Today has been a hectic day but I will say I was feeling crabby and irritated earlier in the day but now I'm nothing but excited and nervous.
I started my day off a wee bit late (11am) because of course, I'm still in hospital bed mode and want to do nothing but lay on my couch or floor and sleep or just relax. But I had to get up (with a LOT of help from my mom) and get myself ready to get my blood drawn at the hospital (a daily occurrence now). We had problems because the ENTIRE hospital was shut down including where they told us to go to get my blood drawn from. But after we argued our way through it we got it and the results were called into my doctor who called me later in the day with the latest health update. (more on that later)
Anyways, so then after we got all of that stuff straightened out it was around 2:30pm and my mom and I were in a weird position because I was suppose to meet at a friends house around 4ish to go to the Memorial Marathon Run Pasta Party. So we decided to go to wal-mart and took the back ways. While I was riding shot gun in my mom's car, I decided to google "Bone Marrow Transplant" because since I MAY (85% sure if my brother or sister is an exact match) have one after this next round of chemo and I've been having people ask me exactly what they're gonna do, i decided to research it a little. So as my mom was driving I was reading aloud what exactly it is and the procedure. Well my mom isn't from Oklahoma City and is semi-familiar with streets and stuff. She has a pretty good memory but since I was blabbering about the BMT, she was probably thinking about it and she missed the wal-mart backstreet road to get to the wal-mart off of I-40. I heard her say "I missed the road!" but I kept on reading aloud. Then she found a place to turn around and she was STILL confused about where she was and turned too early. So at this point, we're driving between the Hobby Lobby and Shoe Carnival right by the Wal-mart and as I was reading, I noticed my mom stopped. I figured it was just backed up because everyone loves walmart...lol....and then my mom got OUT of the car and ran to a van that was going the opposite (west) direction we were going (east). The van was parked at one of the random stop signs that people always wonder why they are there and cars were passing it like she was waiting on something. It took me a while to figure out what was going on because my mom immediately went to the driver and started talking to her. In my head I was saying to myself....what is my mom doing....hmm I wonder if she knows that person and hasn't seen her in a long time and was way excited to see her??....is that one of our relatives?? THEN i finally heard my mom saying "are you okay?? Can you breathe okay?? Has this happened before??"
So now I was WAYYYY confused and FINALLY realized (me and my slow self) OMG, this lady is having some sort of panic/anxiety/heart attack. I heard nothing but the lady moaning in pain as she grabbed her chest. I then thought to myself....maybe I should call 911....but then a little girl appeared in my sight and said that it has happened before so then I was like....maybe she has medication or an inhaler and the little girl knows a "routine" for her mom. So finally we got a "go ahead" from the mom (lady who was in pain) to call the ambulance. SO now, people are not only piled up behind us but we are blocking the ENTIRE way to walmart and people were getting angry. SO I shouted to my mom, "I'll call the ambulance" as I ran around the car and gave the INDEX (not middle, lol) "wait a second guy behind me getting angry about to honk at me" finger and drove the car around the parking lot while on the phone with 911. It was a weird call because I was really calm and the guy on the other end sounded panicked. weird right?? So I stayed on the line and gave very specific instructions to him and then he asked me to describe the "situation." So then I was like...uhhhh....i just did?? But he eventually wanted descriptions of the car, the lady, the kid, her bday, her weight, EVERYTHING. I kept saying, I don't know her we just stopped by because we knew she was struggling. THEN he kept asking a MILLION more questions about where I was. He was like....remain calm and on the phone with me....I was thinking....ummm I am calm and why would I hang up??? But I described in DETAIL (i was proud of myself) where we were and soon enough the fire truck arrived and then then guy on the phone was like....okay bye. LOL. it was weird. So by now people are staring at us, I pulled up behind the van and was checking out the action and they pulled the lady out of the van and as soon as the ambulance came they took her in and her other daughter had just went into work at walmart and had to tell her boss what was going on. So my mother and I stayed with the little girl until they were good to go.....
So basically, my mother and I saved her life and this just adds to my theory/life saying....Everything happens for a reason. Because (here I go again) WHAT IF we decided not to go to wal-mart (we BOTH weren't in the mood to go at all) and WHAT IF my mom didn't miss the road? What would've happened to this lady?? Especially since everyone was kinda honking and moving around her. My mom and I were just there at the right place at the right time and it felt good to help.
We ended up not even going to wal-mart because it was already 3:30 so we just turned around and went home. crazy right??
We talked about it the entire way home and I was going on and on about how it was meant for us to be there for that reason....like I'm still trying to figure out how I won the "lottery" and was randomly chosen to be given leukemia and fight the good fight the rest of my life.
ANYWAYS, i went home, changed, and went to my friends house and retold my mom and I's story. The whole drive there I sat in silence and just thought about what just happened. I guess all this chemo and cancer stuff has really gotten me to think about life and my meaning of being here. I thought about the lady, her family, and her daughters. How scared they must be and the phone call (the older daughter used my phone to call someone) I might get later because she couldn't get a hold of whoever it was she was calling. Then I thought to myself, what if I am the one who has to explain what happened....a complete stranger to whoever was on the phone....What if I was that person in the car and no one stopped to help me. life is funny sometimes and throws curveballs all the time to maybe re-evaluate yourself and put your life into perspective. Maybe I needed this day to look at my life and see where I am at....who knows, one day...i'll figure it out. :)
THen we went to the pasta party and it was nice. I ate a lot of food (surprisingly) and met some nice people and enjoyed the company of my fellow co-workers and some students. :) As I sat there eating in the HOT sun (as I wore jeans and a long sleeve and a BLACK scarf on my head) I couldn't help but think of the lady again and just took some time to "stop and smell the flowers," I took one of my mental "snapshots" and stored it in my hospital file I have going on in my head.....a collection of select memories that I choose to remember in DETAIL (look, smell, feel.... everything) for those days in the hospital where I'm stuck in my room.
I also started getting nervous about the 5k. It's always been about what time I'll get but this time...it is different. I'm running for the pure joy of running (even though around mile 1.4 I'll be KICKING myself and thinking....WHY AM I DOING THIS??!) and for my life. That sounds like dramatic and weird to say because I'm not in any way dying...i think. but I'm running because I can. I'm celebrating being healthy enough to function properly in the real world with a blood cancer. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm lucky enough to be alive with this cancer they caught by "accident." I'm running for those who are stuck in the hospital during this who can't run. cheesy....yes. but it will probably be THE most meaningful thing I have done in my entire life. YES i'm sure MY time will upset me (that's the competitor in me) but I have one goal and one goal only....to finish. Time is a number that right now....is irrelevant to anything that I'm currently struggling with (my self image, my health, and my emotional well being). This sounds bizarre and you're probably thinking to yourself.....this girl is weird and i don't understand a word she has typed....but once again, believe me, it makes sense in my head. :)
So tomorrow I will be joining fellow co-workers and beloved students of Taft run a very meaningful 5k run. The run starts around 6:40 and I'm hoping to be DONE by 7:40....well i NEED to be done with my run by then because i still have to get blood drawn by 9:30.
SPEAKING of which....i forgot to say.....during the pasta party my doctor called me and immediately when I heard, this is Dr. Reynolds trying to get a hold of Kimberly Begay.....my heart sank.
A BILLION thoughts shot thru my head mainly concerned with me not being able to run tomorrow because i had low counts or he was going to admit me asap because I needed something. But luckily I'm only low on platelets so as you pray for me tonight (if you read this before 7am) or send good healthy vibes my way during the run...just sneak in there....please don't fall too. I have a TERRIBLE HISTORY of falling outside while running on pavement.....so i PRAY myself that I don't fall because my poor blood won't be able to clot on it's own. :( that would be bad....but THAT WON'T HAPPEN. :)
alright, well I now have 5 hours of sleep to do to rest up for tomorrow's early rise and run. and my ipod is now ready to go. I have created the ULTRA 5k mix. I have a bit of starting off songs....slow but steady.....a couple of good "UPHILL TIME" songs.....and of course a "LAST MILE...PICK IT UP KIM" songs that should get me through it. :)
I will finish. I will TRY not to walk. Time doesn't matter. I'm doing this for me. I can do this.
i love you all, will blog tomorrow morning after the run with the possibility of pictures... :)
good night.
love,
kim
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Day 28: What a day.
I'm tired. it's about 11:23pm and I just got back from the Taft Teacher Softball games. I think they lost both (LOL, what a fan I am) but that's okay. I was just so happy to see everyone and function in "normal" society for a while before I go back. I definitely took a minute or two to take a "snapshot" of everything....the wind blowing, the people screaming, the kids crying, and the just being in the company of others. I guess it's an even trade for me....missing the social life for saving my life. But it's just depressing being in the hospital (especially since I may not have the penthouse suite) and not being able to do anything. I'm usually a busy body person trying to help out in anyway I can with anyone. I generally don't like being alone (unless I need my "ME" time) and I usually found myself always thinking about work (school) 24/7. I love what I do and I just miss being around my students, my soccer boys, and my co-workers. Of course, they come to me in the hospital but it's just not the same. I feel like I'm on "display" and everything is about me....it sounds weird "saying" it out loud but just know that I'm making complete sense. LOL. :)
Well 5k is on sunday.....I only ran/walk twice. I might get out tomorrow after my daily medical visit and do a mile or two....I need to run the entire thing to see if it's even possible for me to run the whole thing but, I'm a wee bit too late so I'm just going to be a trooper and completely wing it. I figured since I'll be going to the hospital anyway on Monday and I'll have access to all the recovery "drugs" I'll be needing, why not push it to the limit?? lol. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the cold weather. The rain I can handle (mainly because I only hated running in the rain b/c my hair would get wet and heavy and annoy me, but now that I don't have hair, i don't have that obstacle to worry about) but the cold air going down the throat and to my lungs may kinda hurt. Usually after runs I have a terrible cough for a few days because I run with my mouth open (and always have). I'm afraid with the chemo going and my doctor being concerned. SO i'll be at the start line with a mask on and possible a back up in my pocket to hopefully take away the sting I usually feel.
So if anyone wants to watch me FINISH a 5k.....gun start time is 6:40am so I'll be finishing up around...7:20am?? but I'd be there at 7am juuuuuuust in case I decide to go ALL out and completely out do myself. LOL. OH and don't worry....if you sleep in I plan on running with my camera and taking pictures as I run (my sister usually does that during half marathons) to help literally, capture the moments so I can add it to my "journey" album I'm creating. :) YAY!
I'm excited to run because secretly i love running and that's all i know to do during "hard times." I've been being extra cautious and anal about being sanitary so let's hope my blood counts are UP tomorrow so I won't be admitted. ANYWAYS, it's now 11:43 and I'm done heating my back (it's STILL sore from day 1 of my run/walk series) and I'm tired.
Love you all and thanks for being so supportive as I take on this crazy 5k.....cold turkey.
I'm blessed to even be able to do it. And I will one day look back at this and shake my head and say "why kim. you're crazy"................but that's what makes it more oh-so-exciting.
Goodnight.
Kim
Well 5k is on sunday.....I only ran/walk twice. I might get out tomorrow after my daily medical visit and do a mile or two....I need to run the entire thing to see if it's even possible for me to run the whole thing but, I'm a wee bit too late so I'm just going to be a trooper and completely wing it. I figured since I'll be going to the hospital anyway on Monday and I'll have access to all the recovery "drugs" I'll be needing, why not push it to the limit?? lol. The only thing I'm really concerned about is the cold weather. The rain I can handle (mainly because I only hated running in the rain b/c my hair would get wet and heavy and annoy me, but now that I don't have hair, i don't have that obstacle to worry about) but the cold air going down the throat and to my lungs may kinda hurt. Usually after runs I have a terrible cough for a few days because I run with my mouth open (and always have). I'm afraid with the chemo going and my doctor being concerned. SO i'll be at the start line with a mask on and possible a back up in my pocket to hopefully take away the sting I usually feel.
So if anyone wants to watch me FINISH a 5k.....gun start time is 6:40am so I'll be finishing up around...7:20am?? but I'd be there at 7am juuuuuuust in case I decide to go ALL out and completely out do myself. LOL. OH and don't worry....if you sleep in I plan on running with my camera and taking pictures as I run (my sister usually does that during half marathons) to help literally, capture the moments so I can add it to my "journey" album I'm creating. :) YAY!
I'm excited to run because secretly i love running and that's all i know to do during "hard times." I've been being extra cautious and anal about being sanitary so let's hope my blood counts are UP tomorrow so I won't be admitted. ANYWAYS, it's now 11:43 and I'm done heating my back (it's STILL sore from day 1 of my run/walk series) and I'm tired.
Love you all and thanks for being so supportive as I take on this crazy 5k.....cold turkey.
I'm blessed to even be able to do it. And I will one day look back at this and shake my head and say "why kim. you're crazy"................but that's what makes it more oh-so-exciting.
Goodnight.
Kim
Day 28: Days "off"
It's the third day FULL day that I'm out of the hospital and I'm starting to see that just being in the hospital for a month really does something to your body. Yesterday and today I have just been tired. I don't know if I wore my little kid self out on tuesday and wednesday by overloading myself with visiting people, stuff to do, or just getting over excited to drive again, but these past two days I've been in a weird mood. NO, it's not my blood level (I have enough in me).... NO, I'm not over doing it...YES, i think it's still a good thing to run my 5k on Sunday.
One weird thing that I found funny was all day yesterday when I was dragging around, I told a friend (who is also running the 5k on sunday) that i HAD to run/walk at least for a little bit....mainly because I have just been STIFF around my shoulders, neck, and upper back. But as soon as I got out and hit the pavement with her, I felt just fine. I enjoyed walking, jogging, and just being outside and last night was a great night for that. I still plan on running my 5k on sunday and finishing under 45 minutes....so wish me luck! :) I'm going to go "running clothes" shopping hopefully soon and I'm way excited because new anything makes me happy.
On top of all this weird mood thing, a lot has begun to "settle in." I don't like people looking at me and having a stare on their face that just screams "I know you have cancer, and I'm sorry." I know that sounds really weird and you probably think i'm just paranoid about my scarves on my head or just feeling self-conscious about the way I look....but I've had bad hair days and days that I'm sure I looked miserable and got funny looks but I can't describe how people look at me. Only I see it and only I can just smile with a reassuring "don't worry, i'm gonna win" smile but it's scary with people staring at me all the time. Who knows maybe after I shave off the rest of my hair (hopefully SOON) I'll soon start going bald just to see what people say/think THEN. lol. :)
I had a moment the other day where I was looking outside and I shed a tear....which is TOTALLY allowed for me to do at any given time. but I just appreciated being alive. I know that sounds extreme but just thinking and remembering my condition before I was admitted to the hospital, is really scary. I live by myself in an apartment on the third floor and there were only a select few people who knew where I lived or had been over to my place....but I just thought of WHAT IF I didn't make that hospital appointment that tuesday afternoon. WHAT IF my doctor didn't get my blood results until the next day. WHAT IF i didn't answer the "unknown" number i usually NEVER answer. WHAT IF I went to sleep and did in fact never wake up because I just didn't have enough blood in me. WHAT IF I passed out while driving a car to work or even at work......I know these are crazy questions to be asking myself and I'll probably get a lot of "BUT YOU DID or DIDN'T" comments that I find annoying....hint hint....but these are real questions I ask myself and I'm sure others think about. It's just scary knowing what i could've went through and how lucky I am that I did (finally) listen to others and actually go to a doctor.
Like I've been saying in my previous posts, I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and I stick by my "theory" that it makes my "story" THAT much cooler and impressive.....i mean come on I find it IMPRESSIVE that I have been THE LOWEST blood count patient to even walk on my own without passing out. :D
Alright I think everything as far as health wise goes I'm doing good. I've been going to my doctors office everyday and getting my cbc counts (hemoglobin, platelets, and white blood) and weight/temperature just to make sure I'm okay. And so far I haven't had any concerns and I guess since I'm still functioning properly out in the real world, I'm good. I'm going to try to enjoy the next two days as much as my body (and white blood cells) will let me. Don't worry, I'm being safe and germ-xing and sanitizing everything in sight when I can.
To my hardcore readers (a lot of people were saying that they read this thing EVERY MORNING) I'm sorry for the lack of writing, I know I've been slacking but don't worry, I'll be back to every day writing and sometimes those random 2 or 3 a day-ers....i'm just focusing on my run. LOL. :)
love you all & thanks for the continuous thoughts and prayers and just NICE things you all say to make me smile these days.
:)
xoxo
kim
One weird thing that I found funny was all day yesterday when I was dragging around, I told a friend (who is also running the 5k on sunday) that i HAD to run/walk at least for a little bit....mainly because I have just been STIFF around my shoulders, neck, and upper back. But as soon as I got out and hit the pavement with her, I felt just fine. I enjoyed walking, jogging, and just being outside and last night was a great night for that. I still plan on running my 5k on sunday and finishing under 45 minutes....so wish me luck! :) I'm going to go "running clothes" shopping hopefully soon and I'm way excited because new anything makes me happy.
On top of all this weird mood thing, a lot has begun to "settle in." I don't like people looking at me and having a stare on their face that just screams "I know you have cancer, and I'm sorry." I know that sounds really weird and you probably think i'm just paranoid about my scarves on my head or just feeling self-conscious about the way I look....but I've had bad hair days and days that I'm sure I looked miserable and got funny looks but I can't describe how people look at me. Only I see it and only I can just smile with a reassuring "don't worry, i'm gonna win" smile but it's scary with people staring at me all the time. Who knows maybe after I shave off the rest of my hair (hopefully SOON) I'll soon start going bald just to see what people say/think THEN. lol. :)
I had a moment the other day where I was looking outside and I shed a tear....which is TOTALLY allowed for me to do at any given time. but I just appreciated being alive. I know that sounds extreme but just thinking and remembering my condition before I was admitted to the hospital, is really scary. I live by myself in an apartment on the third floor and there were only a select few people who knew where I lived or had been over to my place....but I just thought of WHAT IF I didn't make that hospital appointment that tuesday afternoon. WHAT IF my doctor didn't get my blood results until the next day. WHAT IF i didn't answer the "unknown" number i usually NEVER answer. WHAT IF I went to sleep and did in fact never wake up because I just didn't have enough blood in me. WHAT IF I passed out while driving a car to work or even at work......I know these are crazy questions to be asking myself and I'll probably get a lot of "BUT YOU DID or DIDN'T" comments that I find annoying....hint hint....but these are real questions I ask myself and I'm sure others think about. It's just scary knowing what i could've went through and how lucky I am that I did (finally) listen to others and actually go to a doctor.
Like I've been saying in my previous posts, I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and I stick by my "theory" that it makes my "story" THAT much cooler and impressive.....i mean come on I find it IMPRESSIVE that I have been THE LOWEST blood count patient to even walk on my own without passing out. :D
Alright I think everything as far as health wise goes I'm doing good. I've been going to my doctors office everyday and getting my cbc counts (hemoglobin, platelets, and white blood) and weight/temperature just to make sure I'm okay. And so far I haven't had any concerns and I guess since I'm still functioning properly out in the real world, I'm good. I'm going to try to enjoy the next two days as much as my body (and white blood cells) will let me. Don't worry, I'm being safe and germ-xing and sanitizing everything in sight when I can.
To my hardcore readers (a lot of people were saying that they read this thing EVERY MORNING) I'm sorry for the lack of writing, I know I've been slacking but don't worry, I'll be back to every day writing and sometimes those random 2 or 3 a day-ers....i'm just focusing on my run. LOL. :)
love you all & thanks for the continuous thoughts and prayers and just NICE things you all say to make me smile these days.
:)
xoxo
kim
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Day 25: Oh So Thirsty.....
So first FULL day home and what did I do?? SLEEP. lol. I guess I just got used to all my hospital "cat" naps and after actually getting ready (sweats, t-shirt, jacket, scarf) and going to the doctors appointment to get my blood drawn, I was just TIRED. not a fatigue tired like i have no blood in me....because I do have blood in me this time! Just ready to go to sleep.
At the doctors office this lady knew I had cancer, I mean at this point, it's quite obvious I have it but she was staring at me. She was an older lady and was like.....don't feel bad about your condition, you're very young, don't let it defeat you blah, blah, blah. It was just awkward in general and I didn't know how to take it. SO for future references if you see a patient with a scarf and a MASK on....DON'T start encouraging them because it's just depressing. Anyways, after we got done with the doc office (MY WHITE BLOOD COUNT IS AT A 1!) we were on our way home and ALL DAY i've just been THIRSTY....but I can't quench it. Water doesn't do anything, tea doesn't do anything, NOTHING....it's like a dry mouth thing but i've never had it and nothing works to make it stop. BOO.
Anyways, as soon as I got home I went to sleep and just woke up....I have a dinner with some college soccer friends tonight that I'm resting up for that and my next run.....I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the day goes. I go back in monday so I'm trying to be cautious enjoy as much as I can. But for now, I have to go get TIRES for my car....UUUGGGHHHHH. lol
much love,
kim
At the doctors office this lady knew I had cancer, I mean at this point, it's quite obvious I have it but she was staring at me. She was an older lady and was like.....don't feel bad about your condition, you're very young, don't let it defeat you blah, blah, blah. It was just awkward in general and I didn't know how to take it. SO for future references if you see a patient with a scarf and a MASK on....DON'T start encouraging them because it's just depressing. Anyways, after we got done with the doc office (MY WHITE BLOOD COUNT IS AT A 1!) we were on our way home and ALL DAY i've just been THIRSTY....but I can't quench it. Water doesn't do anything, tea doesn't do anything, NOTHING....it's like a dry mouth thing but i've never had it and nothing works to make it stop. BOO.
Anyways, as soon as I got home I went to sleep and just woke up....I have a dinner with some college soccer friends tonight that I'm resting up for that and my next run.....I'll keep you all posted on how the rest of the day goes. I go back in monday so I'm trying to be cautious enjoy as much as I can. But for now, I have to go get TIRES for my car....UUUGGGHHHHH. lol
much love,
kim
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Day 24: I'm Alive Again! :)
no pun intended on the headline but I just feel great!!! I feel like I did back in my healthy days....except I have to wear a mask and a scarf for now everywhere I go and I look like a crazy person germ-xing ALL the time....but as long as I'm out, I don't care.
Right now it's the end of a BIG day and I feel like I made the most of my time today and I'm pleased with myself.
After FINALLY packing up my room, showering, and waiting for a volunteer to wheelchair me downstairs to my mom's car we took off and came to my apartment where my cat einstein REMEMBERED me....he had a huge attitude (to be expected) but all together was happy I was home. It's going to break his little heart when I go back but hopefully I won't be in for another MONTH AGAIN. ugh, now that I think about it and just having a feeling or thought that "wow, today my focus is to live" just doesn't settle right....especially for me and my attitude or outlook on life.
When I would wake up to the early calls of the nurses, drawing my blood, handing me medications, asking if I had enough strength to use the restroom on my own.....I felt....weird. There were also depressing stages that I went through where I would be by myself an think those terrible thoughts of "it go so bad that all the doctors, nurses, and whoever wants to do everything for me because I just need to focus on being alive." it's such a scary thought but those are things that I would think about.
Now if I were to let that have sank into my brain and let it marinate any longer than it did (a whole like 3 seconds) then you would've seen a whole different side of me. But I thought to myself....well, I'm here, I'm alive, I'm thankful.....so moving on....ellen anyone?
I feel like my whole attitude on life and people are changing as I go though this and it's just so weird being "in that moment" of change. it's a good change and something not everyone goes through or even imagines going through but I'm lucky to have a good family, good friends, and just all around good people supporting me.
Anyways, enough of that sappy garbage (lol, didn't mean it like that, everyone knows I'm non emotional at times) I had a GREAT first day out. :) I fell asleep when I got home just out of habit and after I woke up refreshed I went to a wig shop and found myself a wig. She said I won't have it for 5 more days (sad face) but I can figure out how to rock a scarf for a few more days and next time I'm out, THEN i'll be in full force. :) And wigs are EXPENSIVE!!!!! I got a partial insurance pay thingy....and a 20% discount AND still paid in the three figures for it.....and it wasn't even HUMAN HAIR.....geez. Good thing I had naturally semi good looking full thick hair or else I'd be the president of broke phi broke (kanye anyone?).
Then following that I went out to eat a BJ's for an early dinner/appetizer thingy just because I could and it was just nice. I then went home to change and went over to two friends house and went to Ross to look for a sundress and I looked at scarves (found a plain black one) and bought einstein a little house thingy he can lay in (because that's usually all he does) and he loves it! :)
THEN.....
it happened.....
I started day ONE of FIVE (technically 4 because I won't actually "train" the night before) for my 5k training that will happen on SUNDAY. I expect a lot of people to cheer me on as I finish (that's my only goal, no time involved this time) the finish line. And right now....it's SOOOOOO possible. For those who are still worried, I have a been a runner my entire life. I ran my first 5k when I was like 7 and on my "let's get back into shape week" I run a 5k a day. It's something that has always been in me and will never leave....cancer or not. I LOVE RUNNING and we've been through SO much together that it makes me so happy that I am actually able to do this again. YES it's a risk because I do have leukemia but now more than ever I know my body. Before, as you all know, I pushed and pushed myself through pain because walking was just unacceptable. I didn't know that I didn't have hardly ANY blood in my body to even slow down. I thought I was invincible and just kept going because....if I stopped.....I failed. I don't want to sound depressing but as a runner, not getting a good time, walking when you know you shouldn't, or even seeing people pass you in better shape than you....it.....hurts.
So anyways, my friend Emily and I did a 34 minute jog/walk and ran a total of 2.25 miles....and on a FIRST day out of the hospital after ZERO and I literally mean ZERO physical activity, I'm quite proud of myself and what I accomplished. Even though I had about a 15 minute mile pace....I just want to finish and say "I did it."
Alright well, I need to go to sleep because once again...i have an early morning at the doctor's office and this bed is just sooooooo comfortable that it's calling my name to go to SLEEP.
tomorrow should be interesting how I physically feel after my run (SOOOORRREEEE) so I'll keep you posted.
THank you to all my amazing friends, family, and people who are just randomly following my posts for all your good thoughts and kind words of encouragement and most of all for understanding what this 5k means to me. I know a lot of you initially thought "WHAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND LADY...YOU HAVE LEUKEMIA" but just know I will be fine and all I need is a little prayer, a little good thoughts, and a good running hat and capris and I'll be FINE....maybe some new pink nikes??? lol.
More to come tomorrow. love you all...
good night. :)
Kim
Right now it's the end of a BIG day and I feel like I made the most of my time today and I'm pleased with myself.
After FINALLY packing up my room, showering, and waiting for a volunteer to wheelchair me downstairs to my mom's car we took off and came to my apartment where my cat einstein REMEMBERED me....he had a huge attitude (to be expected) but all together was happy I was home. It's going to break his little heart when I go back but hopefully I won't be in for another MONTH AGAIN. ugh, now that I think about it and just having a feeling or thought that "wow, today my focus is to live" just doesn't settle right....especially for me and my attitude or outlook on life.
When I would wake up to the early calls of the nurses, drawing my blood, handing me medications, asking if I had enough strength to use the restroom on my own.....I felt....weird. There were also depressing stages that I went through where I would be by myself an think those terrible thoughts of "it go so bad that all the doctors, nurses, and whoever wants to do everything for me because I just need to focus on being alive." it's such a scary thought but those are things that I would think about.
Now if I were to let that have sank into my brain and let it marinate any longer than it did (a whole like 3 seconds) then you would've seen a whole different side of me. But I thought to myself....well, I'm here, I'm alive, I'm thankful.....so moving on....ellen anyone?
I feel like my whole attitude on life and people are changing as I go though this and it's just so weird being "in that moment" of change. it's a good change and something not everyone goes through or even imagines going through but I'm lucky to have a good family, good friends, and just all around good people supporting me.
Anyways, enough of that sappy garbage (lol, didn't mean it like that, everyone knows I'm non emotional at times) I had a GREAT first day out. :) I fell asleep when I got home just out of habit and after I woke up refreshed I went to a wig shop and found myself a wig. She said I won't have it for 5 more days (sad face) but I can figure out how to rock a scarf for a few more days and next time I'm out, THEN i'll be in full force. :) And wigs are EXPENSIVE!!!!! I got a partial insurance pay thingy....and a 20% discount AND still paid in the three figures for it.....and it wasn't even HUMAN HAIR.....geez. Good thing I had naturally semi good looking full thick hair or else I'd be the president of broke phi broke (kanye anyone?).
Then following that I went out to eat a BJ's for an early dinner/appetizer thingy just because I could and it was just nice. I then went home to change and went over to two friends house and went to Ross to look for a sundress and I looked at scarves (found a plain black one) and bought einstein a little house thingy he can lay in (because that's usually all he does) and he loves it! :)
THEN.....
it happened.....
I started day ONE of FIVE (technically 4 because I won't actually "train" the night before) for my 5k training that will happen on SUNDAY. I expect a lot of people to cheer me on as I finish (that's my only goal, no time involved this time) the finish line. And right now....it's SOOOOOO possible. For those who are still worried, I have a been a runner my entire life. I ran my first 5k when I was like 7 and on my "let's get back into shape week" I run a 5k a day. It's something that has always been in me and will never leave....cancer or not. I LOVE RUNNING and we've been through SO much together that it makes me so happy that I am actually able to do this again. YES it's a risk because I do have leukemia but now more than ever I know my body. Before, as you all know, I pushed and pushed myself through pain because walking was just unacceptable. I didn't know that I didn't have hardly ANY blood in my body to even slow down. I thought I was invincible and just kept going because....if I stopped.....I failed. I don't want to sound depressing but as a runner, not getting a good time, walking when you know you shouldn't, or even seeing people pass you in better shape than you....it.....hurts.
So anyways, my friend Emily and I did a 34 minute jog/walk and ran a total of 2.25 miles....and on a FIRST day out of the hospital after ZERO and I literally mean ZERO physical activity, I'm quite proud of myself and what I accomplished. Even though I had about a 15 minute mile pace....I just want to finish and say "I did it."
Alright well, I need to go to sleep because once again...i have an early morning at the doctor's office and this bed is just sooooooo comfortable that it's calling my name to go to SLEEP.
tomorrow should be interesting how I physically feel after my run (SOOOORRREEEE) so I'll keep you posted.
THank you to all my amazing friends, family, and people who are just randomly following my posts for all your good thoughts and kind words of encouragement and most of all for understanding what this 5k means to me. I know a lot of you initially thought "WHAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND LADY...YOU HAVE LEUKEMIA" but just know I will be fine and all I need is a little prayer, a little good thoughts, and a good running hat and capris and I'll be FINE....maybe some new pink nikes??? lol.
More to come tomorrow. love you all...
good night. :)
Kim
Day 24: One Month CAN literally Feel Like One Million Years
I didn't know how to break this....i struggled between facebook or blog....facebook or blog.....facebook or BLOG.....FACEBOOK or BLOG....and that literally how it went it my head (like in the movies when they actually have an important life changing decision to make....lol.
Well around these hospital parts, I have to create my own and blow things out of proportion because when your sitting around here.....why not? it's way to boring not too, especially when no one is looking. It keeps you sane.
ANYways, no real "clear update" on my HCB (counts)....My Oncologist is kind of like a tornado sometimes and just talks, talks, talks, says "any questions?" leaves a 1 second gap....and walks out. But other days he's here to chat so I can usually tell when he's busy or not.
Anyways, sorry about my rant last night about my 5k cold turkey run. I guess I understand a lot of concerns but believe me I know my body more than ever (especially if i was running around here with a 3.8 hemoglobin) and signs that I will be "familiar" with if I need something. I won't be "scared" or "embarrassed" to stop like I usually am when I ran the many 5k's, 8k's, 10k's, half marathons, or full marathons. I understand I'm in a WHOLE different ballpark.....but if you know me, telling me I can't do something just fuels a natural drive I (or any equally or as competitive) person that I am. I will finish. I will try my best. I will listen to my body. I will walk if I think need to. I know my family will be proud and these will be one of those inspiring moments I will live on to tell my children, my team I'll coach as a pep talk, and OF COURSE...my family to "ONE UP" them because we often get into those types of arguments and by me saying...."so (as I tug my pants up) "I once ran a 5k (insert my brother laughing hysterically here....after he stops) without running for 2 1/2 month (brother: please I run them everyday) AND without doing any type of physical activity beside remote flipping, computer typing and walking to and from a shower/counch/restroom. (he'll chuckle) then....(here's the kickline) I got out of the hospital on a Tuesday, and trained by walking more, a light jog here or two, and completed a 5k on a Sunday morning............with cancer, a blood cancer at that."
oh that punch line is oh so sweet!! :)
So if you read that entire story and KNOW my family, you'll understand the sweet smell of victory to just put everyone in their place and ever since I can imagine I've always competed through tae-kwon-do forms and fightings, casual running on any given day of the week with my sister that always turned into competition, the treadmill race I got into with everyone and ANYONE on the treadmill and me thinking (HA!! I've been on the treadmill longer than you!) I often had hour long runs just to prove a point, the gross eating food contest I always never entered but watch my brother win victorious, the "who can keep their arms straight out in front of them the longest" in the long car rides we were bored (I always lost), and of course the traditional stuff, soccer games, track meets, bball games, x-country meets, cheerleading, and softball games....so just all these funny things just kinda make me want my brother or sister to run this with me but it's also symbolic that I have a MILLION supporters watching my journey and cheering me on but I can only do it myself and feel good for myself for actually doing it.
ON to the good news that I'm sure that MOST of you all figured out....I'm getting DISCHARGED TODAY!!! :) I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE.................................for a week, then I'll be back for another round of Chemo but I thought this day would NEVER come. I'm glad it's here and I'm ready.
Today's agenda is gathering all my stuff and moving it down to the car, go wig shopping (b/c my insurance is awesome and covers up to $150 in wigs caused by medical stuff....there is actually a technical term but i don't remember or want to get up to look at it....but I'm running a 5k on sunday, LOL) then I'll probably go to forever 21 or somewhere to buy a few scarves and jewelry I can wear when I come back. stocking caps and all the unnecessary things but I still need.
whew. i have a full day ahead of me but I'm hungry.....great, this is NOT good.
Anyways, thanks for reading and thanks for having or at least trying to have a good attitude for my 5k. Just know it means a lot to me and like I said please don't worry because I know my body so much more than ever and I know my limits. Please don't worry I've have other Tafties out there who would be more than willing to sacrifice their time (sarah....lol) to make sure that I get to where I'm going. :)
I love you all....but I need to start cleaning....ASAP. :)
xooxoxo
Kim
also thank you for those who have been reading since I've been here and traveled this FIRST journey with me. I'll continue to blog everyday while I'm at home but there will be no guarantees it will be as comical. But I'll do my best :)
Well around these hospital parts, I have to create my own and blow things out of proportion because when your sitting around here.....why not? it's way to boring not too, especially when no one is looking. It keeps you sane.
ANYways, no real "clear update" on my HCB (counts)....My Oncologist is kind of like a tornado sometimes and just talks, talks, talks, says "any questions?" leaves a 1 second gap....and walks out. But other days he's here to chat so I can usually tell when he's busy or not.
Anyways, sorry about my rant last night about my 5k cold turkey run. I guess I understand a lot of concerns but believe me I know my body more than ever (especially if i was running around here with a 3.8 hemoglobin) and signs that I will be "familiar" with if I need something. I won't be "scared" or "embarrassed" to stop like I usually am when I ran the many 5k's, 8k's, 10k's, half marathons, or full marathons. I understand I'm in a WHOLE different ballpark.....but if you know me, telling me I can't do something just fuels a natural drive I (or any equally or as competitive) person that I am. I will finish. I will try my best. I will listen to my body. I will walk if I think need to. I know my family will be proud and these will be one of those inspiring moments I will live on to tell my children, my team I'll coach as a pep talk, and OF COURSE...my family to "ONE UP" them because we often get into those types of arguments and by me saying...."so (as I tug my pants up) "I once ran a 5k (insert my brother laughing hysterically here....after he stops) without running for 2 1/2 month (brother: please I run them everyday) AND without doing any type of physical activity beside remote flipping, computer typing and walking to and from a shower/counch/restroom. (he'll chuckle) then....(here's the kickline) I got out of the hospital on a Tuesday, and trained by walking more, a light jog here or two, and completed a 5k on a Sunday morning............with cancer, a blood cancer at that."
oh that punch line is oh so sweet!! :)
So if you read that entire story and KNOW my family, you'll understand the sweet smell of victory to just put everyone in their place and ever since I can imagine I've always competed through tae-kwon-do forms and fightings, casual running on any given day of the week with my sister that always turned into competition, the treadmill race I got into with everyone and ANYONE on the treadmill and me thinking (HA!! I've been on the treadmill longer than you!) I often had hour long runs just to prove a point, the gross eating food contest I always never entered but watch my brother win victorious, the "who can keep their arms straight out in front of them the longest" in the long car rides we were bored (I always lost), and of course the traditional stuff, soccer games, track meets, bball games, x-country meets, cheerleading, and softball games....so just all these funny things just kinda make me want my brother or sister to run this with me but it's also symbolic that I have a MILLION supporters watching my journey and cheering me on but I can only do it myself and feel good for myself for actually doing it.
ON to the good news that I'm sure that MOST of you all figured out....I'm getting DISCHARGED TODAY!!! :) I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE.................................for a week, then I'll be back for another round of Chemo but I thought this day would NEVER come. I'm glad it's here and I'm ready.
Today's agenda is gathering all my stuff and moving it down to the car, go wig shopping (b/c my insurance is awesome and covers up to $150 in wigs caused by medical stuff....there is actually a technical term but i don't remember or want to get up to look at it....but I'm running a 5k on sunday, LOL) then I'll probably go to forever 21 or somewhere to buy a few scarves and jewelry I can wear when I come back. stocking caps and all the unnecessary things but I still need.
whew. i have a full day ahead of me but I'm hungry.....great, this is NOT good.
Anyways, thanks for reading and thanks for having or at least trying to have a good attitude for my 5k. Just know it means a lot to me and like I said please don't worry because I know my body so much more than ever and I know my limits. Please don't worry I've have other Tafties out there who would be more than willing to sacrifice their time (sarah....lol) to make sure that I get to where I'm going. :)
I love you all....but I need to start cleaning....ASAP. :)
xooxoxo
Kim
also thank you for those who have been reading since I've been here and traveled this FIRST journey with me. I'll continue to blog everyday while I'm at home but there will be no guarantees it will be as comical. But I'll do my best :)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Day 23: Ready.....
I'm ready for a lot of things so i thought "ready" was an appropriate title for this blog.
I'm ready, first and most obviously, to get out of here. I keep saying it over and over and I'm sorry if your a religious reader, but being in here for an ENTIRE month is too long for anyone. And when the staff you haven't see for a while says, "you're still here?" you know it has to be bad. Or if housekeeping keeps asking, "are you going home today?" because she really wants to know if she has to "deep clean" the room. So I'm READY.
I'm ready to be bored at my own home and to actually sleep in with NO interruptions at all hours of the night. I'm ready to use my shower to shower in and my clean FLUFFY towels.....hospital towels are NOT FLUFFY or big in anyway. they feel like rock and I used like 3 to dry myself off and one for the floor. I'm ready to no wear a hospital gown. I'm ready to step outside if I want to. I'm ready for my mom to cook for me (please mom?) and having the "luxury" - a lot of u all will NOT think this is a luxury at all- of just doing things for me. Yeah sometimes its fun to order people around and wait on you hand and food and have a sense of "your wish is my command" but after a month....I don't want people to help. I've always been a type to help in anyway I can and when I would encounter people who want to "do it themselves" I respect them. So just not being waited on hand and food, and constantly being asked "do you need anything" "did you go to the restroom?" "how much water have you drank?" "Have you eaten today"
I get frustrated with people because I can do everything normal and if I really need you (refill on my ice b/c I can't go near the ice machine, i have cancer) yes I will ask but if I could go do that, I would. I'm sure there are other patients in this oncology wing that need more help than me.
I'm ready to move on with more chemo. I'm bummed I'll only have a few days out but to keep on track with my best friends wedding and possibly 8th grade graduation (my baby students moving on to high school.....sigh). They're both at then end of May so I should be done with chemo and all my "after chemo" tests to determine if I'm in remission or not.
I'm ready for the next few days. I'm praying I get out tomorrow. I felt good today and I kept talking to my white blood cells (i know I'm a loser, we've established this day 1) telling them to move just 0.2 more points so we can get out of here.
So whenever I get out of here, I'll start my official "training" for my 5k in 5 (or 4) days. I've been thinking about it a lot today and yes it's going to be hard to contain myself. I want to start off as a jog and now that I feel like I truly know my body I know my limits for me NOW. I will walk if I need to and I'm going to punt or drop kick my ego as far as possible away from the route that it will be me running against myself just to finish. That's all I'm asking. I mean I've been running 5k's since I was like 7 and these things are just made for me. Me and my sister (her more than I) got excited when we heard about a 100 mile race. when I'm done I want to do a triathlon, I don't think how many "official" 5k's I've ran in my LIFE because I feel like I've been running a lot. And the amount of "unofficial" 5k's are probably in the 100's or well over. Anytime I run on the treadmill or in the mornings, 5k is an easy quick run for me.
I got it cleared (when I say cleared I mean I asked if I was up to running 5 miles in a day i could, he said yes, so i didn't technically tell him I was running a "competitive 5k" with my doctor and he said what I'm telling myself. Don't be disappointed in not getting a good time. No one does this. you'll be fine because your young, your healthy, and there is something special about you. So, when I come back on Monday to get readmitted....THEN I'll tell him. there will be less of a sting.....right? Better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission?? This is something I really want to do because this is what I love. I don't ever have family here to do as much as I want or money has always been a restriction but this is something I NEED to do for me to prove that I can overcome. That I will have enough strength on my bad days to keep going because what I have already overcome. The running will get me grounded again and actually make me think about my journey. It's amazing how much running can do to a soul....especially mine.
So please don't be upset or concerned because those are negative thoughts I don't want to hear. I want to hear positive, positive, positive things because whether you choose to be negative and try to tell me not to do it, I've made the commitment to finish. and I will. Then that's just one more thing people can talk about or you can brag to your friends about your friend, coworker, teacher, ex classmate, random girl with cancer. It makes me feel good to know that even thought this may sound crazy, and quite possibly is, I have people behind me and people who I will see at the finish line to cheer me on.....those some of the people who keep me going on my days I feel like giving up. and I love you for that. :)
Okay so I'm feeling extra loopy now. the tranquilizers are kicking in, i'm ready for yet ANOTHER good night sleep......I love you all and just pray for a discharge from here....I already went crazy and lost my hair so I need OUT. :)
I love you all....good night OH and tomorrow thru Thursday my students will be taking their state CRT exams. Add them in your prayers we want them to do GREAT on their math and reading....good luck students, I love you all and I know your are more than prepared, just don't rush it, eliminate obvious answers, and remember ANYTHING to the zero power is.....ONE!!!! :)
xoxo
Kim
I'm ready, first and most obviously, to get out of here. I keep saying it over and over and I'm sorry if your a religious reader, but being in here for an ENTIRE month is too long for anyone. And when the staff you haven't see for a while says, "you're still here?" you know it has to be bad. Or if housekeeping keeps asking, "are you going home today?" because she really wants to know if she has to "deep clean" the room. So I'm READY.
I'm ready to be bored at my own home and to actually sleep in with NO interruptions at all hours of the night. I'm ready to use my shower to shower in and my clean FLUFFY towels.....hospital towels are NOT FLUFFY or big in anyway. they feel like rock and I used like 3 to dry myself off and one for the floor. I'm ready to no wear a hospital gown. I'm ready to step outside if I want to. I'm ready for my mom to cook for me (please mom?) and having the "luxury" - a lot of u all will NOT think this is a luxury at all- of just doing things for me. Yeah sometimes its fun to order people around and wait on you hand and food and have a sense of "your wish is my command" but after a month....I don't want people to help. I've always been a type to help in anyway I can and when I would encounter people who want to "do it themselves" I respect them. So just not being waited on hand and food, and constantly being asked "do you need anything" "did you go to the restroom?" "how much water have you drank?" "Have you eaten today"
I get frustrated with people because I can do everything normal and if I really need you (refill on my ice b/c I can't go near the ice machine, i have cancer) yes I will ask but if I could go do that, I would. I'm sure there are other patients in this oncology wing that need more help than me.
I'm ready to move on with more chemo. I'm bummed I'll only have a few days out but to keep on track with my best friends wedding and possibly 8th grade graduation (my baby students moving on to high school.....sigh). They're both at then end of May so I should be done with chemo and all my "after chemo" tests to determine if I'm in remission or not.
I'm ready for the next few days. I'm praying I get out tomorrow. I felt good today and I kept talking to my white blood cells (i know I'm a loser, we've established this day 1) telling them to move just 0.2 more points so we can get out of here.
So whenever I get out of here, I'll start my official "training" for my 5k in 5 (or 4) days. I've been thinking about it a lot today and yes it's going to be hard to contain myself. I want to start off as a jog and now that I feel like I truly know my body I know my limits for me NOW. I will walk if I need to and I'm going to punt or drop kick my ego as far as possible away from the route that it will be me running against myself just to finish. That's all I'm asking. I mean I've been running 5k's since I was like 7 and these things are just made for me. Me and my sister (her more than I) got excited when we heard about a 100 mile race. when I'm done I want to do a triathlon, I don't think how many "official" 5k's I've ran in my LIFE because I feel like I've been running a lot. And the amount of "unofficial" 5k's are probably in the 100's or well over. Anytime I run on the treadmill or in the mornings, 5k is an easy quick run for me.
I got it cleared (when I say cleared I mean I asked if I was up to running 5 miles in a day i could, he said yes, so i didn't technically tell him I was running a "competitive 5k" with my doctor and he said what I'm telling myself. Don't be disappointed in not getting a good time. No one does this. you'll be fine because your young, your healthy, and there is something special about you. So, when I come back on Monday to get readmitted....THEN I'll tell him. there will be less of a sting.....right? Better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission?? This is something I really want to do because this is what I love. I don't ever have family here to do as much as I want or money has always been a restriction but this is something I NEED to do for me to prove that I can overcome. That I will have enough strength on my bad days to keep going because what I have already overcome. The running will get me grounded again and actually make me think about my journey. It's amazing how much running can do to a soul....especially mine.
So please don't be upset or concerned because those are negative thoughts I don't want to hear. I want to hear positive, positive, positive things because whether you choose to be negative and try to tell me not to do it, I've made the commitment to finish. and I will. Then that's just one more thing people can talk about or you can brag to your friends about your friend, coworker, teacher, ex classmate, random girl with cancer. It makes me feel good to know that even thought this may sound crazy, and quite possibly is, I have people behind me and people who I will see at the finish line to cheer me on.....those some of the people who keep me going on my days I feel like giving up. and I love you for that. :)
Okay so I'm feeling extra loopy now. the tranquilizers are kicking in, i'm ready for yet ANOTHER good night sleep......I love you all and just pray for a discharge from here....I already went crazy and lost my hair so I need OUT. :)
I love you all....good night OH and tomorrow thru Thursday my students will be taking their state CRT exams. Add them in your prayers we want them to do GREAT on their math and reading....good luck students, I love you all and I know your are more than prepared, just don't rush it, eliminate obvious answers, and remember ANYTHING to the zero power is.....ONE!!!! :)
xoxo
Kim
Day 23: Maybe.....just maybe.
FABULOUS NEWS TODAY.................I showered!!! lol
Okay that wasn't a total lie, i did shower but I have even better news!
My white blood counts jumped up AGAIN and now they're at a 0.8! Just 0.2 more to go and I can go HOME. My doctor said most likely tomorrow will be the day and I've just been so excited.
I also am getting pumped about my 5k. I'm ready to interact with people and just get out and have a purpose for me being out of the hospital.
Most likely the doctor said I'll start my chemo again on Monday so having the run on Sunday morning is perfect "conclusion" to my mini vacation from the hospital. :)
Now I just need to organize a spaghetti dinner for those of us "running/walking" on Saturday night and maybe do a carpool downtown so I'm not alone. lol. :)
Alright, I'm tired from my shower (just think in 6 days i'll complete a 5k with cancer and I'm tired from showering...LOL)
so I"m going to nap while no one is bothering me. :)
I love you all, if more good news comes soon I'll be sure to update.
adios.
Kim
Okay that wasn't a total lie, i did shower but I have even better news!
My white blood counts jumped up AGAIN and now they're at a 0.8! Just 0.2 more to go and I can go HOME. My doctor said most likely tomorrow will be the day and I've just been so excited.
I also am getting pumped about my 5k. I'm ready to interact with people and just get out and have a purpose for me being out of the hospital.
Most likely the doctor said I'll start my chemo again on Monday so having the run on Sunday morning is perfect "conclusion" to my mini vacation from the hospital. :)
Now I just need to organize a spaghetti dinner for those of us "running/walking" on Saturday night and maybe do a carpool downtown so I'm not alone. lol. :)
Alright, I'm tired from my shower (just think in 6 days i'll complete a 5k with cancer and I'm tired from showering...LOL)
so I"m going to nap while no one is bothering me. :)
I love you all, if more good news comes soon I'll be sure to update.
adios.
Kim
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Day 22: Happy Easter Peeps!
I got absolutely no sleep last night. I was up....bored. and uncomfortable. i'm just ready to get out of the hospital bed and back into my own. it's been a month since I've been here and it gets depressing. I'm so glad I had a good time last night with my favorite co-workers. :)
Alright so I definitely registered for the 5k...that happens in ONE WEEK. I just made it official and since it was $45...that alone is a big enough incentive to do it. I've always had running to help me through some hard times in my life...and I think this by FAR takes the cake for one of the hardest things I'll probably ever go through. So why not do what I do best to get better....chug some OJ, sleep a little, and go for a good RUN. I'm for sure going all out on this one but I'm kind of excited. My goal is to run it in 45 minutes....my fastest time I ran a 5k out of shape was 21:23. So considering I've been laying in bed for the past month, 45 minutes is a good goal. LOL. :) I'm sure people think i'm crazy for this but this makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to....in a week. LOL.
Today all my counts are up. My hemoglobin is at a 10.8, platelets are in the 50's, and my white blood count is at a 0.6!! So it jumped 2 "points" in one day. :)
Now I just have to get rid of this nasty rash and I'll be back to normal....except my hair. I'm balding in the places where my headbands rub so a buzz cut is in store soon. before I go home for sure. I don't want my hair all over my apartment and it's going to happen anyway, i need to get it done.
Today my stomach is hurting. I think it's because I've only been living on soup and cereal and yesterday for lunch my mom went and got my BBQ. I didn't finish it at all (or even came close). And for dinner I ate Olive Garden and I finished 89% of my food and today I'm paying for it. I guess just eating solid food made my stomach turn.....it's so weird. I've already drank 96 ounces of water and a can of sprite too so apparently I'm thirsty. lol, but that's a GOOD thing I'm getting my fluids in me because the last thing I want to do is be dehydrated for my race ;)
I still can't believe myself. geez. a 5k with cancer. blood cancer at that. LOL, now someone really has to write a book about me or a movie. this is epic. haha!
Alright well i'm ready to watch TV just wanted to give u all a quick update. I love you all, Happy Easter, enjoy this time with your family and/or friends.
much love,
Kim
Alright so I definitely registered for the 5k...that happens in ONE WEEK. I just made it official and since it was $45...that alone is a big enough incentive to do it. I've always had running to help me through some hard times in my life...and I think this by FAR takes the cake for one of the hardest things I'll probably ever go through. So why not do what I do best to get better....chug some OJ, sleep a little, and go for a good RUN. I'm for sure going all out on this one but I'm kind of excited. My goal is to run it in 45 minutes....my fastest time I ran a 5k out of shape was 21:23. So considering I've been laying in bed for the past month, 45 minutes is a good goal. LOL. :) I'm sure people think i'm crazy for this but this makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to....in a week. LOL.
Today all my counts are up. My hemoglobin is at a 10.8, platelets are in the 50's, and my white blood count is at a 0.6!! So it jumped 2 "points" in one day. :)
Now I just have to get rid of this nasty rash and I'll be back to normal....except my hair. I'm balding in the places where my headbands rub so a buzz cut is in store soon. before I go home for sure. I don't want my hair all over my apartment and it's going to happen anyway, i need to get it done.
Today my stomach is hurting. I think it's because I've only been living on soup and cereal and yesterday for lunch my mom went and got my BBQ. I didn't finish it at all (or even came close). And for dinner I ate Olive Garden and I finished 89% of my food and today I'm paying for it. I guess just eating solid food made my stomach turn.....it's so weird. I've already drank 96 ounces of water and a can of sprite too so apparently I'm thirsty. lol, but that's a GOOD thing I'm getting my fluids in me because the last thing I want to do is be dehydrated for my race ;)
I still can't believe myself. geez. a 5k with cancer. blood cancer at that. LOL, now someone really has to write a book about me or a movie. this is epic. haha!
Alright well i'm ready to watch TV just wanted to give u all a quick update. I love you all, Happy Easter, enjoy this time with your family and/or friends.
much love,
Kim
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Day 21: And I'm Like....Forget You and Forget Her Too...
Okay I'm slacking today. Just one post is unacceptable.
Health update:
I feel great right now. I got SOLID food down today....TWICE. my stomach kinda hurts from eating so much today but I enjoyed every minute of it. :)
My hemoglobin was at a 7.8....so it went DOWN from an 8.1. :( I got two units of blood today but I like the days I get blood because I feel GREAT afterwards.....kinda like superwoman. I cleaned because i was expecting company for the night since my dinner was cancelled due to me not being released. :(
My platelets were really high today because I got pumped full of them yesterday before my spinal tap.
And my white cells are on strike against me with signs and everything. I'm still at a 0.4. Same as yesterday. UGGGHHHHHH.....i'm never getting out of here.
If I get out before the memorial 5k....I'm running it....cold and out of shape by 3 months. I'll be happy to finish. But I'm going to do it because the doc said "no exercise restrictions" muhahahahahaha!
\
I'm still shedding like crazy and now I have a big bald spot on my head from my headbands Ive been wearing. I'm envisioning a wig in my future along with a buzz cuz VERY VERY soon. sigh. it's bound to happen right?
I took a shower today and noticed two things.....1. my hair is coming out Like CRAZY. I'm so glad i cut it because i think every time I would've showered I would've cried like a baby about my long hair....good call kim.....and 2. my skin is worse than yesterday. my rash is spreading and it's just disgusting. I can't look at it without just be disgusted. I'm kinda glad I'm stuck in the hospital so no one can see me. this needs to get cleared up ASAP. i'm itchy all the time and I just want to cry. but i don't, i try to get my mind off of it.
Anyways, tonight I had a great night my favorite tafties (coworkers, Taft is where we work at) organized a dinner and came over to eat with me. I was suppose to have a "going out" dinner with them because i thought i'd be out so since they all scheduled to eat with me, but i couldn't go, they brought the par-tay to me. It made me feel better and feel good about things. We laughed and talked about everything imaginable and it was just nice. even though i was still in the hospital being surrounded by that many people was just a nice change and i'm so glad it was them I was with. :)
Alright that's it for now. Nothing new in temperatures, weight, or blood pressure to comment about. Although i think i gained about 8 pounds in the food i ate today so tomorrow's weigh in should be interesting....lol, i feel like i'm on the biggest loser. haha.
I love you all, i'm tired....for once minus the sleeping pills....so good night. :)
Happy Easter!! I'm wearing my bunny socks tonight to wake up "in the spirit"
xoxo
kim
Health update:
I feel great right now. I got SOLID food down today....TWICE. my stomach kinda hurts from eating so much today but I enjoyed every minute of it. :)
My hemoglobin was at a 7.8....so it went DOWN from an 8.1. :( I got two units of blood today but I like the days I get blood because I feel GREAT afterwards.....kinda like superwoman. I cleaned because i was expecting company for the night since my dinner was cancelled due to me not being released. :(
My platelets were really high today because I got pumped full of them yesterday before my spinal tap.
And my white cells are on strike against me with signs and everything. I'm still at a 0.4. Same as yesterday. UGGGHHHHHH.....i'm never getting out of here.
If I get out before the memorial 5k....I'm running it....cold and out of shape by 3 months. I'll be happy to finish. But I'm going to do it because the doc said "no exercise restrictions" muhahahahahaha!
\
I'm still shedding like crazy and now I have a big bald spot on my head from my headbands Ive been wearing. I'm envisioning a wig in my future along with a buzz cuz VERY VERY soon. sigh. it's bound to happen right?
I took a shower today and noticed two things.....1. my hair is coming out Like CRAZY. I'm so glad i cut it because i think every time I would've showered I would've cried like a baby about my long hair....good call kim.....and 2. my skin is worse than yesterday. my rash is spreading and it's just disgusting. I can't look at it without just be disgusted. I'm kinda glad I'm stuck in the hospital so no one can see me. this needs to get cleared up ASAP. i'm itchy all the time and I just want to cry. but i don't, i try to get my mind off of it.
Anyways, tonight I had a great night my favorite tafties (coworkers, Taft is where we work at) organized a dinner and came over to eat with me. I was suppose to have a "going out" dinner with them because i thought i'd be out so since they all scheduled to eat with me, but i couldn't go, they brought the par-tay to me. It made me feel better and feel good about things. We laughed and talked about everything imaginable and it was just nice. even though i was still in the hospital being surrounded by that many people was just a nice change and i'm so glad it was them I was with. :)
Alright that's it for now. Nothing new in temperatures, weight, or blood pressure to comment about. Although i think i gained about 8 pounds in the food i ate today so tomorrow's weigh in should be interesting....lol, i feel like i'm on the biggest loser. haha.
I love you all, i'm tired....for once minus the sleeping pills....so good night. :)
Happy Easter!! I'm wearing my bunny socks tonight to wake up "in the spirit"
xoxo
kim
Day 21: Too Much Sleep Makes You Crazy
Where to start.....today has been crazy. When you wake up and the first thing you say to your mom is "I'm sleeping all day today" you know it's going to be a bad/off day. So first off, I got a terrible nurse. She was weird (like hardly any social skills at all) and she was messy and clumsy with everything she did. For instance, when she was drawing my blood for yet another blood culture (i was pretty much asleep looking the other way) and when I had to get up to go to the restroom there were blood spots on my sheets where my arms were and there were torn open packages of alcohol pads on my blanket and on the floor. Like she used them and put them down and didn't even clean up. It was like this all day and at one point I moved my arm as she was flushing my PICC line I put my arm in alcohol pads that were just laying around and there was a full saline thingy on the other side of my bed just laying around like it rolled off of me and she couldn't find it. Then EVERY SINGLE time I went to use the restroom she was like 2 feet from me watching me in case I "fall" and even as I went to the restroom she stood right beside me and it was soooooo awkward.
oh and since you all were worried ALL DAY.....i did NOT have to use a bed pan to use the restroom.
hahahahahahaha!! :)
Also my nurse kept dropping the scanner they use to scan my bracelet thingy into the computer and all the medications I take, that she BROKE it. LOL. she was a mess. and it felt like she was in my room ALLLLLLLL DDDDDAAAAAAYYYYYYYY LLLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGG. imagine how I would've felt if I was actually awake the whole day. GEEZ.
So this morning the doc came in and basically said the same thing about my counts. My white blood count stayed at a 0.4.... :( noooooo!!!! but hemoglobin went up to an 8.4 on its own! and my platelets were at a 50. He also said that I was running a little fever last night so more antibiotics and he just wanted to monitor that more. so basically I'm paying for an apartment for my cat to live there by himself....talk about the most spoiled cat in the world!! But it's okay he deserves he. I miss him a lot though. :( I will probably be here for a while. it's a feeling i'm getting. great.
So with the fever came another blood culture to see what kind of bacteria I have or if it's still the same one from the very first time. Then just as I was ready to go back to sleep around 9am-ish transportation people came to take me away to x-ray so I could get a chest x-ray to check for inflammation and whatever they look for.
Once I came back I was ready to go back to sleep then they wanted a urine sample so they were pushing for that but all I wanted to do was sleep so i ignored them and put my blanket over my head then they gave me my platelets to prep me for my spinal tap probably just to bother me to get me back....THEN just as I was on the verge of sleeping I hear a knock on the door (by now it's around 2 pm) and of course it's transportation AGAIN they were ready to take me down for my spinal tap.
I got to Radiology and it was sooo cold in the room I asked for as many blankets as they could give me. I was shivering and everything. They gave me quite a bit of pre-heated blankets....i should've just asked if I could sit in the oven thingy for a bit that warms the blankets. LOL. but i didn't. The procedure was done by a P.A (physician's assistant). I laid on my stomach with my lower back exposed and they were talking to me about what was going to happen and they said....okay Kim, you'll feel a pinch and then a burn. I said okay. He said "okay here is the pinch.....(yup felt like they were drawing blood w/ a needle)....okay now the burn....(OMG, the WORST PAIN BY FAR. It hurt so bad that I grabbed my pillow i had my head on and screamed into it as hard as possible). .....so you must not have a high pail tolerance level?"
I replied with a "well I think I do or at least I try to hide my actual emotion, i've never reacted like that..." So anyways i guess for a spinal tap they numb different levels in my back so each time they stuck the needle a little deeper and did the same thing. I didn't have a reaction the other times it was just the initial "burn" that kicked me in the rear end. it was crazy. They injected the chemo into me and advised me to not raise my head above a 30 degree angle for a few hours to avoid a headache and to lay on my back....so naturally when I got back i immediately crawled into bed and went to sleep. lol. I got back around 3 or 330 and fell asleep for a good 4 hours and woke up around 7 only because nutrition called me bugging me to order food reminding me I hadn't eaten all day. awesome. so i got a bowl of soup and oranges to tickle them a bit.
A teacher came by to visit and check up on me and she brought me a gift a student made and letters they wrote to keep me busy writing back to them. I am soooo impressed with the gift I got from my student. She made me a fake bouquet of flowers out of origami type paper and folding techniques. It's SOOOOOO creative and beautiful. I'm going to keep it FOREVER, it's that beautiful!
this is the front view....so talented!
this is just another angle to show all the pretty colors.... :)
I also got another visitor who got me some pretty jewelry and headbands to wear that will hopefully go with my short hair (i think it will) and also some SOCKS....YAY!! to add to my sock collection!!! :) and also the cutest little tote bag. She knows me too well and has been awesome thru this journey.
Ummm oh yeah one more thing that happened today (it just keeps on coming, today by FAR has been the most interesting/exhausting/odd/hardest day EVER.)
Well one of my antibiotics gave me the little rash i was talking about last night and today it got ONE MILLION TIMES WORSE. I got to a point that I was so ITCHY I wanted to jump up and start jumping around dancing doing the itchy dance that they do in the movies. And of course, the more I itched it the worse it got and the more I thought about it the worse it got. I couldn't sleep because I was itchy. I started to tear up because it was so painful to itch my legs, stomach, and chest over and over and it was just awful. FINALLY my nurse (the ONE thing she did great today) called my doctor and he ordered a hydrocortisone injection that they gave me right away that helped after about 30 minutes but those 30 minutes were BRUTAL. my skin was irritated and red. My mom kept re-wetting washcloths with cold water to help soothe my skin and was putting in on me and I was just so uncomfortable and every way I turned there was hair all over my pillows and it bothered me...my blankets were tangled up....it bothered me...I didn't have ice in my water so it wasn't cold...it bothered me...my feet were getting hot...it bothered me...i had limited movement because I had a blood pressure cuff on me, an oxygen figer thing on my other hand and I was connected to my "husband" (the IV thingy). it was just a bad situation. So bad that I wanted to take an ice bath....and ice baths are like the worse thing EVER!!! lol
finally they got me some hydrocortisone cream for more relief and now it's under control. I'm taking benadryl and hopefully the redness and bumps go away soon. it's just ugly and I hate my skin looking this way. :(
Alright so with all that excitement for the day, I'll write more tomorrow. thanks for reading. You all know I love you. I've had a tough day today but I feel better now that I have my pandora going and I get my sleeping pills soon and tranquilizer injection (lol thats what I call it because as soon as I get it like 2 minutes later I'm knocked out). Oh and i don't remember if i said this before but I got a stronger sleepy pill and it seems to help but still when you sleep all day when you feel terrible at night your just not ready to go to sleep but you know you have to because every morning is an early morning.
So good night people. Have a good night, be safe and an even better day tomorrow!! :)
xoxo
smiles.
Kim. :)
i covered up my pillow pet so he doesn't get his hair all over the place either. it also help keeps him warm. :)
this is the "typical" amount of hair I lose (without a scrub hat on) when I take about an hour or so nap.....crazy right?? and on top of that it's all over my gown too and probably my floor where I have to shake myself off and hair goes flying EVERYWHERE (think of an annoying dog who runs inside the house and immediately shakes himself off thinking he's doing you a favor....yeah....sorry house keeping. lol)
and the much anticipated picture of the hair.....it's thinning out in the front (you can see my scalp now) but I have this headband that i wear (you can kinda see it) that helps cover it up a bit.......i hate short hair but yeah I know....i look good. LOL. just kidding.....but really, don't i kinda somewhat in a little mike myers kinda way pull it off?? LOL. love you guys!
oh and since you all were worried ALL DAY.....i did NOT have to use a bed pan to use the restroom.
hahahahahahaha!! :)
Also my nurse kept dropping the scanner they use to scan my bracelet thingy into the computer and all the medications I take, that she BROKE it. LOL. she was a mess. and it felt like she was in my room ALLLLLLLL DDDDDAAAAAAYYYYYYYY LLLLLOOOOONNNNNGGGGG. imagine how I would've felt if I was actually awake the whole day. GEEZ.
So this morning the doc came in and basically said the same thing about my counts. My white blood count stayed at a 0.4.... :( noooooo!!!! but hemoglobin went up to an 8.4 on its own! and my platelets were at a 50. He also said that I was running a little fever last night so more antibiotics and he just wanted to monitor that more. so basically I'm paying for an apartment for my cat to live there by himself....talk about the most spoiled cat in the world!! But it's okay he deserves he. I miss him a lot though. :( I will probably be here for a while. it's a feeling i'm getting. great.
So with the fever came another blood culture to see what kind of bacteria I have or if it's still the same one from the very first time. Then just as I was ready to go back to sleep around 9am-ish transportation people came to take me away to x-ray so I could get a chest x-ray to check for inflammation and whatever they look for.
Once I came back I was ready to go back to sleep then they wanted a urine sample so they were pushing for that but all I wanted to do was sleep so i ignored them and put my blanket over my head then they gave me my platelets to prep me for my spinal tap probably just to bother me to get me back....THEN just as I was on the verge of sleeping I hear a knock on the door (by now it's around 2 pm) and of course it's transportation AGAIN they were ready to take me down for my spinal tap.
I got to Radiology and it was sooo cold in the room I asked for as many blankets as they could give me. I was shivering and everything. They gave me quite a bit of pre-heated blankets....i should've just asked if I could sit in the oven thingy for a bit that warms the blankets. LOL. but i didn't. The procedure was done by a P.A (physician's assistant). I laid on my stomach with my lower back exposed and they were talking to me about what was going to happen and they said....okay Kim, you'll feel a pinch and then a burn. I said okay. He said "okay here is the pinch.....(yup felt like they were drawing blood w/ a needle)....okay now the burn....(OMG, the WORST PAIN BY FAR. It hurt so bad that I grabbed my pillow i had my head on and screamed into it as hard as possible). .....so you must not have a high pail tolerance level?"
I replied with a "well I think I do or at least I try to hide my actual emotion, i've never reacted like that..." So anyways i guess for a spinal tap they numb different levels in my back so each time they stuck the needle a little deeper and did the same thing. I didn't have a reaction the other times it was just the initial "burn" that kicked me in the rear end. it was crazy. They injected the chemo into me and advised me to not raise my head above a 30 degree angle for a few hours to avoid a headache and to lay on my back....so naturally when I got back i immediately crawled into bed and went to sleep. lol. I got back around 3 or 330 and fell asleep for a good 4 hours and woke up around 7 only because nutrition called me bugging me to order food reminding me I hadn't eaten all day. awesome. so i got a bowl of soup and oranges to tickle them a bit.
A teacher came by to visit and check up on me and she brought me a gift a student made and letters they wrote to keep me busy writing back to them. I am soooo impressed with the gift I got from my student. She made me a fake bouquet of flowers out of origami type paper and folding techniques. It's SOOOOOO creative and beautiful. I'm going to keep it FOREVER, it's that beautiful!
this is the front view....so talented!
this is just another angle to show all the pretty colors.... :)
I also got another visitor who got me some pretty jewelry and headbands to wear that will hopefully go with my short hair (i think it will) and also some SOCKS....YAY!! to add to my sock collection!!! :) and also the cutest little tote bag. She knows me too well and has been awesome thru this journey.
Ummm oh yeah one more thing that happened today (it just keeps on coming, today by FAR has been the most interesting/exhausting/odd/hardest day EVER.)
Well one of my antibiotics gave me the little rash i was talking about last night and today it got ONE MILLION TIMES WORSE. I got to a point that I was so ITCHY I wanted to jump up and start jumping around dancing doing the itchy dance that they do in the movies. And of course, the more I itched it the worse it got and the more I thought about it the worse it got. I couldn't sleep because I was itchy. I started to tear up because it was so painful to itch my legs, stomach, and chest over and over and it was just awful. FINALLY my nurse (the ONE thing she did great today) called my doctor and he ordered a hydrocortisone injection that they gave me right away that helped after about 30 minutes but those 30 minutes were BRUTAL. my skin was irritated and red. My mom kept re-wetting washcloths with cold water to help soothe my skin and was putting in on me and I was just so uncomfortable and every way I turned there was hair all over my pillows and it bothered me...my blankets were tangled up....it bothered me...I didn't have ice in my water so it wasn't cold...it bothered me...my feet were getting hot...it bothered me...i had limited movement because I had a blood pressure cuff on me, an oxygen figer thing on my other hand and I was connected to my "husband" (the IV thingy). it was just a bad situation. So bad that I wanted to take an ice bath....and ice baths are like the worse thing EVER!!! lol
finally they got me some hydrocortisone cream for more relief and now it's under control. I'm taking benadryl and hopefully the redness and bumps go away soon. it's just ugly and I hate my skin looking this way. :(
Alright so with all that excitement for the day, I'll write more tomorrow. thanks for reading. You all know I love you. I've had a tough day today but I feel better now that I have my pandora going and I get my sleeping pills soon and tranquilizer injection (lol thats what I call it because as soon as I get it like 2 minutes later I'm knocked out). Oh and i don't remember if i said this before but I got a stronger sleepy pill and it seems to help but still when you sleep all day when you feel terrible at night your just not ready to go to sleep but you know you have to because every morning is an early morning.
So good night people. Have a good night, be safe and an even better day tomorrow!! :)
xoxo
smiles.
Kim. :)
i covered up my pillow pet so he doesn't get his hair all over the place either. it also help keeps him warm. :)
this is the "typical" amount of hair I lose (without a scrub hat on) when I take about an hour or so nap.....crazy right?? and on top of that it's all over my gown too and probably my floor where I have to shake myself off and hair goes flying EVERYWHERE (think of an annoying dog who runs inside the house and immediately shakes himself off thinking he's doing you a favor....yeah....sorry house keeping. lol)
and the much anticipated picture of the hair.....it's thinning out in the front (you can see my scalp now) but I have this headband that i wear (you can kinda see it) that helps cover it up a bit.......i hate short hair but yeah I know....i look good. LOL. just kidding.....but really, don't i kinda somewhat in a little mike myers kinda way pull it off?? LOL. love you guys!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Day 20: OH GREAT.....
alright so I was sitting here with my mom talking and she said "Kim, are you breaking out around your cheek?" I said "I think so, that's why I had you get that stuff today at walmart." Then she said, "no, i think it's a rash"................................great.
Yesterday during my shower after my haircut, I noticed a few bumps on my stomach and I thought it was from a change of detergent my mom was using. Today when I was actually awake, now that I look back at it, I was quite itchy on my stomach and top of my chest area. Tonight, I decided to look at my stomach and of course, there are small pin-head size dots all over my stomach (kinda in bunches), down my thighs, across my chest, and a little on my right upper armpit area.
Luckily my mom did her reading on ALL and she remembers seeing the pin-head size dots as a symptom of having acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL). SO i immediately told the nurse, she gave me a benadryl....which means.....i can't get my sleeping pill soon....so i'll be up for a while.........................grrrrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaatttt.
And now that I know there are tiny little dots all over me, i'm extremely itchy.
Okay, I just wanted to inform my readers what was going on and give you all breaking news. I'm going to mention it to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see what he says about it....awesome.
seriously, this better not get any worse. I want to get out of here for at least....one day. is that too hard to ask for?? :(
Be thankful that you have the freedom to go to the mall, hang out with your friends, go to work, eat out, or even go outside to take a walk and NOT get winded or have a fear of catching bacteria that your body is too weak to fight off......it sucks being stuck inside a room all day long. especially coming from a background of running, staying busy, loving my job, and shopping or even walking aimlessly around walmart to buy nonsense things. you're lucky to have that luxury. Take a little time at some point tomorrow to stop and think about how many others like me can't do that and would do almost anything to just have ONE day....ONE hour....to do something you take for granted.
okay, off my soap box. good night. i love you all. :)
xoxo
kim
Yesterday during my shower after my haircut, I noticed a few bumps on my stomach and I thought it was from a change of detergent my mom was using. Today when I was actually awake, now that I look back at it, I was quite itchy on my stomach and top of my chest area. Tonight, I decided to look at my stomach and of course, there are small pin-head size dots all over my stomach (kinda in bunches), down my thighs, across my chest, and a little on my right upper armpit area.
Luckily my mom did her reading on ALL and she remembers seeing the pin-head size dots as a symptom of having acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL). SO i immediately told the nurse, she gave me a benadryl....which means.....i can't get my sleeping pill soon....so i'll be up for a while.........................grrrrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaatttt.
And now that I know there are tiny little dots all over me, i'm extremely itchy.
Okay, I just wanted to inform my readers what was going on and give you all breaking news. I'm going to mention it to the doctor tomorrow and we'll see what he says about it....awesome.
seriously, this better not get any worse. I want to get out of here for at least....one day. is that too hard to ask for?? :(
Be thankful that you have the freedom to go to the mall, hang out with your friends, go to work, eat out, or even go outside to take a walk and NOT get winded or have a fear of catching bacteria that your body is too weak to fight off......it sucks being stuck inside a room all day long. especially coming from a background of running, staying busy, loving my job, and shopping or even walking aimlessly around walmart to buy nonsense things. you're lucky to have that luxury. Take a little time at some point tomorrow to stop and think about how many others like me can't do that and would do almost anything to just have ONE day....ONE hour....to do something you take for granted.
okay, off my soap box. good night. i love you all. :)
xoxo
kim
Day 20: Short hair is weird.
Today is day 1 with short hair and it's not that bad. I got some headbands as a gift from a friend and it doesn't look half bad. I'm still not used to it though. it's just weird not having hair to fix in the morning or hair on my neck all day. Maybe that's why i was so cold earlier today. Like the other day I was shivering I was so cold. I asked the nurse to turn up the heat and he said he should take my temp first and he did and I was normal. IDK maybe it's a side effect to the antibiotics?
Well I spoke with Dr. Reynolds and GREAT NEWS.....when he releases me.....I can RUN!! :) Don't worry I'm going to start off walking every night and i think during the day I'm going to go for a light jog. I feel like my legs are losing muscles and it's quite sad. Besides that my doctor is a little confusing. Now he is talking bone marrow transplant asap. He was telling me about my genetics and he said I'm a good candidate for it and usually if I don't go into remission on the first round of chemo (which i didn't) usually in my cases, they do a transplant immediately if they can shortly after the second round of chemo (the one I will be starting in one week). But then I mentioned that my sister is being deployed and my brother is in NC and he looked stressed about that. so he said he would call back the OU transplant people and talk to them.
Also I found out that I will be needing to have an Intrathecal spinal tap before I head out of here. It's basically like what it sounds like....a spinal tap but they'll inject me with a dose of chemotherapy. From that the chemo will go to my head because regular chemo only works from the head down. It will circulate in my head and basically attack any leukemia cells that might be lingering up there. The biggest side effect will be moderate to severe headaches (which I HATE) and long term side effects could be (and most likely will happen) is slight memory loss. OH and the WORST part of this whole spinal tap thing from what i read, i have to LAY FLAT for up to 8 hours. and......i may have to urinate in a bedpan.....DIS-GUS-TING!!!!! that is one of my worst hospital fears because that's just gross. LOL.
Alrighty other than that "news," I've been sleeping all day and I'm thirsty. My hair is still coming out in record clumps but I still have quite a bit on my head. IDK when I'm getting out. I just hope on saturday. I need my counts to hurry up because I want to see people. :( I miss people.
Thanks for reading, i love you all (shout out to david estes!) I appreciate all that you all are doing or will do for me.
xoxo
kim
Well I spoke with Dr. Reynolds and GREAT NEWS.....when he releases me.....I can RUN!! :) Don't worry I'm going to start off walking every night and i think during the day I'm going to go for a light jog. I feel like my legs are losing muscles and it's quite sad. Besides that my doctor is a little confusing. Now he is talking bone marrow transplant asap. He was telling me about my genetics and he said I'm a good candidate for it and usually if I don't go into remission on the first round of chemo (which i didn't) usually in my cases, they do a transplant immediately if they can shortly after the second round of chemo (the one I will be starting in one week). But then I mentioned that my sister is being deployed and my brother is in NC and he looked stressed about that. so he said he would call back the OU transplant people and talk to them.
Also I found out that I will be needing to have an Intrathecal spinal tap before I head out of here. It's basically like what it sounds like....a spinal tap but they'll inject me with a dose of chemotherapy. From that the chemo will go to my head because regular chemo only works from the head down. It will circulate in my head and basically attack any leukemia cells that might be lingering up there. The biggest side effect will be moderate to severe headaches (which I HATE) and long term side effects could be (and most likely will happen) is slight memory loss. OH and the WORST part of this whole spinal tap thing from what i read, i have to LAY FLAT for up to 8 hours. and......i may have to urinate in a bedpan.....DIS-GUS-TING!!!!! that is one of my worst hospital fears because that's just gross. LOL.
Alrighty other than that "news," I've been sleeping all day and I'm thirsty. My hair is still coming out in record clumps but I still have quite a bit on my head. IDK when I'm getting out. I just hope on saturday. I need my counts to hurry up because I want to see people. :( I miss people.
Thanks for reading, i love you all (shout out to david estes!) I appreciate all that you all are doing or will do for me.
xoxo
kim
Day 20: quick update....
Alrighty, I got my counts.....
Hemoglobin - 8.2!!!!
Yesterday I was at an 8.1. So this means my body is producing on it's own! :)
Platelets - 68,000
I should be at 250,000.
White blood - 0.4!!
Yesterday I was at a 0.3.
Doc said I could go home tomororow or Saturday. Yay! :)
Okay. That is it. Time 4 a nap.
-ki
Hemoglobin - 8.2!!!!
Yesterday I was at an 8.1. So this means my body is producing on it's own! :)
Platelets - 68,000
I should be at 250,000.
White blood - 0.4!!
Yesterday I was at a 0.3.
Doc said I could go home tomororow or Saturday. Yay! :)
Okay. That is it. Time 4 a nap.
-ki
Day 20: Rotting away
I'm so bored. I hate the mornings. I'm up because the nurses don't stop bothering me, but when they do I'm awake anyway. I'm not hungry, just thirsty. I want to go shopping. I want to eat fresh movie popcorn. I want someone to take me out on a date. I want to drive aimlessly around OKC listening to music on my ipod and discover new cool places. I want to eat at a sit down restaurant. I want to go to wal-mart and wander around and buy things I don't need only because they're on sale. I just don't want to be stuck in my room anymore. especially in this annoying bed. ugh.
I'm waiting on a nurse to come in so I can ask her my blood counts for today but after about 8am, they leave me alone for a bit. So as soon as I get those I will let you all know if I've made more progress today. My back is still in pain and it still hurts to move. And on top of this the other day I was sitting at my chair in the "living" area. In front of my chair was an ottoman and beside me there was another chair and ottoman. And of course I surrounded myself with BOTH ottomans. One for my feet and one for whatever I was drinking or eating at the time. So I get up, lose my balance, and for some reason I just could not move my feet, I couldn't catch myself, I couldn't do anything. it was a really weird fall but luckily I landed on one of the ottomans and somehow a corner of something caught my right upper side of my leg and now.....a nasty bruise is there and I'm pretty sure there is a knot too. So point of my story, the left side of my hip (bascially lower back) hurts....AND the right side of my right leg. So it makes getting out of bed, moving around in bed, and just walking in general, just terrible. poor me.
So my doctor came in this morning and he told me that after the bone marrow biopsy, they still found some leukemia. So this means that yes I will have to go through more Chemo. This time it will be a 7 day treatment with different kind of chemo drugs. One is Ara-c and the other....i don't remember what he said. Then I'll have to recover and get another bone marrow biopsy and hope that i'll go into remission. He didn't talk much about after that because I'm sure it would confuse me. I asked him about the bone marrow biopsy but he said if I got into remission, then relapse 18 months later or something THEN i'll have to get a transplant.
So basically, until I get my count update, not a lot going on today. My mom is going to go home today so I'll be here by myself for the day. Maybe I do some situps or something because I feel like I'm way out of shape.....23 days in a hospital is just crazy talk.
I love you all, have a happy Thursday! :)
Kim
I'm waiting on a nurse to come in so I can ask her my blood counts for today but after about 8am, they leave me alone for a bit. So as soon as I get those I will let you all know if I've made more progress today. My back is still in pain and it still hurts to move. And on top of this the other day I was sitting at my chair in the "living" area. In front of my chair was an ottoman and beside me there was another chair and ottoman. And of course I surrounded myself with BOTH ottomans. One for my feet and one for whatever I was drinking or eating at the time. So I get up, lose my balance, and for some reason I just could not move my feet, I couldn't catch myself, I couldn't do anything. it was a really weird fall but luckily I landed on one of the ottomans and somehow a corner of something caught my right upper side of my leg and now.....a nasty bruise is there and I'm pretty sure there is a knot too. So point of my story, the left side of my hip (bascially lower back) hurts....AND the right side of my right leg. So it makes getting out of bed, moving around in bed, and just walking in general, just terrible. poor me.
So my doctor came in this morning and he told me that after the bone marrow biopsy, they still found some leukemia. So this means that yes I will have to go through more Chemo. This time it will be a 7 day treatment with different kind of chemo drugs. One is Ara-c and the other....i don't remember what he said. Then I'll have to recover and get another bone marrow biopsy and hope that i'll go into remission. He didn't talk much about after that because I'm sure it would confuse me. I asked him about the bone marrow biopsy but he said if I got into remission, then relapse 18 months later or something THEN i'll have to get a transplant.
So basically, until I get my count update, not a lot going on today. My mom is going to go home today so I'll be here by myself for the day. Maybe I do some situps or something because I feel like I'm way out of shape.....23 days in a hospital is just crazy talk.
I love you all, have a happy Thursday! :)
Kim
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Day 19: And just like that, it's gone.
All day I have been preparing myself for what I just went through. I cut my hair....short. I will soon buzz it all off but I wasn't quite ready for that. I went through today with three great friends and my mom and when everyone arrived we ate our food (I had soup, again) and just sat around, talked and watched American Idol. We commented on who we liked, who we didn't and who should go home. We talked about Steven Tyler's random lipstick on his cheek, the girls laughed at the way scotty holds his microphone, I boo'd Stefano, and of course we talked about school, the kids, and whatever we wanted to. I was ready to go and get this thing done. A little excited about just taking the leap and going for the short hair. The first 15 or so minutes went fine. I gave my friend instructions of "just make it short all over." I really didn't care what it would look like in the end because what I kept telling myself over and over was "it's going to fall out anyway."
Then the nurse brought in the clippers and it wasn't at all what I had imagined. I didn't really want to use them but my mom insisted that it would make the "process" go quicker. She demonstrated and just started cutting my hair like she didn't care about it. I know she meant well and meant to help but this was my hair. I tried not to get emotional but as soon as she cut my bangs too short I started crying. I wasn't at all expecting it. i didn't want to yell at her because she was just trying to help so all I could do was cry. It was short and I didn't like the carelessness I felt. And when I say carelessness I mean with my hair. I didn't think she understood just how important my hair was to me and how emotional I really was on the inside. And for her just to start hacking away like I felt she did made me upset. Everyone then stopped and let me cry and comforted me with kind words that I appreciated. As I cried i kept saying to myself "it's going to fall out anyway kim. who cares what it looks like. she didn't mean to."
So as soon as I got the strength again I told my friend to continue and she did. I cried often after that (kinda like I already broke the seal so it just kept coming) because I was like...."wow, I'm cutting my hair because I have cancer and hair is dead and it's all going to come out, then I'll be the bald person with cancer." it made me so sad but I knew it had to be done. Unfortunately I couldn't be myself and crack jokes or even laugh at something stupid I was thinking of. It was like I was just....sad and my tears were a true reflection of that. I also hate crying in front of people so that alone was hard for me and I didn't want to look at anyone.
Anyways, so as I sit here in my bed with my short hair and a scrub cap over it I feel good about my decision. I'm glad I went through with cutting my hair. The image in the mirror is a little funny to look at because it's different. I don't hate it but i also don't love it. I just want my long hair back. I want to be able to straighten it, curl it, put gel in it....just make it pretty like it used to be. but I can't. I know it'll grow back but that will take FOREVER. Until then my life will consist of wigs, scarves, and hats. three things I never wore on my head. I always thought, why would i ever cover up my hair, i like it too much. A lot of people liked it.
As you can tell i have a MILLION thoughts about my hair running through my head now and probably will for a while so I'll just keep those for myself. Alright well this has been a long emotional night and I need to get some sleep because no matter what time I go to sleep....the nurses always seem to wake me up at 5am. UGH.
good night, i love you all.
kim
p.s. thanks amy, sarah, liz and emily for tonight. i couldn't have got through this without you all. there was a reason you all visited me today. love you.
Then the nurse brought in the clippers and it wasn't at all what I had imagined. I didn't really want to use them but my mom insisted that it would make the "process" go quicker. She demonstrated and just started cutting my hair like she didn't care about it. I know she meant well and meant to help but this was my hair. I tried not to get emotional but as soon as she cut my bangs too short I started crying. I wasn't at all expecting it. i didn't want to yell at her because she was just trying to help so all I could do was cry. It was short and I didn't like the carelessness I felt. And when I say carelessness I mean with my hair. I didn't think she understood just how important my hair was to me and how emotional I really was on the inside. And for her just to start hacking away like I felt she did made me upset. Everyone then stopped and let me cry and comforted me with kind words that I appreciated. As I cried i kept saying to myself "it's going to fall out anyway kim. who cares what it looks like. she didn't mean to."
So as soon as I got the strength again I told my friend to continue and she did. I cried often after that (kinda like I already broke the seal so it just kept coming) because I was like...."wow, I'm cutting my hair because I have cancer and hair is dead and it's all going to come out, then I'll be the bald person with cancer." it made me so sad but I knew it had to be done. Unfortunately I couldn't be myself and crack jokes or even laugh at something stupid I was thinking of. It was like I was just....sad and my tears were a true reflection of that. I also hate crying in front of people so that alone was hard for me and I didn't want to look at anyone.
Anyways, so as I sit here in my bed with my short hair and a scrub cap over it I feel good about my decision. I'm glad I went through with cutting my hair. The image in the mirror is a little funny to look at because it's different. I don't hate it but i also don't love it. I just want my long hair back. I want to be able to straighten it, curl it, put gel in it....just make it pretty like it used to be. but I can't. I know it'll grow back but that will take FOREVER. Until then my life will consist of wigs, scarves, and hats. three things I never wore on my head. I always thought, why would i ever cover up my hair, i like it too much. A lot of people liked it.
As you can tell i have a MILLION thoughts about my hair running through my head now and probably will for a while so I'll just keep those for myself. Alright well this has been a long emotional night and I need to get some sleep because no matter what time I go to sleep....the nurses always seem to wake me up at 5am. UGH.
good night, i love you all.
kim
p.s. thanks amy, sarah, liz and emily for tonight. i couldn't have got through this without you all. there was a reason you all visited me today. love you.
Day 19: I feel like I'm in Alaska dressed for Hawaii....
Right now I am SOOOOOOO cold. I'm not running a fever if that's what you're thinking. I'm sitting in my bed underneath three blankets, I have some pj's on, socks, my hospital gown, and a zip up hoodie....My air is even turned up but I just can't get warm to "save my life." lol. :)
Alright, other than that I have GREAT news!! :) My white blood counts went up ON ITS OWN!! Granted it only went up from a 0.2 to a 0.3 but it's PROGRESS. :) YAY! Also my hemoglobin stayed THE SAME and didn't....i repeat....DID NOT DROP. Yesterday they thought I was going to get blood because I was at a 8.1 but today I was still at an 8.1 so my vampire baby is dying (a joke for all those twilight fans...) and has quit drinking my blood!! WOO HOO!! :) My platelets are of course sky high as well (77) well for me....remember i'm at 77,000 and I should be at least up to 250,000. LOL but because of my bone marrow biopsy it's high because they put a lot into me right before i went down. So this all means that the chemo is pretty much out of my system and my body is recovering on it's own. The doctor said this morning that my white blood cells should increase exponentially so were shooting for a Friday/Saturday let out.
I've decided that every time my blood is low I just want to sleep. If you remember I was always tired before I was diagnosed and those were signs my blood was low....LOL. I thought I was just doing too much. I'm about to get some more antibiotics and I'm so keeping my hoodie on...i'm still FREEZING. Also my hip is killing me from the biopsy yesterday that I can barely walk or move around. I actually have to depend on others to do things for me (which i HATE) but if I can I still do it for myself anyway. LOL.
Alright well, they just started the antibiotics so i'm going to turn on the tv, drink my water, and focus on getting warm. LOL. Thanks for the prayers and good vibes being sent my way. It's truly helping and I'm thankful for all of you who care enough about my health to read this everyday. There are people reading this who I may have no idea who they are, who I've never talked to in my life, who I haven't seen since high school or below, or just fell out of touch with. I know each and everyone of you all have a purpose that you have came in touch with me (whether you liked me or not.....most likely you did... :) lol) that purpose is for my healing. I could NEVER do this alone (i would sure try) but it's you all's DAILY, CONSTANT, prayers and thoughts that are getting me tough days and that just keep me going. I love you all very much. :)
Smiles-
kim
p.s. Hi to all my students reading this. I miss all of you very much, I wish I was there to still be teaching you, and I love all of you. :) You're going to ROCK the CRT's.....do it for me. :)
Alright, other than that I have GREAT news!! :) My white blood counts went up ON ITS OWN!! Granted it only went up from a 0.2 to a 0.3 but it's PROGRESS. :) YAY! Also my hemoglobin stayed THE SAME and didn't....i repeat....DID NOT DROP. Yesterday they thought I was going to get blood because I was at a 8.1 but today I was still at an 8.1 so my vampire baby is dying (a joke for all those twilight fans...) and has quit drinking my blood!! WOO HOO!! :) My platelets are of course sky high as well (77) well for me....remember i'm at 77,000 and I should be at least up to 250,000. LOL but because of my bone marrow biopsy it's high because they put a lot into me right before i went down. So this all means that the chemo is pretty much out of my system and my body is recovering on it's own. The doctor said this morning that my white blood cells should increase exponentially so were shooting for a Friday/Saturday let out.
I've decided that every time my blood is low I just want to sleep. If you remember I was always tired before I was diagnosed and those were signs my blood was low....LOL. I thought I was just doing too much. I'm about to get some more antibiotics and I'm so keeping my hoodie on...i'm still FREEZING. Also my hip is killing me from the biopsy yesterday that I can barely walk or move around. I actually have to depend on others to do things for me (which i HATE) but if I can I still do it for myself anyway. LOL.
Alright well, they just started the antibiotics so i'm going to turn on the tv, drink my water, and focus on getting warm. LOL. Thanks for the prayers and good vibes being sent my way. It's truly helping and I'm thankful for all of you who care enough about my health to read this everyday. There are people reading this who I may have no idea who they are, who I've never talked to in my life, who I haven't seen since high school or below, or just fell out of touch with. I know each and everyone of you all have a purpose that you have came in touch with me (whether you liked me or not.....most likely you did... :) lol) that purpose is for my healing. I could NEVER do this alone (i would sure try) but it's you all's DAILY, CONSTANT, prayers and thoughts that are getting me tough days and that just keep me going. I love you all very much. :)
Smiles-
kim
p.s. Hi to all my students reading this. I miss all of you very much, I wish I was there to still be teaching you, and I love all of you. :) You're going to ROCK the CRT's.....do it for me. :)
Day 18: Be Kind To Everyone, Because You Never Know.
Alright I know this is my THIRD post for today but I know I have some dedicated readers. I had a few visitors come by so I was busy talking to people and just catching up. Right now I'm getting antibiotics pumped inside of me as i sit here and watch HGTV with my mom and a friend. I'm really cold but that's normal for night. The pain medications are wearing off so my gums are starting to feel a little sore again. I ate a baked potato tonight and it was great! Just the right amount of softness. :) My hip/back is starting to get sore and I'm walking like I have a hip problem. lol. I'm not running a temperature tonight which is good and I'm feeling really positive about possibly going home soon. Which is a great thing! :)
My antibiotics are now complete and I now have developed a headache. So today another weird thing happened today that I need to add to my list of coincidences. So this older "senior citizen" comes in all cheerful and smiley right before my bone marrow biopsy. He was a volunteer here at the hospital and was wearing a Mercy Auxiliary coat so I let him in and his energy and excitement was just bursting out of him and it was great. I had a good feeling about him because he had a good energy around him. So as we got to talking he asked if i was in college and it flattered me because I feel sooooo OLD being out of college. LOL. We then somehow got onto some sort of conversation that led him to say the name of his church. And it happened to be the same church that had "adopted" the school that I teach out. When I say "adopted" I mean that each group at the church was assigned a classroom to sponsor for the year. My class was given the awesome Senior Adult Group and they have been fabulous working with me all year. And as I was telling him about my two main class sponsors his eyes lit up like kids on Christmas and he was proud to say that he was a member of that group! He said "OOOOOHHH you're the young lady that we just prayed for on Sunday!!" We went on and on about stuff that they did for us like bringing hats, scarves, and goodies for Christmas and how I made a thank you sign for them. He was so excited to actually meet me and he even said he was excited for this coming sunday so he can tell his group that he met me and how well I was doing. He said "You just made my day!!" and his advice or what he said he lives by was "be kind to everybody because you never know." And I completely agreed with him. It's something I always believed in even in previous posts I talked about trying to get "good" in with the staff around here because a happy staff = a happy patient. and I don't want to be the patient that people are like "Uuuuggghhhhh she's still here!" lol
Okay so I think I'm going to give myself a mohawk soon. My hair is falling out at about the same rate. I find a lot in my bed now in the mornings and its just emotional picking it all up. So i decided to get a friend to buzz the sides, possibly get a design on the side just for kicks (My students would love to see it) and get a mohawk. :) Then just buzz it off and eventually go bald. I got some scarves as gifts and some headbands for when I have a buzz cut ( i DON'T want to be confused as a BOY....LOL) and some pretty dangly earrings. :)
So as I tell about this I'm nervous. I'm not crying so this means progress has been made and I'm becoming okay with the idea of my hair being gone for a long time. I know hair grows back (if i hear someone say this to me ONE more time....i'm gonna punch a puppy (okay not really) I'll just be angry) I know I'll be emotional when I shave it but I think I'm allowed to be. :)
ALright well three posts in one day is a lot and it's past midnight so I need to get to SLEEP. I love you all and thank you for the continuous thoughts, prayers, and kind words. Good Karma is coming your way and I appreciate you all. :)
much love,
Kim
My antibiotics are now complete and I now have developed a headache. So today another weird thing happened today that I need to add to my list of coincidences. So this older "senior citizen" comes in all cheerful and smiley right before my bone marrow biopsy. He was a volunteer here at the hospital and was wearing a Mercy Auxiliary coat so I let him in and his energy and excitement was just bursting out of him and it was great. I had a good feeling about him because he had a good energy around him. So as we got to talking he asked if i was in college and it flattered me because I feel sooooo OLD being out of college. LOL. We then somehow got onto some sort of conversation that led him to say the name of his church. And it happened to be the same church that had "adopted" the school that I teach out. When I say "adopted" I mean that each group at the church was assigned a classroom to sponsor for the year. My class was given the awesome Senior Adult Group and they have been fabulous working with me all year. And as I was telling him about my two main class sponsors his eyes lit up like kids on Christmas and he was proud to say that he was a member of that group! He said "OOOOOHHH you're the young lady that we just prayed for on Sunday!!" We went on and on about stuff that they did for us like bringing hats, scarves, and goodies for Christmas and how I made a thank you sign for them. He was so excited to actually meet me and he even said he was excited for this coming sunday so he can tell his group that he met me and how well I was doing. He said "You just made my day!!" and his advice or what he said he lives by was "be kind to everybody because you never know." And I completely agreed with him. It's something I always believed in even in previous posts I talked about trying to get "good" in with the staff around here because a happy staff = a happy patient. and I don't want to be the patient that people are like "Uuuuggghhhhh she's still here!" lol
Okay so I think I'm going to give myself a mohawk soon. My hair is falling out at about the same rate. I find a lot in my bed now in the mornings and its just emotional picking it all up. So i decided to get a friend to buzz the sides, possibly get a design on the side just for kicks (My students would love to see it) and get a mohawk. :) Then just buzz it off and eventually go bald. I got some scarves as gifts and some headbands for when I have a buzz cut ( i DON'T want to be confused as a BOY....LOL) and some pretty dangly earrings. :)
So as I tell about this I'm nervous. I'm not crying so this means progress has been made and I'm becoming okay with the idea of my hair being gone for a long time. I know hair grows back (if i hear someone say this to me ONE more time....i'm gonna punch a puppy (okay not really) I'll just be angry) I know I'll be emotional when I shave it but I think I'm allowed to be. :)
ALright well three posts in one day is a lot and it's past midnight so I need to get to SLEEP. I love you all and thank you for the continuous thoughts, prayers, and kind words. Good Karma is coming your way and I appreciate you all. :)
much love,
Kim
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Day 18: We walk the same path, but got on different shoes.
Alright I just finished with my bone marrow biopsy about 30 minutes ago. They took me from my room around 3:15 (after waiting ALLLLLLLLL day) and of course I just waited somewhere else. As I was waiting for a nurse to come and get me one of the transportation boys stopped by and said hi to me and said "You're STILL here?? I mean I'm glad your getting better but you've been here for a long time." He was really nice to me and the first week or so we had some good conversation back and forth and whenever he was in my hallway he would stop by and give me a wave. It felt good to know someone. It's what I hoped for when I first came in here. To be nice to everyone and try to get to know some people so when I see them I can give them a friendly "hi, how are you??" I've always been a friendly person who likes to make others smile because it makes me happy. :)
Once a nurse came and got me and put me in the room the nurses were all really nice and I even got the nurse who was with me during my first biopsy. She remembered me and whispered to me, "you look great...and I know this will go a lot better than the other one." :) OMG I LOVE THIS HOSPITAL! lol.
I insisted on climbing onto the "operation" table myself and they let me and I got comfortable and they started hooking me up to things. I just laid there and was watching as much as I could. and I don't really know if I eventually fell asleep but the next thing I remembered was a nurse was rubbing my hands/forearms and i could feel slight pressure on my lower back. I guess I was making funny "that hurts" faces because she kept rubbing and eventually I held her hand and then I guess they made it to the bone. I felt the worst pressure I've ever felt in my life accompanied by a "pop" sound and I was in pain for a good three seconds. I squeezed the poor nurses hand and she just get rubbing my other hand. The pain stopped three seconds later and then I just felt a lot of pressure in the same area. Almost like they were closing a pickle jar lid on my back (minus the twisting). So then i questioned myself "was I awake the entire time" because I didn't go back to sleep. I was a bit loopy and wanting to go back to sleep but I wasn't sure. My mom said when they took me in to the time she saw me again was about an hour. Who knows. All I know is that it hurt. And the first time I got a biopsy they stuck me FOUR times....but maybe they kept giving me stronger meds so i stayed out longer?
Anyways, I guess we'll wait for the results of these and i'll hopefully be outta here soon. I thought I heard a nurse say that my white cell count was at a 0.3 today so that means its rising! which is goooood news! I'm ready to be outta here and go out into civilization.
I also think that I'm going to buzz my hair off before I leave here. The front part of my hair is thinning out and I'm balding around the temples of my head even more and compared to the amount of hair I had before it's significantly thinner. I also don't think I'll be able to straighten it because of how sensitive it is and there is NO WAY that I'm going out with friends or ANYONE without fixing my hair. LOL.
Anyways, I got some visitors here so I'll type more later before bed. :)
xoxoxoxo Much Love
Kim
Once a nurse came and got me and put me in the room the nurses were all really nice and I even got the nurse who was with me during my first biopsy. She remembered me and whispered to me, "you look great...and I know this will go a lot better than the other one." :) OMG I LOVE THIS HOSPITAL! lol.
I insisted on climbing onto the "operation" table myself and they let me and I got comfortable and they started hooking me up to things. I just laid there and was watching as much as I could. and I don't really know if I eventually fell asleep but the next thing I remembered was a nurse was rubbing my hands/forearms and i could feel slight pressure on my lower back. I guess I was making funny "that hurts" faces because she kept rubbing and eventually I held her hand and then I guess they made it to the bone. I felt the worst pressure I've ever felt in my life accompanied by a "pop" sound and I was in pain for a good three seconds. I squeezed the poor nurses hand and she just get rubbing my other hand. The pain stopped three seconds later and then I just felt a lot of pressure in the same area. Almost like they were closing a pickle jar lid on my back (minus the twisting). So then i questioned myself "was I awake the entire time" because I didn't go back to sleep. I was a bit loopy and wanting to go back to sleep but I wasn't sure. My mom said when they took me in to the time she saw me again was about an hour. Who knows. All I know is that it hurt. And the first time I got a biopsy they stuck me FOUR times....but maybe they kept giving me stronger meds so i stayed out longer?
Anyways, I guess we'll wait for the results of these and i'll hopefully be outta here soon. I thought I heard a nurse say that my white cell count was at a 0.3 today so that means its rising! which is goooood news! I'm ready to be outta here and go out into civilization.
I also think that I'm going to buzz my hair off before I leave here. The front part of my hair is thinning out and I'm balding around the temples of my head even more and compared to the amount of hair I had before it's significantly thinner. I also don't think I'll be able to straighten it because of how sensitive it is and there is NO WAY that I'm going out with friends or ANYONE without fixing my hair. LOL.
Anyways, I got some visitors here so I'll type more later before bed. :)
xoxoxoxo Much Love
Kim
Day 18: Don't worry even if things end up a bit 2 heavy, we'll all float on
Well it 9:15 am and I'm awake. I planned on sleeping in until they took me downstairs to radiology for my biopsy but I guess that isn't going to happen. I have a nurse in here right now giving me platelets, taking my blood pressure, taking my temperature, and handing me all my pills for the morning (6 of them). I haven't even got up to brush my teeth or wash my face today. I hope I'll get to get out of my bed to do that before I go down.
I had to fix my hair in bed today because as I turned on my computer I turned on my camera and my hair was scary. LOL. I pull my hair back into a clip to minimize the amount of hair that I shed in my bed and just walking around but at night when I roll around or change positions or just move my head on my pillow the hair gets detached from my scalp but it's still in the clip. So when I wake up I have all these pieces of hair sticking up everywhere because they're detached from my head but still in line with my hair. it even feels weird to touch.
I'm thinking about getting a buzz cut (or mohawk) for a day or so to take away the "sting" of having to throw away so much hair in HUGE clumps now. It's getting a bit ridiculous how much I am losing now. The side of my head around my temples is looking more bald and just around my entire hair line looks "patchy" especially if I try to pull my hair back. So maybe by going GI JANE on this thing I can cope with it better.
Alright well I need to get some food inside of me because I'm about to eat my arm off sitting here. I'm STARVING. :)
have a happy tuesday!
kim
I had to fix my hair in bed today because as I turned on my computer I turned on my camera and my hair was scary. LOL. I pull my hair back into a clip to minimize the amount of hair that I shed in my bed and just walking around but at night when I roll around or change positions or just move my head on my pillow the hair gets detached from my scalp but it's still in the clip. So when I wake up I have all these pieces of hair sticking up everywhere because they're detached from my head but still in line with my hair. it even feels weird to touch.
I'm thinking about getting a buzz cut (or mohawk) for a day or so to take away the "sting" of having to throw away so much hair in HUGE clumps now. It's getting a bit ridiculous how much I am losing now. The side of my head around my temples is looking more bald and just around my entire hair line looks "patchy" especially if I try to pull my hair back. So maybe by going GI JANE on this thing I can cope with it better.
Alright well I need to get some food inside of me because I'm about to eat my arm off sitting here. I'm STARVING. :)
have a happy tuesday!
kim
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day 17: Just Be You.
The day is pretty much over and since my first blog this morning, nothing has happened. Shortly after we returned from the gift shop, I ordered my mom some food and I got a cup of soup but barely ate it. I decided I was way tired and I laid down in my bed and went to sleep. I slept for a good 3 and a half hours and woke up to saying to my mom, OMG MOM....DANCING WITH THE STARS!! Of course we missed half the show but we got to watch Kirstie Alley and Kendra so it wasn't too bad. :) Then I figured my mom was hungry so I offered to buy dinner tonight at Panera. I got myself some baked potato soup and my mom got some sort of salad. She's gone right now to pick it up and I'm sitting in my chair hooked up to my antibiotics. They haven't taken my temperature today and this morning I was so out of it from the sleepy pills/mini injection they gave me last night that I barely remember them drawing my blood or taking my vitals and weighing me. LOL.
When I sleep a lot during the day it's hard for me to sleep at night so I usually stay up pretty late (12-1am) doing nothing and I just can't sleep. So they've been giving me pills upon request and the night before last, I just could not sleep. I woke up every hour and just laid there. I was tossing and turning and just completely restless and I swore that they had given me a different sleepy pill but they didn't. So the nurse said I had a prescription for another type of sleeping aid that would just knock me out. and oh boy did it ever. lol. It didn't wear off until noon the next day but I really needed a good night sleep especially with the emotional shower I had.
Alright, my mom is back with the food so I'm gonna go EAT. :)
Oh, Bone Marrow Biopsy is scheduled for tomorrow. IDK what time but as soon as I find out I'll blog about it. :)
Love you all! Have a good night!
Kim
When I sleep a lot during the day it's hard for me to sleep at night so I usually stay up pretty late (12-1am) doing nothing and I just can't sleep. So they've been giving me pills upon request and the night before last, I just could not sleep. I woke up every hour and just laid there. I was tossing and turning and just completely restless and I swore that they had given me a different sleepy pill but they didn't. So the nurse said I had a prescription for another type of sleeping aid that would just knock me out. and oh boy did it ever. lol. It didn't wear off until noon the next day but I really needed a good night sleep especially with the emotional shower I had.
Alright, my mom is back with the food so I'm gonna go EAT. :)
Oh, Bone Marrow Biopsy is scheduled for tomorrow. IDK what time but as soon as I find out I'll blog about it. :)
Love you all! Have a good night!
Kim
Day 17: Today's Not My Day
Well I'm not getting out today. My doctor woke me up around 8 to break the news to me. He ordered even higher antibiotics to get rid of this fever and get me back to myself. All my blood counts are at a stand still so once again they're not moving up on their own like they should. SO, today is Bone Marrow Biopsy #2 today. My mom thinks it'll be tomorrow morning because the last time I got one they kept pushing it back and pushing it back. So we'll just have to see when I'll get one. They haven't mentioned anything to me about it so i guess the nurses are clueless as well. Oh well.
So now I'm shooting for a Thursday release. That is just a random day that I choose that I will be okay to get out. Tomorrow my back will be sore from the biopsy and if I get out before then.....awesome!! I can't be here for another full week or else I'm going to scream at the first person I see. lol. Okay maybe not, i'll just be super sad but I'm thankful that I have good doctors that are taking good care of me, and good nurses who know what they're doing, and a strong support system to keep me company and visit me when I am feeling lonely.
So today as I was fixing my hair,I was of course losing a lot of it (didn't cry) and my mom was standing by me. I let her run her hands through my hair too and she was amazed as well. It's just crazy because I can't feel anything coming out (pulling sensation) it just kinda.....appears. My hair doesn't look any thinner just looking at me so I guess I really do have a lot of thick hair. I continued to fix my hair, brush my teeth, and wash my face and I was ready to go somewhere. So my mom and I took a mini field trip to the gift shop and just looked around. it felt great just getting out of the room and leisurely walking around. I even called it t-shirt time when I changed into a fresh new tshirt to get out. And just being out of the dull hospital gown was nice. I had to wear a mask of course but I didn't mind. I got a couple looks but whatever, it didn't really bother me, I was just happy to be out.
towards the end of the fieldtrip I started to get tired and luckily we weren't going anywhere else so now I'm sitting on my chair in my suite drinking a coke and water.
So that was my excitement for today and I'm glad I got to get out of my room and came back to a clean room (nurse changed my sheets!). Alright, I will write more tonight. I don't have any blood updates but like I said before....it's about the same as yesterday.
I love you all, thank you for reading and of course for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words of encouragement. :) :)
Much Love, Happy Monday!!
Kim
A typical amount of hair that comes out every time I run my hands through my hair or twist it up to put into a clip.
excuse the random piece of hair that is sticking out, it's because of my mask. don't worry I fixed it before i continued to be in public. lol
So now I'm shooting for a Thursday release. That is just a random day that I choose that I will be okay to get out. Tomorrow my back will be sore from the biopsy and if I get out before then.....awesome!! I can't be here for another full week or else I'm going to scream at the first person I see. lol. Okay maybe not, i'll just be super sad but I'm thankful that I have good doctors that are taking good care of me, and good nurses who know what they're doing, and a strong support system to keep me company and visit me when I am feeling lonely.
So today as I was fixing my hair,I was of course losing a lot of it (didn't cry) and my mom was standing by me. I let her run her hands through my hair too and she was amazed as well. It's just crazy because I can't feel anything coming out (pulling sensation) it just kinda.....appears. My hair doesn't look any thinner just looking at me so I guess I really do have a lot of thick hair. I continued to fix my hair, brush my teeth, and wash my face and I was ready to go somewhere. So my mom and I took a mini field trip to the gift shop and just looked around. it felt great just getting out of the room and leisurely walking around. I even called it t-shirt time when I changed into a fresh new tshirt to get out. And just being out of the dull hospital gown was nice. I had to wear a mask of course but I didn't mind. I got a couple looks but whatever, it didn't really bother me, I was just happy to be out.
towards the end of the fieldtrip I started to get tired and luckily we weren't going anywhere else so now I'm sitting on my chair in my suite drinking a coke and water.
So that was my excitement for today and I'm glad I got to get out of my room and came back to a clean room (nurse changed my sheets!). Alright, I will write more tonight. I don't have any blood updates but like I said before....it's about the same as yesterday.
I love you all, thank you for reading and of course for your thoughts, prayers, and kind words of encouragement. :) :)
Much Love, Happy Monday!!
Kim
A typical amount of hair that comes out every time I run my hands through my hair or twist it up to put into a clip.
excuse the random piece of hair that is sticking out, it's because of my mask. don't worry I fixed it before i continued to be in public. lol
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Day 16: The Hardest First Step
The nurse just came in and took my vital signs and I'm running a fever....once again. I have a gut feeling that because of my nightly fevers I won't be going home tomorrow. I know, I know I'm usually extremely positive about these things but sometimes I just need to be realistic with myself. The nurse also just said that the amount of antibiotics that they're giving me for my "infection" that I picked up isn't helping. So basically, I've been sitting here for a week getting all these antibiotics and IV stuff for nothing. great. well not for nothing but you know what I'm thinking.
Anyways, I had some good company today and overall had a good day starting from the very beginning :) I watched a few movies and just had good conversation. Compared to the past few days and the ups and downs that I had been having, I needed to have a good day. My hair is coming out at an amazing rate now and I think I'm getting close to shaving it off. I think I'll "just know" when it will be my time. But until then I'm suffering witnessing my precious hair come out in clumps if I even just touch it.
I took a shower tonight after everyone left and it was hard. probably the hardest thing I've done since I've been here. My one shower. I knew going into it, it would be sad but I didn't realize how hard it would be. After I washed my body regularly I avoided the water touching my hair because I wanted to save it for last and I figured if the water was continuously hitting it I would lose more. So before I wet my hair, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said to myself "I can do this." The instant the water hit my head I felt hair falling down my back racing against the water. And at that point a tear ran down my face just as fast as the water was going. I guess I knew I was going to cry because it came out so easily. I used just regular soap to clean my hair because I knew I couldn't go through an entire cycle of shampooing, rinsing, conditioning, and rinsing again. I got my entire head wet and stepped to the side so I could gently massage the soap into the "greasy" parts of my hair that I knew needed to be washed.
As I was massaging my hair, I wasn't really all that emotional because i was just rubbing soap into my head and then......I stepped back under the shower, but this time only the left part of my head was underneath the shower head and I just let the water run over it but I knew that I had to get up enough guts to touch my hair and actually properly rinse it. I once again closed my eyes, took a deep breath in....then slowly let it out and said "You can do this Kim." and proceeded to properly rinse the left side of my hair out. As I massaged my hands through the half of my head my hands felt "full" like I couldn't "clear" them to continue. So again, I closed my eyes and pulled my hand out of my hair and with it came a massive clump of hair. It literally looked like an extension sold in stores but only wet and in my hand. I started to cry harder. Then I closed my eyes again and said "Kim you have to do this and you can." So I started again and repeated the "process" and it seemed like more hair came out every time. So I did the same thing to the right side and each and every time I had to stop and remind myself that "yes I can do this." and i did. Eventually by the end my entire shower wall was almost covered with clumps of hair. When I looked up and noticed how much was on the wall I was shocked that hair was still on my head. Then I looked down at the floor and on my body and I had long pieces of my hair on me and all over my shower floor. I started to cry even more and sat down (they have a chair in my shower) and put my head in my hands and just cried.
it's funny because I'm not sad nor have I been sad about anything else. This is just a physical change (other than my skin, but that I can hide) that I have to go through that will actually make people stop and stare at me. and say or think, she has cancer.
This by far has been the hardest day so far but overall it was a great day. Now I'm okay. I'm finishing my crying from "reliving and retelling" that experience. So my next "big day" will be the day I actually shave my head. I think the day I can stop crying about my hair will be the day I know I'm ready to take it all off and be bald.
Okay....side note....I was typing this on my laptop in a comfortable chair in the "living" area of my penthouse suite and there were two nurses in here sterilizing needles and whatever else they were doing because I had to have another blood culture done because of my fever and the nurses saw that I was crying and I guess she was reading my computer screen and noticed that I was keeping a blog and she started talking to me about it. I said that I was and that was the reason I am crying. THEN i started to cry AGAIN in front of the two nurses and continued to try to get the words "I'm writing about my first experience in the shower" and they both started crying. So here we are as they're drawing my blood were all talking about losing hair and how precious it is and how attached they are to their patients and we were all crying wiping our eyes and passing around the tissues....lol. I'm sure if someone walked in they would've been confused what was going on. LOL.
Anyways, other than that I got two units of blood today because my hemoglobin was at a 7.6. I got platelets yesterday so those were up to a 66?? i think. but my white blood count was still at a 0.2. and all day I had a steady temperature of 98.6 so this fever came out of nowhere....geez.
Okay now that I probably have officially made people cry (if you didn't, you're brave) I'm about to take my sleepy pills and pass out. Right now I'm hooked up to antibiotics so they'll be messing with me all night as I sleep so it's gonna be a looooong night.
I love you all and thanks for all your support as I go through all of this. :)
Much Love
Kim
Anyways, I had some good company today and overall had a good day starting from the very beginning :) I watched a few movies and just had good conversation. Compared to the past few days and the ups and downs that I had been having, I needed to have a good day. My hair is coming out at an amazing rate now and I think I'm getting close to shaving it off. I think I'll "just know" when it will be my time. But until then I'm suffering witnessing my precious hair come out in clumps if I even just touch it.
I took a shower tonight after everyone left and it was hard. probably the hardest thing I've done since I've been here. My one shower. I knew going into it, it would be sad but I didn't realize how hard it would be. After I washed my body regularly I avoided the water touching my hair because I wanted to save it for last and I figured if the water was continuously hitting it I would lose more. So before I wet my hair, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said to myself "I can do this." The instant the water hit my head I felt hair falling down my back racing against the water. And at that point a tear ran down my face just as fast as the water was going. I guess I knew I was going to cry because it came out so easily. I used just regular soap to clean my hair because I knew I couldn't go through an entire cycle of shampooing, rinsing, conditioning, and rinsing again. I got my entire head wet and stepped to the side so I could gently massage the soap into the "greasy" parts of my hair that I knew needed to be washed.
As I was massaging my hair, I wasn't really all that emotional because i was just rubbing soap into my head and then......I stepped back under the shower, but this time only the left part of my head was underneath the shower head and I just let the water run over it but I knew that I had to get up enough guts to touch my hair and actually properly rinse it. I once again closed my eyes, took a deep breath in....then slowly let it out and said "You can do this Kim." and proceeded to properly rinse the left side of my hair out. As I massaged my hands through the half of my head my hands felt "full" like I couldn't "clear" them to continue. So again, I closed my eyes and pulled my hand out of my hair and with it came a massive clump of hair. It literally looked like an extension sold in stores but only wet and in my hand. I started to cry harder. Then I closed my eyes again and said "Kim you have to do this and you can." So I started again and repeated the "process" and it seemed like more hair came out every time. So I did the same thing to the right side and each and every time I had to stop and remind myself that "yes I can do this." and i did. Eventually by the end my entire shower wall was almost covered with clumps of hair. When I looked up and noticed how much was on the wall I was shocked that hair was still on my head. Then I looked down at the floor and on my body and I had long pieces of my hair on me and all over my shower floor. I started to cry even more and sat down (they have a chair in my shower) and put my head in my hands and just cried.
it's funny because I'm not sad nor have I been sad about anything else. This is just a physical change (other than my skin, but that I can hide) that I have to go through that will actually make people stop and stare at me. and say or think, she has cancer.
This by far has been the hardest day so far but overall it was a great day. Now I'm okay. I'm finishing my crying from "reliving and retelling" that experience. So my next "big day" will be the day I actually shave my head. I think the day I can stop crying about my hair will be the day I know I'm ready to take it all off and be bald.
Okay....side note....I was typing this on my laptop in a comfortable chair in the "living" area of my penthouse suite and there were two nurses in here sterilizing needles and whatever else they were doing because I had to have another blood culture done because of my fever and the nurses saw that I was crying and I guess she was reading my computer screen and noticed that I was keeping a blog and she started talking to me about it. I said that I was and that was the reason I am crying. THEN i started to cry AGAIN in front of the two nurses and continued to try to get the words "I'm writing about my first experience in the shower" and they both started crying. So here we are as they're drawing my blood were all talking about losing hair and how precious it is and how attached they are to their patients and we were all crying wiping our eyes and passing around the tissues....lol. I'm sure if someone walked in they would've been confused what was going on. LOL.
Anyways, other than that I got two units of blood today because my hemoglobin was at a 7.6. I got platelets yesterday so those were up to a 66?? i think. but my white blood count was still at a 0.2. and all day I had a steady temperature of 98.6 so this fever came out of nowhere....geez.
Okay now that I probably have officially made people cry (if you didn't, you're brave) I'm about to take my sleepy pills and pass out. Right now I'm hooked up to antibiotics so they'll be messing with me all night as I sleep so it's gonna be a looooong night.
I love you all and thanks for all your support as I go through all of this. :)
Much Love
Kim
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Day 15: oh great. here we go again.
The tech just took my temp and I'm running a temp of 102.2 right now. My head feels kinda heavy and I've been freezing for the past couple hours but I don't feel terrible or anything. Although, I need to consider the fact that I just sit in a bed all day anyway so I'm not up and around to feel "sick." Well this isn't good news because if I keep my fever they'll keep me here! nooooo!!!
Anyways, my hair is continuing to come out very very easy. A piece of paper dropped onto it and I was taking it out and it seems like every hair I touched to get it out came out. Luckily, I have a ton of hair so like I said, I may just thin out for a bit then eventually I'll go to shaving it off. The rapidness of all my hair coming out it coming faster than I expected. I may have to go wig shopping sooner than I thought! Seeing all my hair come out in semi mini (bigger than mini) clumps makes me sad. I looked in the mirror today as I was re-fixing my hair and I shed another tear because I imagined myself being bald. and even as I type this my eyes are starting to water. ugh. I just need to go britney spears on this and shave it off myself.
I haven't done anything today so I don't have any more updates. I mean I did write three posts today so I'm allowed to have a short one. :)
Happy Saturday Everyone Be Safe and Enjoy Yourselves! :)
much love,
kim
Anyways, my hair is continuing to come out very very easy. A piece of paper dropped onto it and I was taking it out and it seems like every hair I touched to get it out came out. Luckily, I have a ton of hair so like I said, I may just thin out for a bit then eventually I'll go to shaving it off. The rapidness of all my hair coming out it coming faster than I expected. I may have to go wig shopping sooner than I thought! Seeing all my hair come out in semi mini (bigger than mini) clumps makes me sad. I looked in the mirror today as I was re-fixing my hair and I shed another tear because I imagined myself being bald. and even as I type this my eyes are starting to water. ugh. I just need to go britney spears on this and shave it off myself.
I haven't done anything today so I don't have any more updates. I mean I did write three posts today so I'm allowed to have a short one. :)
Happy Saturday Everyone Be Safe and Enjoy Yourselves! :)
much love,
kim
Day 15: Yes again. lol
I wanted to get my "emotions" out of me really quick. So I was on the internet just "window shopping" getting myself prepared to go shopping when I get out of this joint. Anyways, as I was sitting here in my hospital bed I started messing with my hair trying to fix it. I ran my fingers through it a few times and nothing but stands of hair came out. I kept doing this because usually I get the dead hairs out first then after a bit it would stop.....but it didn't. I know I put in my previous post that it is starting to come out but I didn't realize it would be this fast. Then I put my hands through my hair again but this time I stopped a tugged a bit, and held on to what I could but a loose holding on to. I didn't feel any type of pulling sensation or hurtfulness or basically any type of pressure to my head. and of course....in both hands I had a good amount of chair in my hands (like a mini clump). I got nervous and did it again and the same thing happened. And of course, I did it one more time and again, a mini clump of hair came out. So I got up and went to the restroom and brushed it some hair came out but not a lot. I did the tug thing again and again out came a mini clump of hair (10-12 strands). My eyes started tearing up. So I just put it in a ponytail and came back to my bed. Even as I sit here and type this a couple of tears rolled out of my eyes and down my cheeks. :( This is the first time I've been emotionsl since the first day I found out i could have leukemia. I predict the next time I cry is when I actually will shave my head. Just thinking about it makes me sad but I'll be okay.
Anyways, I just thought I'd share. I better clear these tears and somehow take care of the redness in my eyes before a nurse comes in. LOL. I hate when people see me cry.
Love you all. :)
Kim
Anyways, I just thought I'd share. I better clear these tears and somehow take care of the redness in my eyes before a nurse comes in. LOL. I hate when people see me cry.
Love you all. :)
Kim
Day 15: Is it Monday Yet?
I counted the days that I have actually been in the hospital and my count is....23. isn't that just absolutely ridiculous? that's almost 30 which is almost a month. GEEZ! Which also means I haven't done ANY physical activity in 23 days. Can you guys imagine how out of shape I am....ugh, it just makes me sick because it's going to absolute torture to get back into shape when I can. My muscles hurt just thinking about it.....great.
Anyways, a little health update for today...my most recent blood pressure was 122/81. My temp as of 2 minutes ago is 98.4. My hemoglobin count is an 8.6 (it went way down), My white blood count is a 0.2, and my platelets are at a 18 today. Which means, I get a bag of platelets today. Which is actually being pumped into me right now. Usually after I get some platelets my count jumps pretty high so I won't need them for a while (5 or so days) again. But my body should start recovering from the chemo on it's own soon then I'll be OUTTA here!
Alright, I just talked to a different doctor about my chemotherapy "process." She said in 70% of patients the leukemia is wiped out in the first round of chemo (what I just went through). Then I'll have a bone marrow biopsy to see if anything is left. She said usually around day 14 (i'm on day 15) but she said since my counts are down it's pointless to go in because my bones are pretty much empty. So they have to wait for my counts to come back up then they'll do one to see if they find any more cancer. After that if they don't find any they said they usually do another round but a different kind. If they did I'll still do another couple rounds and since I am a candidate for a bone marrow transplant, I will have to have one. So basically, there are a lot of options that I can take to fix this. but it all depends on my reactions to the first round of chemo. Once I get past this and all my counts come up and I get another biopsy THEN they'll tell me what their plan is. Which is good news. I guess Dr. Reynolds has been giving me worst case scenario things (which is good) but it could change. SO to me, I take this as good news. I mean if this is a little kid type of cancer that I have.....and i'm a 24 year old. My body should be healthy and able to fight it off better right??
it's almost like in tae-kwon-do a white belt facing a yellow belt....it's possible for the less experienced white belt to win....but if you throw a black belt (me) in there vs. the same yellow belt. the yellow belt may try really hard the first round.....but we all know the black belt (me) is gonna win. I mean....seriously....come on. I have this in the BAG. This isn't gonna be one of those puny Cinderella story where the measly little yellow belt beats the black belt....theres a slim to none chance but it's not happening this time.
Wow, that was a really good analogy.
I'm quite proud of myself.
ANYWAYS, were still shooting for a MONDAY release. Then I'll be going shopping!! :)
My dad is leaving today back to south dakota. Which is probably best because I'm sure he has a crazy workload pile to get to. I'm sure the hospital falls apart without him there. Or maybe he just talks like it does. LOL. My brother is also going back today and it was good to see him....unfortunately not under the best circumstances but I'm glad my entire family got to be together because that hasn't happened in a LONG time. My sister is still in Mississippi training before she actually leaves for Afghanistan....idk when she's leaving, every time I ask my mom the date changes so I'll just wait until she calls my mom and says "okay mom, i'm leaving tomorrow" So for a while it will just be me, my mom, and my einstein hanging out.
I noticed today that my hair is starting to come out a littler easier. It's not quite yet falling out on it's own but if I run my fingers through it every time I look at my hands, I have 4-7 strands. I looked at my bed pillows and didn't find much but just know the process is starting...i think. Unless I just have a lot of dead hair and it's telling me to brush it LOL.
Alright well that's all I have to report to now. My platelets are done and now I'm just hooked up to my antibiotics. I was given 3 more pills so todays count is already at 9 pills....geez!!
Hope everyone has a great saturday, go outside (idk what the weather is like) and enjoy yourself. Or just get out and do something, anything.....because I can't. :(
Love you all.....*hugs*
Kim
Anyways, a little health update for today...my most recent blood pressure was 122/81. My temp as of 2 minutes ago is 98.4. My hemoglobin count is an 8.6 (it went way down), My white blood count is a 0.2, and my platelets are at a 18 today. Which means, I get a bag of platelets today. Which is actually being pumped into me right now. Usually after I get some platelets my count jumps pretty high so I won't need them for a while (5 or so days) again. But my body should start recovering from the chemo on it's own soon then I'll be OUTTA here!
Alright, I just talked to a different doctor about my chemotherapy "process." She said in 70% of patients the leukemia is wiped out in the first round of chemo (what I just went through). Then I'll have a bone marrow biopsy to see if anything is left. She said usually around day 14 (i'm on day 15) but she said since my counts are down it's pointless to go in because my bones are pretty much empty. So they have to wait for my counts to come back up then they'll do one to see if they find any more cancer. After that if they don't find any they said they usually do another round but a different kind. If they did I'll still do another couple rounds and since I am a candidate for a bone marrow transplant, I will have to have one. So basically, there are a lot of options that I can take to fix this. but it all depends on my reactions to the first round of chemo. Once I get past this and all my counts come up and I get another biopsy THEN they'll tell me what their plan is. Which is good news. I guess Dr. Reynolds has been giving me worst case scenario things (which is good) but it could change. SO to me, I take this as good news. I mean if this is a little kid type of cancer that I have.....and i'm a 24 year old. My body should be healthy and able to fight it off better right??
it's almost like in tae-kwon-do a white belt facing a yellow belt....it's possible for the less experienced white belt to win....but if you throw a black belt (me) in there vs. the same yellow belt. the yellow belt may try really hard the first round.....but we all know the black belt (me) is gonna win. I mean....seriously....come on. I have this in the BAG. This isn't gonna be one of those puny Cinderella story where the measly little yellow belt beats the black belt....theres a slim to none chance but it's not happening this time.
Wow, that was a really good analogy.
I'm quite proud of myself.
ANYWAYS, were still shooting for a MONDAY release. Then I'll be going shopping!! :)
My dad is leaving today back to south dakota. Which is probably best because I'm sure he has a crazy workload pile to get to. I'm sure the hospital falls apart without him there. Or maybe he just talks like it does. LOL. My brother is also going back today and it was good to see him....unfortunately not under the best circumstances but I'm glad my entire family got to be together because that hasn't happened in a LONG time. My sister is still in Mississippi training before she actually leaves for Afghanistan....idk when she's leaving, every time I ask my mom the date changes so I'll just wait until she calls my mom and says "okay mom, i'm leaving tomorrow" So for a while it will just be me, my mom, and my einstein hanging out.
I noticed today that my hair is starting to come out a littler easier. It's not quite yet falling out on it's own but if I run my fingers through it every time I look at my hands, I have 4-7 strands. I looked at my bed pillows and didn't find much but just know the process is starting...i think. Unless I just have a lot of dead hair and it's telling me to brush it LOL.
Alright well that's all I have to report to now. My platelets are done and now I'm just hooked up to my antibiotics. I was given 3 more pills so todays count is already at 9 pills....geez!!
Hope everyone has a great saturday, go outside (idk what the weather is like) and enjoy yourself. Or just get out and do something, anything.....because I can't. :(
Love you all.....*hugs*
Kim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)