THIS WAS A GREAT IDEA......ugh......i feel like i'm on mile 10 of a half marathon (13.1) .....mile 21 on a full marathon (26.2).... mile 2.1  on a 5k (3.1)....the 300 meter mark on a 400 m dash....(starting the last straight away) the point where you are like...omg.....seriously....i've went so far....i'm so close to being DONE.....but i'm in pain....i guess only runners would understand but it really applies to everything.

ANYWAYS.......

So sorry to my readers but these last 7 days have been THE ROUGHEST non-infection days....it's like....oh this is what chemo treatments were suppose to feel like. haha. I'm sooo lucky that it's been smooth sailing to me until now because I can put up with this just ONE MORE TIME.....it has been just awful and today (7 days out) is the first actual day I have energy. Almost too much energy.

I think I'm still way excited about teaching intersession at school...it's technically fall break for OKCPS schools but intersession is three days long and i have extremely small classes. It's funny because all the kids know me but i don't know them....and today I woke up after a two hour sleep....YES two hours....because I sat around my apartment thinking it was Saturday and I had "all day sunday" to work on my lesson plans. then somehow (i don't remember how) it dawned on me....OMG i'm TEACHING tomorrow.....and I have nothing FUN planned. So around 10 I realized this....So i gathered computers (one for music) and one to make my actual lessons for tomorrow. So then what do I do?? Get on Facebook.....what a fail. Then one of my old first year students started talking to me and I got wrapped up in that conversation and directed my attention to being creepy on facebook and looking at others pictures or making a ridiculous status....basically NOT being productive. SO FINALLY around MINDNIGHT i decided....hmmm maybe I should get serious because this morning I had to be up at the Cancer Center BY 8 (if i wanted to get to work on time) to get my day 11 vincristine chemotherapy...no worries...it usually takes only 20 minutes if they're efficient. (more on this later....a whole story on its' own) SO I had to be up by 630 to LEAVE by 730 to compensate for the AM rush down the highway that I usually don't drive. So I started on my rules (these kids have NEVER had me as a teacher) and I have to put my foot down to create a classroom culture that they will hopefully spread via mouth that Miss Begay doens't play around when she means it. Anyways, then since its intersession what kid REALLY wants to be there?? So I did my normal actual lesson I HAVE to do.....got it out of the way and then my FUN lesson.....but with a world of math possibilities......there are too many activities for just THREE DAYS....So i settles on tower building with marshmellows and toothpicks....the kids LOOOOOVE it.....and they're so calm during the activity i'm surprised....but it's only the first day. lol. we didn't get to it because the rules too me a while to explain and i had to emphasize WHY we have to be CLEAN FREAKS....all the kids all "heard" that I had cancer but I guess actually hearing it from me and explaining i have a blood cancer and we talked a bit about what an immune system is and why mine is bad. So I put germ-x on each table and told them to use it....especially when I'm around you....and they HAVE. I'm soo proud of them. Because one kid when he came back from break said....okay miss begay I touched the door to go outside and I noticed how many people actually touched the door and how many girls I hugged....so don't come near me....I NEED GERM-x......this is why i love 8th graders.

They were just so funny and It put me at ease that they actually listened to me and understood.....and to make it all worse....since I woke up so early.....went without a wig today at school.....a little of a shock to the kids....and one kid even said....uhh miss begay....the last time you were here....you had hair. The kids were all like.....gasssspppp......and I had to explain to them that I love wigs but just like them....there are days that I like to be lazy...and you're gonna see me like this quite a bit....because I'm OKAY that I have cancer and it'll grow back......i joked around about not having to buy shampoo or conditioner or hair products for 7 months....and they thought it was funny. So I guess them actually seeing me comfortable with myself and being funny around them.....makes them more comfortable for me....and I know they'll remember or talk about "My 8th grade teacher had cancer and I remember seeing her without hair...." and almost comforting others who may just be diagnosed or something.....because they see me in my better days and they can retell stories about me....like running 5k practices....or just joking around with them....sorta long shot expectations but just maybe one day.....it'll comfort someone. I'm just rambling now.....ANYWAYS.......................................

back to my morning.....SO I went to the new cancer center....even got there around 7:45 and UNLESS i have to......i'm never going to schedule a morning appointment......there were SOO many people there....older senior citizens of course....no youngin' in sight....it's TOO early. my nurse already had a full section....or so i heard. So i got there.....I checked in....signed my name....said hi to the usual front desk workers....who know me by name, chart number, image.....everything. I guess i'm there a lot. haha. so anyways....there were like....oh you usually come in the afternoons....this is weird....are you just here for cbc labs?? my thoughts....UUUHHHH NO.......what I actually said "not today...i'm scheduled for my day 11 vincristine/"

they looked at me like I was crazy.

then panicked.

So they said....do the doctors know? Who did you make an appointment with? Luckily I've FINALLY learned to take my discharge papers with me and I showed them the date, time, voicemail for confirmation.....but yet they had NO record of me even coming. So eager to push me aside she said....okay Kim (the other front desk worker) will be here soon she may know a little more....i wasn't here on friday. So I said...oooh okay, understandable. and I was still early. So Kim came in and she was just as confused!!

..being my normal charming self to people i need to get in good with (secretaries especially, they RUN that place). She had a look like...oh yes, i SORT OF remember that but don't...so she said okay let me take care of the others really quick and i'll find out what's going on....so come 8:15.....I was STILL sitting and nothing. So I did the "math" and was like....if I don't leave now I could be LATE to work....so I walked up to the desk where the two secretaries seemed busy and efficient....I said....I have work at 9 about 15-20 minutes away. Is there a way I can come back later this afternoon to get the vincristine? They looked at each other and each said to each other....OH I THOUGHT YOU WERE WORKING ON Kim's STUFF.....OHHHH MYYYYY GOOOOSSSHHHHH.

i thought i was going to lose it. so I had been sitting for 20 minutes with nothing being done. So politely I said....well this will give you guys time to figure out the confusion. So they said okay....and asked me to come back at 3pm. So i said okay and went on my way to school. I wasn't late....i actually got stuff done and taken care of stuff before the kids arrived.

Then come around 3..... first traffic was AWFUL.....and when I got there I was late but i didn't have anything planned the rest of the day so I didn't care if I was there forever. So i was really patient anyway. SO then I checked in....they had my chart ready for me....the nurse came quick to get me....so I was like....okay, they firgured it out.....then I heard the nurses talking.....they had NO IDEA what i was there for. I could hear them talking about me.....almost like I was a crazy person who was making these things about needing chemo and that I like to come to the cancer center and cause chaos. ummm no. And not once did a nurse come and ask me....or request to look at my discharge papers....which apparently don't matter around there. IDK if they think patients have no idea what they're talking about....but this patient does. AND not once did I ever hear....well let me call downstairs (chemo/infusion is on the 3rd floor and Oncology services (my doctor and her nurse)) are on the 2nd floor.....and ask her actual doctor. I mean....to me that makes sense. rather than to rummage through paperwork that they obviously DON'T have.....finally the nurse came back and was talking to me causally and dropped a million questions regarding what they were just talking about....i felt like she was spying on me. Whereas I just wanted her to ask...okay kim, why are you here?? And they had ALLLLLLL day to figure this out.....just baffled me. SO after much talking and being talked about....it finally got ordered and it took (the actually process) about 3 minutes. CRAZY RIGHT?!

so then when I asked them about the confusion....apparently this is normal for them. and I'm not the only patient that shows up with hospital orders...so I guess... lesson learned. now that i'm done for a bit with all these crazy appointment's.

So after all this....my brother will be in town for a few hours tomorrow night....passing though on his way back to NC. so I had to tell the people to get his blood drawn set up.... because i can't afford another day like this...and he's on a time crunch as it is.....so they were sending me up all kinds of stairs to fill out paperwork and try to squeeze him him wednesday morning at 8am....i said....okay....if you don't get him in now....you'll miss your chance for another two years. we trend to do HLA tests through the military....and it's nearly impossible....well it is.....my sister got tested and somehow the results were lost in mid air via fax.....so i guess the urgency was set in and they said...okay we'll get him in. I said okay I have to be at work at 9. and he has to be on the road by 9......

so I got that as ironed out as possible without him being here to sign things....hopefully to make the transition smooth and efficient.

GEEZ what a day...but luckily after this day.....i got some TEXAS ROADHOUSE...YUM! with my friend Debbie and it's always nice to wind down with her or any friend after a long day like I've had.....

it's wonderful.

ALSO IN OTHER NEWS...................MY SISTER AND I BOOKED OUR FLIGHT TO THE US VIRGIN ISLANDS!! yes sir folks.....after 6 hours on the phone talking and catching up and brainstorming ideas.....this is gonna be my escape I dreamed about in the hospital during diagnosis.....YES! And i miss my sister and there isn't a person i'd rather go with to explore with..... :) So I'm super excited to go and GET AWAY from this crazy hectic life I've been living these past 7 months......no one deserves it or earns it or does anything to go though this.....but tough people get through and island life is going to be WONDERFUL....YAYYY!!

She'll be back hopefully sooner than later and we'll begin our trip planning to visit my brother who will be in GERMANY. it's gonna be a great year for the begay siblings....i know it....since this year has just been awful for all of us....going though this expedience apart. and living through pictures...it's hard at times but it only builds a tougher skin.

hmmmm okay well i'm going to take a sleeping pill because I can go on and on and on.....

tomorrow I'll write more about my 5k experience and just how rough it's been...........just know.....in my head...i was ready to go.....but my body just wouldn't let me.  Which is AWFUL.....but now my weight went back down (thank goodness) the water weight is gone.....and everything is getting back to normal....only go back into treatments...next week! nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo......

okay i need to take it now or else I'll over sleep. and since i'm not gonna do any work right now.....i need to get to school early. :)

YAY!!  here are some pictures.....yay for a nice camera.....:)

more tomorrow...i promise this time! :)

i was in the hospital....this last round...this is what i look like with no makeup....no eyebrows :( no eyelashes :( no TAN :( and no bronzer :(......actually i think i have some eye shadow on here......i don't remember....all i know is that you can see the water weight i'm hold onto in my face....haha

my old picc line right before it got removed....it got really infected at the insertion point and this is actually a less gross picture.....it hurt anytime anything touched it.....so cleaning the line (flushing it) everyday.....was a definte task. But they took it out after I had my fever and now i have a pretty one in my other arm......that is clean and hopefully the LAST ONE I HAVE....yayyy!!!

after they took it out....i had a huge hole in my arm...it didn't hurt.....it looked really cool...in a gross kinda way....so why not document? when am i gonna have this again?? all of the dryness looking thing was leftover from the plastic because as soon as they took it out...i snapped a picture. lol. the little scar above the "hole" is a scar leftover from another picc line i had earlier.....yeah i've had like 5 or 6....and 8 attempts.....i'm a picc line EXPERT now.

I take sooo many pills in the hospital......so i started to stash and collect what they give them to me in...and decided to recycle it after I got out....this is what i accumulated in 24 hours......so times this times 5 days.....and you can imagine my secret stash I had in my drawer....heather....you would be proud of my recycling efforts.

my new blanket made by a good friend of mines mom.....I switch between quilts, mini blankets, throws and what ever else has been given to me.....all of them are beautiful....but with hotflashes happening often.....i try to take as little as possible to the hospital....but i DO USE all of the blankets that have been given to me.....and always get compliments on them....so thanks to everyone who has donated to my collection! :) i haven't forgot about the stories i have behind them. :)

i had the ugliest shower curtain....i had to take picture.....this was taken from my bed. talk about privacy....oh well.....i've got over that. quick.

I made all my students decorate a name plate to place in front of them here are some examples....becasue i'm terrible at names....their only instructions were.....MAKE SURE THEY'RE PRETTY....I DON'T LIKE UGLY THINGS....hahaha.....i crack myself up. i LOVE THEM though. :) oh and i said to make them big enough because i can't see and glasses look weird on me so I don't want to look funny so i don't wear them. haha.....

morning "fun" activity #1......spaghetti bridges.....idk why it's soo cool for pennies to drop everywhere when the bridge breaks......but i think they liked it...notice the germ-x at the table.... :) YAY!

 observation station #2....there were 5 all together. this was the phase 1 of our afternoon building activity....they were just exploring why these shapes are weak or strong...and how they can make them stronger etc.....of course with a little math involved.

these boys were so into it....still just observing and writing notes about the their observations...

another close up at station #1. how cute are my station signs??

i'm glad my 4am details paid off...haha.

the challenge was to build a freestanding structure on their own with their knowledge of all the weak vs. strong shapes....this group built more out then up.....but they got the idea...tomorrow they're going to perfect it! and make it taller!! we ran out of time. :)

what a day...

i'm beat. 

i need rest....

can you believe it...202 days ago......we've all been a long way on this crazy different journey together......

without all of my loyal 202 day readers......idk how i would've got through this with the ease that i did.

and what's funny is that i don't know everyone who has been "following me" it's like a i learn someone new who says....OMG i keep up with your blogs.....that just makes my day.

and sorry for my ridiculous rants sometimes. haha....i will admit i read old blogs and see what i was up to.....and i was like...WOW....i'm weird. haha

okay GOOD NIGHT. love you all i'm getting tired now.'

much love.

kim :)